Young Writers Society

hi its dawn here for a review.

your poem floed really nicely like a song. i honestly could not find anything wrong with it. good luck with your future writing. i had to re post this because i didn't press the review button.

hi its dawn here for a review.

your poem floed really nicely like a song. i honestly could not find anything wrong with it. good luck with your future writing.

So I totally get why this has one review, Fortis, and I'll try and be as competent as the last one because this poem deserves it. With that, this is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

The structure of this poem is quite appealing. I wanted to say that first because it seems you've put some thought into the overall aesthetic, which I have to say is not something people do as much as you think they would. I'm glad for that and I think the poem filled with quatrains fit and I'm wondering if this is some sort of structured poem due to the neatness here.

That's something I always love about structured poetry but never admit: the structure is a body for the substance and actual content of the poem to stretch across or spread out upon, and if we're looking at structured poetry, that's already done and it's instead of using a cookie cutter to make the shape, it's like pouring batter into a pre-made shape. The best part is, both can work!

Jumping off of that ramble that I got stuck in, I have to say that I'm a fan of the rhyme this time around even though this is a very rare occasion that I like having it over not having it. I have to agree with Becca that this poem is pretty perfect, and I don't usually say that.

I can see another stanza being added for a sense of evenness, though you don't have to do that if you don't want to. I wanted to point out the weakest stanza to me, which is the fourth for some odd reason. I'm not as drawn to it as I am of the others, so I suggest playing around with that though going for a slow-paced sort of tone can pay off if you execute it well enough, which here, you do. Especially with the ending being soft and sleepy this is a very calm and relaxed poem with some emotion infused.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day, Fort.

Hi fortis, Becca here for a quick review, it seems that one is very overdue.

And I can see why people have been reticent to leave a review (myself included). This poem seems perfect, with not much room for improvement. I will nonetheless point out what I think really worked for this poem.

First off and most obviously, you don't see too many poems on YWS in meter, which you pulled off amazingly. The only line which I thought was a tad off was, "do you remember when you loved me," as remember as one too many syllables. This could be easily remedied by changing it to, "do you 'member when you loved me." Just a thought.

Now, a note on imagery. You used imagery here so so well. You have the "broken awning," the berries drying, the "weeping willows," the "mound of pillows," and this whole beautiful thing "folded letters:
ink-trailed tears from black-dipped pen."

I thought the repetition of elements from the first stanza in the last stanza was a very effective way to end the poem. You repeat the setting, and then turn it on its head--a wonderful idea.

Overall, beautiful beautiful piece. Please keep writing. I hope to read more of your stuff.

Superb poem fortis

Sometimes, an awesome rhyme poem surpasses them all. This makes my day! <3

Daemon here to leave a review.

Really, really, really can't find anything wrong with this, at all.

No, seriously, this is amazing.

Beautiful!