Angels and Vampires-Part 3

I would just like to thank everybody for the amount of help I got on EVERY part of Angels and Vampires so far!!!!! Its been so helpful, and its you guys that has made it the amazing story it is today x

Forgotten x

“Where are we going, may I ask?” I asked so quietly that I thought she might not have heard. But, sure enough, she turned around to reply. Her expression was so tight that it could have been carved in granite, and it was a snarl. But, as soon as she saw my reaction to that, she smiled sweetly.

“Not much further. Two miles at the most? What, are you tired?” She sounded generally interested, but there was something in the back of her eyes that made me think that she was putting it on. Maybe I was just being cautious, but that was reasonable when you were being led to an undetermined place by a stranger. Scary.

“Okay, we’ll sit and talk. Willing to sit on the ground?” She asked, turning round and saying whilst collecting some dry wood off the ground. Obviously too dull the cold using a fire. After a few seconds of not answering she knocked me on the forearm with her elbow, and I nodded quickly. She laughed genuinely, making me smile. It was a homely sound.

“I think I’ll find a way.” She took her hands, touching them together at the palms, and whispered some fast foreign words into her fingers. Sounded Greek or Latin. Then, sure enough, she touched a single finger onto the middle piece of wood and it set alight, her arm jerking back so she didn’t burn herself. I had to stop myself from letting my jaw drop in amazement. Who was she? She sat on the floor cross legged, and patted her knees with eagerness

“Want me to start?” She asked after a few seconds of me staying quiet, and I nodded. I think she already knew enough about me for now, and I would tell her more when we were even.

“Well, my name is Tempest Kaden, and I am 16 years old. I have 7 brothers, all older than me.

Hello, forgottenfallen, maegardens here to review. I'll start with the nitpicks.

forgottenfallen wrote: “So, how are we going to light this?

forgottenfallen wrote: “Stories?” She asked, and her voice sounded surprisingly childish.

forgottenfallen wrote: But, not too long ago, I did something I shouldn’t. My eldest brother, Revenge, and I went out together and he suggested we do something that I didn’t think was right. When he insisted that I helped him complete this task, I did something I shouldn’t.

I must admit I really like this story, I'm not very good at seeing corrections so it's difficult for me to try and find fault with it. I want you to keep writing this. You have to keep writing this story!*TERMINATOR VOICE* I VANT ITZ NOW!

Iamyoursacrifice xxxx

Okay, well AddictionToFiction really nailed it all, so I'm just going to point out anything that you may have missed in your edited part.

forgottenfallen wrote:“Lexus!” A shrill voice shouted in my ear, it sounding still silky even with the loud volume. She shook my me with her long-fingered hands. I had already been half awake, the freezing blanket of snow under my back not disturbing me. It was just the silence, it disturbed the way I thought and dreamed. But, still, I had slept in a lot worse.
My feet scrapped scraped against the ground as I got up, my hands rubbing my eyes which were still adjusting to the morning light. It had been a long time since I hadn’t woken up in a city. The hills in the distance were dotted white, but the morning sunlight had already started to melt it. It Too repetitive, having two "it"s in there. You change it to something like "...started to melt the snow. It looked..." etc. looked stunning.
We had walked for hours and hours to get out of the city, and for hours more to get into a place not so conspicuous. A fire had been made inside a ring of trees, and stories of our childhood were told. Would he really explain his childhood to some strange woman who seems to know all about him? I'd be creeped out. It was the most interesting and fascinating night of my existence, but was also shrouded with despair and fear. There was just something about her, which compelled me to get to know her but also wish to run away. It was just a distant reflex at the back of my mind. She had given me some new clothes, including a new pair of denim jeans and a button up cotton t-shirt, all from the heavy backpack on her back that seemed to carry a lot of weight. She didn’t look distressed by carrying it all the time.
After stretching and kicking over the ashes of the burnt out fire, we started to walk through the rolling hills again. It was cold, overcast, and rain clouds hovered over the horizon. Today was going to be hard. Tempest didn’t seem to eat much, but smiled when she saw me devour anything she gave me. No wonder she was so thin. This made me point back to the possibility of her being human, as humans always watched what they ate in the hope that it would make them more beautiful. Very true. I like this sentence. If only they knew the laws of immortality. New paragraph --> Her eyes weren’t as bright as they had been two days ago; they didn’t have the same shimmer. The gold had became a light hazel and the emerald a dark green. It was just something about her.

Very good. I'm not the best at picking out errors, so I hope the rest are. Sorry, and I just have a bit of advice.... Lexine makes me think of a girl, sorry I know it's a guy, it's just it sounds like a girl. Sorry! Other than that your a very good writer.

Hey again forgottenfallen! Ready for a review? Well, ready or not, here it comes!

Okay, again with the paragraphs! I can't tell you how important paragraphs are! I'm going to try this a little differently this time; I've seen other people try it, so here goes.

“Lexine!” A shrill voice shouted in my ear, it still silky even with the loud volume. <- shrill and silky seem to counter-act each other to me. Her small hands with long extended fingers shook my shoulders. I'd change this to, 'She shook my with her long-fingered hands.' I had already been half awake, the freezing blanket of snow under my back not disturbing me. Then why was he half awake? I had slept in a lot worse. New paragraph. My feet scrapped against the ground as I got up, my hands rubbing my eyes which were still adjusting to the morning light. Ah, (take out Ah, capitolize It) it had been a long time since I hadn’t woken up in a city. The hills in the distance were dotted with white, but the morning sunlight had already started to melt it. Take out with. It looked stunning. New paragraph. We had walked for hours and hours to get out of the city, and for hours more to get into a place not so conspicuous. A fire had been set inside a ring of trees, and stories of our childhood had been told. Change 'set' to 'made' and change 'had' to 'were'. It was the most interesting and fascinating night of my existence, but was also shrouded with despair and fear. There was just something about her, which made me compel to know her but also wish to run away. Take out 'made me' and change 'compel...' to 'compelled me to get to know her...' It was just something. You just used 'something', so maybe change it to 'a nagging feeling' or something similar. Also, new paragraph. She had given me some new clothes, including a new pair of denim jeans and a button up cotton t-shirt, all from the large backpack on her back that seemed to carry a lot of weight. Maybe change 'large' to 'heavy' and remove 'that seemed to carry a lot of weight'. Or even say something like 'all from the large, heavy-looking backapck slung over her shoulders.' Just a thought, but not necessary. She didn’t look in distress (change 'in distress' to 'distressed') by carrying it all the time. New paragraph. After stretching and kicking over the ashes of the burnt out fire, we started to walk through the rolling hills again. It was cold, overcast, and rain looked over the horizon. 'Rain looked over the horizon'? Maybe say something like 'rain-clouds hovered above the horizon'. Today was going to be hard. Tempest didn’t seem to eat much, but smiled when she saw me devour the food that she had given me. This sentence doesn't flow well to me. It looks like it changes tenses, from didn't seem' to 'saw me devour'. No wonder she was so thin. This made me point back to the possibility of her being human, as humans always watched what they ate in the hope that it would make them more beautiful. If only they knew the laws of immortality. Her eyes weren’t as bright as two days ago; they didn’t have the same shimmer. The gold had because (just a typo, 'became' not 'because') a light hazel and the emerald a dark green. It was just something about her.