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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi, *knocks*
)
So this is really short, and that's okay! It's fine, but with a poem so short you really want to make sure you get as much across as possible, to truly touch, in my opinion.
The start was good, I like the first three lines, I have a suggestion for "And have my troubles melt in the fire" I think it should be "And have my troubles melt in a fire" the reason why I think you should change it to "a", is that it makes it more fitting. When you said melt in the fire, it makes one think the fire is right there, inside the rainbow. Or is it?
If the fire is within the rainbow perhaps you could write "And have my troubles melt in the rainbow's fire," or something like that. Otherwise I think changing it to "a" would work better.
And personally I don't even think that you should include "And have my troubles melt in the fire" at all. I think you should add some other imaginary thing up in the sky. Because in your second line you wrote about troubles leaving already, and you described it "melting away". But if you feel you must have the trouble melt in the fire you can reposition it to go right after "That all my troubles would melt away". Like this:
"That all my troubles would melt away, melt away in a fire, burning bright through the sun's ray's. To be free and paint rainbows drifting by the clouds..." (yeah, I added stuff... couldn't help myself
The last line needs to be slightly revised as well, perhaps "I wish that all my wishes would come true, as I wish endlessly to reach further than even the sky...etc"
I think it re-written would make it more clear and also more connecting with your reader! So, I suggest you play with it, changing and rearranging the lines!
Keep dreaming! :>
So true at the point which I am at in my life. To fly in the sky would not only be freedom, but it would be power. You would be able to look at the world below you and know you never have to return. That while the evil consumes down there, you are high and flying with angels.
Often times I wish my worries and fears would melt, go away, vanish. To do nothing but do something as easy as painting rainbows by the clouds as you say, would sometimes be nice. But then I think, what is there in life without fear of messing up or stress? What if life if all there was too it was rainbows and flowers?
Nicely written. I really enjoyed it.