The Secret World
“I hate going to my cousins!!…. It’s so weird there and Sydney is so different,” I said.
“You’re just going there because I have to go somewhere. And you can’t go there,” Replied mom.
“Ok…Fine. But where are you going?” I choked.
“None of your business,” she said sort of suspiciously.
I need to get a break from all of this…why is mom so secure anyway? Yeah I know I’m shy mom but what does that have to do with it? I was there thinking my head out. There’s no clue to where mom has been going but she always tells me never to look inside the old cabinet. Yeah I can here her know… “Clair! Don’t go in the old cabinet there are spiders in there!!” Like I’m a baby. Anyway what is in that cabinet? Maybe I can peek just a bit?
Now I was walking down into the basement, which was the first step to my new world. Opening the door was like trying to train an old dog to do new tricks. Finally I opened it. This was the second step. Peeking in was the third. What is this? I thought. Suddenly mom found me. “What are you doing in here? Didn’t I tell you NEVER to get in here? Never mind. You already did it. Now I have to tell you where I’ve been going.”
“Why? What? How is this related to that?” I asked as if I was screaming.
“Ok. Do you see this?” my mom said pointing to the strange mirror like figure in the old cabinet. I nodded.
“Well. This here is a portal, which leads to the secret magical world of Magicia.” She said as if she was whispering.
“Magicia? Secret, magical? What--” But before I could finish she topped it all of with,
“I’m a sorceress in Magicia and it is my duty to insure safety there. No more questions. I will postpone your visit to Sydney and you Clair can come with me to this new world of yours.”
It was amazing!! After we toured the world, we got to meet Lord Mcgourrie! He taught me all of my powers. My favorite one was ice. I got to freeze everything in my path and when mom scolded me, I warmed it up with my firepower.
Lord Mcgourrie said why I need those powers. I needed them to protect the earth from harm. What is this harm? Well, its Mcgourrie’s brother; Lord Wormworth. He’s been trying to destroy Earth and ALL of Magicia! I don’t need to worry about that though. “Are you enjoying your visit to Magicia?” my mom asked.
“Yup! Why? Are we going home now?” I replied.
“Of course! Why, actually I told your aunt that we’d be there at 3:00. And it’s already 2:50.” She said chokingly.
“OH ok.” And that was it.
Oh and just a reminder: shhhhh don’t tell about Magicia!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Why oh why haven't you made this into a full on NOVEL?
I'm a fantasy junkie and this is a really really good idea! I agree with Lycando in terms of I'm guessing you're quite young? So maybe the rest of this amazing idea will come with time.
I like the relationship that you have created between mother and daughter...you could take this so many places. I also liked the way you described your character being reluctant to finally opening the cabinet door even though shes being dying to know what's inside for AGES.
I would have loved more detail on how she found her powers and how she begins to develop them. I would also have loved to known more about the rivalry between the too Magicia brothers!
I hope this helped and also encouraged you. Please think about writing more.
Good luck! & feel free to take a look at my work when you have the time
Thanks for your opinion! And I'm thinking of continuing this story....Have a great day! Oh and also I'm reading one of your work...It's great!
~Trish
Hi there Foreverfree!
So let's have a look at what you've got here
I like your concept. The world of Magicia sounds very interesting and I like the idea of accessing it through a portal and that Clair's Mum is involved in it. You don't see that much in fantasy, usually the parents get somehow removed from the adventure and so it's interesting to see a parent here that is actually involved.
I think the main issue that needs to be addressed here is pacing. Whilst the concept is interesting and the mother/daughter dynamic is interesting...I didn't really get to enjoy much of that because it all felt like a bit of a race to the end.
I quite liked your final line, it's kind of fun and quirky, but I think you seemed to be in such a hurry to get to it.
What I mean by this is that you just introduce the reader to Clair and then all of a sudden we are being introduced to his portal, this magical world, the major conflict in this magical world, the powers Clair is learning and then BOOM it's over. It's kind of like reader whiplash.
I read because I want to get involved in the world, I want to get to know the characters and feel like I am there with them. I can't get to know the characters if the story progresses at a rate where I am just trying to keep up with what is happening.
You have good material here but it's material that could literally be spread over several chapters. This could make a perfectly good longer story if you spend the time plotting it out and allowing the reader to get a feel of your world.
Perhaps try looking up some writing on how to construct a story, such as the use of the 3-Act structure. This sort of literature will help you see what points you should be hitting in a conventional story and when. Of course not every story will follow these rules but it's good to have a base understanding of this. Have a look at some of your favourite stories too and just see how your favourite author constructs the story. How do they introduce the character? When do they introduce the exciting incident? (In your case it would be Clair finding out that her mother is a sorceress)
You have such interesting material here that it would be a shame to not do it justice
If you have any questions or need any help with this then just let me know! I am but a PM away.
Bex x
Hey there foreverfree!
What was it like? Was it a a winter wonderland or a country side? Were there animals there or mystical creatures?
I like your story. It seems that you're quite young though, from the way you write it. A short piece of flash fiction, and also seemingly written from a child's point of view. Honestly I used to write like you when I was younger. Simple words and all those expressions! There's nothing wrong with this so don't worry, in fact it's the simplicity of this that makes it nice.
First of all, just wanting to correct some minor mistakes.
“I hate going to my cousins!!
I think visiting of going to your cousins is more suitable. Normally people use the term visit.
“Ok…Fine. But where are you going?” I choked.
Again, choked may not be the best word? In fact sometimes just said is good enough. No need to use words like "laughed" "screamed" or "shouted" for every single dialogue.
I would have liked it better if you describe Magicia a little more.
I like the name you gave to the villian, Lord Wormworth, it sounds pretty disgusting and it makes the reader hate him all the more!
I really liked this story, although I think you could have added more description to make the story nicer, good job though!
Cheers, Lycando!