Chapter 1
I cannot be caught. In the red of the rising moon, a man hurried along the cobblestones. The slight tap of his wooden shoes was magnified by the raw nerve set to explode inside of him. He quickened his pace, worried they might realize he was gone.
Keep moving. That’s your job. Just keep moving. ‘‘Crash!’’ He jumped as something slammed shut behind him, then scolded himself. Just a door, keep moving. So late.
Oh god. The baby in his arms was stirring. He rocked it back and for as gently as his shaking arms would let him. She began to cry. He rocked her more forcefully now. No good, the crying grew louder. She was sure to wake up half the town. Panic clutched at his throat. He began to run.
Corners flew by, streets disappeared: he was going to make it. Pain shot through his side, breathing became labored, ragged. He had to stop. Even elves needed rest. Crouching low in a dingy alleyway, he inhaled deeply, the baby a dead weight in his arms. The elf shifted her slightly. She had stopped crying.
Before his breath could return the sound of boots on pavement distracted him. Shouts rang out through the crisp air. They were aware of his disappearance. He cursed silently and began to run again. His life in the world of Vaene was over-forever. The only place he would find safety now was Earth. The elf groaned. Humans.
The noises continued to follow him throughout the city. They attached themselves to the lone elf, refusing to be shaken of by every twist, turn, alley, and passageway. In fact they grew closer. He kept running, all the time listening carefully. The voices were there again, definitely closer this time. Crap. I hate this job!
He reached the edge of the city. Before him lay the most dangerous part of his journey. A large plane of tall grass stretched outward before him. His stomach clenched, if he was going to be caught anywhere it would be here. On the other side a forest rose up. The elf had another word for it: safety. He would make for the trees.
The elf’s heart beat faster, an irregular thump thump-thump, but he pushed the uneasy silence out of his mind. He had to focus all his energy into getting across the field.
A noise jolted him and he bolted from the city limits into the grass. He was halfway towards the safety of the trees when his mind finally caught up with his reflexes. Stupid, stupid, stupid! It’s just a dog! He bent lower and plowed forward even faster.
Something whizzed past the elf’s face and a group of grass vaporized in front of him. He didn’t even pause. Instead, he ran faster, urged on by the deadly magic. Dodging one bolt of energy after another, he sped to an inhuman pace. The elf reached the forest not a moment too soon. He glanced back momentarily to see the spark of a fire send smoke into the night air. The smoke hovered for a second then grew, black as tar, and the fire engulfed another section of grass.
He turned away and directed his gaze upward. Time was running out. There! He spotted it. A small cabin camouflaged to blend in with the emerald leaves of the trees surrounding it. Carefully hidden notches in one of the surrounding trees provided the only entrance.
The elf snuffed out his flickering lantern, throwing the forest from gloom into darkness. He felt for the first notch in the tree and was about to begin climbing when the baby, tucked into the crook of his left arm, rolled over.
Something inside him made the elf hesitate. Once he began to climb the child’s fate would be sealed. No do-over. You can still walk away, a part of him whispered, wild, infatuated with the idea.
The sensible half of him turned its nose up. It would be too difficult. Besides, it added, on a role, you need the money. He’d never really had a choice. As if to prove this noise close-by frightened him into action. The elf began to climb reaching the top without trouble.
“You’re late,” a voice chimed coldly ringing around the sparse room.
“My apologies, Alleys, but I don’t even want to be here!” The air before the elf shimmered and a woman appeared. Her intense green eyes were fixed on him.
“Then you shouldn’t have taken the job.”
“I had my reasons.” He held his ground.
“Your predicament makes no difference to me. Now give me the baby.”
“What if I don’t?” She isn’t so scary. Alleys leapt forward. Scary, scary, scary! Take it back!
“I would not test me,” her eyes sparkled dangerously. “for my patience is wearing thin. I repeat: Give me the baby”. Regretfully, he handed her over.
Something wasn’t right but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Then it hit him. Everything was silent. He could no longer hear his pursuers. Their shouts, which he’d tried to block out, had been clearly audible a moment ago. He shivered, not a sound. Even the birds were silent.
“You are wise.” Alleys said. The elf tried to focus on her instead of the silence that enveloped them in an invincible bubble. Pushing her ebony hair behind her pointed ears, she carefully parted the blankets in her arms to reveal a tiny sleeping baby.
The infant’s ears, prominent on her almost-bald head, were a strange shape. Too round for an elf’s, too flat to be a human’s. Somewhere in between. The top of the baby’s head was covered with tiny auburn hairs sticking out in all directions. It was an unusual colour for an elf, but beautiful in combination with her pale skin. A tiny band of gold sat upon her head.
The faintest whiff of smoke drifted into his nostrils.
“Alleys?” the elf’s voice was timid.
“What?” she snapped.
“Take me with you to earth!” he posed the proposition hurriedly.
“No!”
“I will be safe there, but I cannot stay here.”
“No.” Alleys repeated. Her voice had taken on a genuine, almost loving tone. “I say no because what you want is right here. If you come with me, you will be consumed by guilt and that wouldn’t be fair to you. I can read you like a book.” She smiled and turned away from him. With a delicate sigh and a flick of the hand Alleys was gone, taking the baby with her. The elf remained.
Within minutes the forest was consumed by flame.
Chapter 2 - Sixteen Years Later
Jaclyn was sitting at home alone, flipping through a mountain of homework without really doing any of it. She wasn’t sure her day could get any worse. She hadn’t finished her project for English, she’d managed to get detention from two different teachers, and she’d forgotten her Math textbook at home. Not to mention that her ears were looking especially odd today, just waiting to be made fun of. It was a beacon for kids who wanted a good laugh at the expense of her dignity. Why couldn’t they be normally shaped? She ran her hand absentmindedly through her hair. It was the only thing good about her appearance. At least, in her opinion.
It hadn’t always been that way, though. When she’d been younger, she’d embraced the little oddities about herself. Overly pointed ears made her an elf while small feet made her Cinderella. Jaclyn smiled remembering the Christmas 10 years ago.
She’d walked downstairs Christmas morning in a puffy red and green dress and ballet flats that were two sizes too big. She’d just had to have them. The song ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire’ was playing and the smell of crumble wafting in from the kitchen was making her mouth water. She’d stared at all the presents shoved under the tree. Half way down the stairs she’d tripped over the shoes and tumbled the rest of the way down the stairs to the living room. She’d cried too caught up in the scrape on her knee to think about anything else. But only for a moment, then the enticing presents had pulled her back into the spirit and she’d forgotten about that tiny scrape on her knee. Sometimes she wished she could go back to being 6. Things were so much simpler then. Now, it was not so easy to forget the scrapes that cut her life.
Screeching tires in the driveway brought her back to the present. Automatically, she looked to the clock on the wall, but it was only 3:30. Neither of her parents finished work till five. A moment later there was a sharp knock at the door. Jaclyn got up from her chair in the kitchen and answered it.
Standing in the doorway was a woman she’d never met. Short black hair framed the stranger’s face and striking eyes stared straight through her. Jaclyn noted with surprise that the woman’s ears were even more pointed than hers. The woman made no move to introduce herself.
“Hi. Can I help you?” Jaclyn asked suspiciously. The woman’s eyes were very green. So much that they were beginning to make her feel uncomfortable. They were the kind of eyes that kept secrets. Who was she?
“Do you trust me?” The woman’s voice was so smooth and captivating. The way she asked this! It was as if Jaclyn’s answer was the most important thing in the world. She found herself nodding without really knowing why.
Without saying a word, the woman reached out quickly, and grabbed Jaclyn’s hand so hard it hurt. “Ow!” Jaclyn tried to pull away from the woman, but her grip was vicious. Without warning, the world began to spin around her and her vision blurred. Everything faded to black as she succumbed to the darkness that beckoned.
From her kitchen window Ms. Barker looked out to see a flash of light from her neighbors house. What in the world is going on? When the flash did not happen again she let it go and went back to the dishes. Darn teenagers, always causing a stir.
It was pain that first brought Jaclyn back to consciousness. Not sharp or unbearable, but a dull throb of a headache. Moaning, she turned over onto her back. All at once memories pushed through the pain, and she attempted to sit up, eyes wide open.
Bad idea! She thought as shooting pains racked her skull and she carefully closed her eyes. Slowly she tried opening them again and this time the pain did not come.
She was definitely not in her house anymore. The room she was in was painted silver. The sheets on her bed she was lying in were also silver but the pillows were not. They matched the huge chest in the corner that was a royal purple color. Finally a set of slippers in the same purple color sat on a silver rug beside her bed.
What was with the silver? The purple too for that matter. Not only that but this place seemed familiar. Maybe she was asleep; it was the only explanation that really made sense. She pinched herself and rubbed the tender spot on her arm. It sure didn’t seem like she was asleep.
Hoping to find someone with answers, she donned the furry slippers and opened the door shutting it quietly behind her. Within seconds she was surrounded by a mob of people. Strangely, not a single one said anything. Each simply bowed with submissive, down-turned eyes. After a moment of silence one of them stepped forward from the back of the group. She was instantly recognizable as the same woman who had showed up on Jaclyn’s doorstep.
“Follow me,” the woman said snapping her fingers. At the sound, the mob blocking the corridor filed into two neat lines, one against either wall. She started down the narrow path of empty corridor, not bothering to check if Jaclyn was following. Stunned into silence, Jaclyn hurried after her. What else could she do?
Jaclyn was lead to the largest room she’d ever seen! It was empty except for a simply crafted throne in the middle of the room and the walls were a modest off white. Yet, somehow the room was still magnificent. It didn't need royal colors or fancy embellishments; all it needed was the man sitting on the throne.
He wasn’t particularly tall, just average, and he didn’t appear strong either. His hair, brown and beginning to gray did not astonish either. Yet, the moment Jaclyn walked into the room, he commanded her full attention. She could almost feel the power radiating from him and the confident way in which he sat only made him more intimidating.
“Thank you Alleys,” his voice sounded youthful, at odds with his appearance, and held surprising warmth. The woman who Jaclyn now knew as Alleys bowed low and took her place, becoming still as a statue beside his throne. “Come forward child!” his voice was commanding yet kind. She shuffled a few steps forward, then looked down at the ground. There was nothing beneath her feet but air. Blanching, she stood completely still, hoping that whatever sorcery was at work didn’t fail. What looked impossibly like green clouds swirled beneath them, blocking everything else from view.
He stood in front of her looking perfectly calm; perhaps even slightly amused. Every muscle clenched inside her as Jaclyn spoke attempting to keep the hysteria out of her voice.
“What is going on?” Judging by the look on the king’s face she was failing miserably.
“My dear!”
Surprising warmth melted the frost of his voice, “My princess, my daughter! You should be happy. You are home!” He was so happy it was painful. Jaclyn squeezed her eyes shut. It had gotten way past weird. It was now approaching absurdity. This is the point in the story where someone jumps out and says ‘got ya’, she thought. Of course, no one did, and reluctantly she opened her eyes again, first one and then the other.
“Is something wrong?” There was real concern in the king’s voice.
“No,” Yes!
“Great! Then your duties as princess can begin.” Suddenly the green clouds disappeared and they were on the ground again. “Alleys will instruct you in your training, which you will start immediately. There’s no time to waste,” he said, speaking to both of them. Alleys stepped forward and bowed.
“Follow me,” Alleys said. For the second time that day, Jaclyn found herself following Alleys around the labyrinthine castle.
They stopped before a set of heavy-looking double doors. Alleys pushed them open effortlessly and gestured for Jaclyn to step inside. The door closed behind them silently. Jaclyn stared around the room. It was very odd. For even though it was a good size not a single piece of furniture occupied the empty space. Warmth rose up from the stone fireplace at the far side of the room. Alleys smirked slightly at the expression on Jaclyn’s face.
“Shall we begin?” Alleys paused for a moment. Then, a foot came flying out of nowhere smacking into Jaclyn’s face.
She jumped back, rubbing her cheek. “What was that for?” This is getting out of hand. These people are insane!
Alleys’s smirk morphed into a smile. “First rule of royalty, princess: be able to defend yourself. Not everyone is going to like you. Now get up!” Jaclyn did as she was told, but she found herself on the ground again. Ow! What the hell!
“Concentrate! Try again, and this time block my foot with your hand.” Jaclyn crouched low in what she thought was a fighting position, and waited for Alleys to attack.
Pain sprang up from her legs and she was on the ground for a third time. She hadn’t even seen Alleys coming at her. Jaclyn felt her cheeks grow hot.
“I wasn’t ready!”
“I wasn’t ready!” Alleys imitated. “Do you think an assassin or enemy in combat is going to wait for you to be ‘ready’? Get up.”
Jaclyn did as she was told and immediately found herself on her backside again.
“Stop!” Jaclyn shuffled to her feet and crouched low in a defensive position. Her teacher nodded approvingly and advanced towards her. This time Jaclyn watched for her attacker but still it was all a blur. A hit to her side and she was on the ground sprawled on left.
Jaclyn provided little competition for Alleys and so time and time again she found herself on the ground nursing bruises and her broken pride.
“I’m done,” Jaclyn announced after a particularly nasty hit left an imprint of one of Alleys’ feet in her stomach. “I’m just not cut out for this so can you leave me alone?” All I want to do is go home, is that too much to ask?
The playful amusement left Alleys’ eyes.
“No, I’ll tell you when we’re done.” Apparently it was. Jaclyn couldn’t help but sigh. “We’re going to keep doing this until you get it right then we can stop. Understand?”
There was coolness in Alleys’s voice, daring Jaclyn to say something. She was about to, until she thought of how much harder those hits could probably get. Wincing, Jaclyn got back into position and waited for Alleys to land her blows again. She came at Jaclyn ready to attack but as her foot came up something amazing happened: Jaclyn caught it. Alleys stumbled from side to side as she kept a firm grip on her leg.
“Let go!”
Jaclyn laughed and let go of her foot. Maddeningly, Alleys had managed to keep her balance but in Jaclyn’s eyes it was still a great victory.
“Rule number two, princess: don’t let down your guard.” Jaclyn ignored her.
““I actually did it I beat you-oof,” Jaclyn’s feet were out from under her again. Alleys stood over her stone faced.
“Rule number three: never cross me, you will regret it. We’re done for today.” Alleys did not offer to help Jaclyn up and did not say a word as she Jaclyn back to her room.
Jaclyn was left to find her own way back to her room. Inside she found a young woman flattening out the creases in the sheets of her bed. She paused when she noticed Jaclyn come in.
“Milady, I have been assigned to be your lady in waiting. If there’s anything I can do, just ask.” She had gone back to making the bed.
Jaclyn watched her for a second before saying anything. She was smaller than Jaclyn with long, curly brown hair almost down to her waist. Her eyes were the same color as everyone else she'd seen, bright green. She couldn't have been older than Jaclyn herself.
“What’s your name?”
“Loreil.” She continued to busy herself with a whole number of pointless tasks. Finally, with everything dusted and the bed straightened out, it seemed there was nothing else to be done. “Goodnight princess,” she said, “I’ll see you in the morning”.
“Goodnight, Loreil.” Jaclyn, sore and stiff from her training, was in dreamland before her head hit the pillow.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I have to agree with the others, it was quite fast paced. Jaclyn took it all with really no questions at all and it seemed that she sort of knew what was going on. But I really enjjoyed it although I was hoping the elf in the beginning didn't die. I get attached to characters pretty quick. But please! Keep up the good work I can't wait for more!!
thanks both of you
no I haven't read that book I'll check it out. You're right I tend to go a bit fast paced for my first couple drafts until I slow it down by adding more detail etc in. I think I might keep the first chapter pretty fast paced but after that i will slow it down starting second chapter 
thanx.
I think it's good. It's intense action in the first sentence. Although I do agree with "Oneeyedunicornhunter" (name choice?) that it is a little too fast a pace. Take it slow and the audience will definately appreciate it more. If you keep going this fast the story will be over by page 5! Anyway it's a good story so stay with it and it'll be awesome! Can't wait to read more. (BTW: You read Maximum Ride? Seems like the type of book a faced paced person such as you might enjoy)
I think it's good. It's intense action in the first sentence. Although I do agree with "Oneeyedunicornhunter" (name choice?) that it is a little too fast a pace. Take it slow and the audience will definately appreciate it more. If you keep going this fast the story will be over by page 5! Anyway it's a good story so stay with it and it'll be awesome! Can't wait to read more. (BTW: You read Maximum Ride? Seems like the type of book a faced paced person such as you might enjoy)
I think it's good. It's intense action in the first sentence. Although I do agree with "Oneeyedunicornhunter" (name choice?) that it is a little too fast a pace. Take it slow and the audience will definately appreciate it more. If you keep going this fast the story will be over by page 5! Anyway it's a good story so stay with it and it'll be awesome! Can't wait to read more. (BTW: You read Maximum Ride? Seems like the type of book a faced paced person such as you might enjoy)
It's not in first person, so we can keep the expressions limited to character words and thoughts.
Good job on showing instead of telling!
"On a roll", not "On a role".
I would change this to "Do not test me." Her eyes sparkled dangerously. "My patience is wearing thin." Just more natural.
I'm in Chapter Two now, and I'm pretty well engaged. I suppose I should commend you on that, since my attention isn't all that great. xD But a little note: Jaclyn appears to have taken all this new stuff in stride, and considering it all seemed to happen to her in three seconds (one, at home, normal teenager...two, who is this green eyed woman?, three, I'm greeting an elf king while standing on air and I've just been teleported to an unknown world. Nothing out of the ordinary!), her response seems a little underdeveloped. This could be solved by 1-take the whole things slower, 2-amp up her confusion! If her responses seem too dramatic, well just remember she's standing on air greeting an elf king. I want to know more of what was going through her head. Or 3-(My recommendation) a little of both. The whole thing is too fast, in my opinion. Just slow it down a tiny bit, and let Jaclyn ask some questions! Let sommat "I demand you tell me what the $&#% is going on!" find its way in.
Whew. That was some hardcore critiquing.
Well, I hope it helped. Toodles!