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To PenguinAttack

by fortis


A/N: Inspired by PenguinAttack's Remember when you loved me. This poem is not addressed to her.

--

leave me neath the broken awning
as I watch the berries dry.
leave me dozy, sleepy, yawning,
leave me with a tired sigh.

leave me neath the weeping willows
as they trail their branches slow.
leave me with a mound of pillows
while the light is waning low.

touch the clutch of folded letters:
ink-trailed tears from black-dipped pen.
by your words I seem a debtor:
write to stars and back again.

kiss the stamp my sister leant you,
as you send it on its way.
if you lost it, then you'll stay true
to your silence every day.

do you remember when you loved me?
mem'ry is a summer night.
think of sirens by the black sea:
whispered secrets stole your sight.

now your blind, uncaring glances
leave me empty to the bone.
guess I'll simply take my chances
walking rivers on my own.

if you leave me neath the awning,
as I watch those berries dry,
if you leave me sleepy, yawning,
don't forget to say goodbye. 


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Thu Nov 09, 2017 1:24 am
DawnLight31 says...



hi its dawn here for a review.

your poem floed really nicely like a song. i honestly could not find anything wrong with it. good luck with your future writing. i had to re post this because i didn't press the review button.




fortis says...


I don't think it counted as a review either time because there wasn't enough in the review ;) thanks for you compliments though!



DawnLight31 says...


yeah... im new



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Wed Nov 08, 2017 8:37 pm
DawnLight31 says...



hi its dawn here for a review.

your poem floed really nicely like a song. i honestly could not find anything wrong with it. good luck with your future writing.




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Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:37 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



So I totally get why this has one review, Fortis, and I'll try and be as competent as the last one because this poem deserves it. With that, this is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

The structure of this poem is quite appealing. I wanted to say that first because it seems you've put some thought into the overall aesthetic, which I have to say is not something people do as much as you think they would. I'm glad for that and I think the poem filled with quatrains fit and I'm wondering if this is some sort of structured poem due to the neatness here.

That's something I always love about structured poetry but never admit: the structure is a body for the substance and actual content of the poem to stretch across or spread out upon, and if we're looking at structured poetry, that's already done and it's instead of using a cookie cutter to make the shape, it's like pouring batter into a pre-made shape. The best part is, both can work!

Jumping off of that ramble that I got stuck in, I have to say that I'm a fan of the rhyme this time around even though this is a very rare occasion that I like having it over not having it. I have to agree with Becca that this poem is pretty perfect, and I don't usually say that.

I can see another stanza being added for a sense of evenness, though you don't have to do that if you don't want to. I wanted to point out the weakest stanza to me, which is the fourth for some odd reason. I'm not as drawn to it as I am of the others, so I suggest playing around with that though going for a slow-paced sort of tone can pay off if you execute it well enough, which here, you do. Especially with the ending being soft and sleepy this is a very calm and relaxed poem with some emotion infused.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day, Fort.

Image




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Fri Jun 16, 2017 2:56 pm
beccalicious94 wrote a review...



Hi fortis, Becca here for a quick review, it seems that one is very overdue.

And I can see why people have been reticent to leave a review (myself included). This poem seems perfect, with not much room for improvement. I will nonetheless point out what I think really worked for this poem.

First off and most obviously, you don't see too many poems on YWS in meter, which you pulled off amazingly. The only line which I thought was a tad off was, "do you remember when you loved me," as remember as one too many syllables. This could be easily remedied by changing it to, "do you 'member when you loved me." Just a thought.

Now, a note on imagery. You used imagery here so so well. You have the "broken awning," the berries drying, the "weeping willows," the "mound of pillows," and this whole beautiful thing "folded letters:
ink-trailed tears from black-dipped pen."

I thought the repetition of elements from the first stanza in the last stanza was a very effective way to end the poem. You repeat the setting, and then turn it on its head--a wonderful idea.

Overall, beautiful beautiful piece. Please keep writing. I hope to read more of your stuff. :D




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Fri Jun 09, 2017 9:24 am
Siddharth says...



Superb poem fortis




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Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:33 pm
Lightsong says...



Sometimes, an awesome rhyme poem surpasses them all. This makes my day! <3




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Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:57 am
Darkthorn says...



Daemon here to leave a review.

Really, really, really can't find anything wrong with this, at all.

No, seriously, this is amazing.




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Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:04 am
beccalicious94 says...



Beautiful!





In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien