I Love You More

I like the poem . great feeling , well written and good emotion in it

great job

Hey, foreveralone, I'm jashy and I'll be reviewing your poem for today. I can see that you already got some reviews above, but I won't read those. Instead, I'll tell you my own opinions, okay? =) Don't worry, I'm not as harsh as the others.

First, of course, are some nitpicks (mainly typos):

I smile and feel rejoiced.

Your eyes,<space>when you look at me,
it make my heart skip a beat.

When you hold my hand
I feel safe.

When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced

When we are together,
everything disappears
and loses its meaning

I want to be with you forever. (here)
Your eyes,when you look at me
It make my heart skip a beat.

I like the feeling and the passion you expound in this piece. The mood of the poem is very strongly suggested and it makes reading it a whole lot more interesting! You should add quite a bit onto it though just to get the feeling more out there. Why are you feeling how you do. Or Is the feeling shared and can it be contrasted/compared to anything else.

DuhAznDude96 wrote:the poem here, u could hav added a little more. who is it ur talkin about? why do u love him/her so much? how much did he pay you to write this?

okay, what this dude said, what horrible.
that was so beautiful and very sweet.
DuhAznDude is just jealous that know one loves him.
Great job, it was very touching.

~JVM
P.S. If we were all alone, then we would be together in that.

awwwww I love this!! XD i love the rhymy ending

Theres so much to adore
Oh, and, I love you more

Hi! I've got some nitpicks for you:

and looses its meaning.

Your eyes,when you look at me

When you hold my hand

Every time you are next to me

Wonderfully written. It feels... soft. I don't know how else to put it, it's just soothing, about real love, real genuine love. Nothing dis-functional or anything like that, just soft, soothing love. Its nice to see that every once in a while. Great poem, I really like this.

foreveralone wrote:When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced We don't know what rejoiced really feels like, it's a happy thing, I know, but it's an emotion, which is abstract. Anything that is abstract can be classified as blank description, because it tells us nothing. Try using a smilie or something here. Instead of "... And feel rejoiced" Try something like: ... and feel like I've opened a new door. Something that is good and could envoke emotion in us, so that we would feel that rejoice and better connect with the poem.
When we are together,
everything disappears
and looses its meaning. This is kinda boring. The reason for that is that it's mostly straight foward, you telling us what is what. Rather than showing us. An example here would be saying like: The tv is nothing more than a light, bathing us etc etc. A tv does more than give off light, but that doesn'tmatter because you're with this person. Something is a bit more interesting, and again, more relatable. Because there have been times where you've turned on a TV just for the light, and what was on it didn't matter, right?
I want to be with you forever. You don't really need to say that you want to be with them forever, you're writing about how much you love them, so we can already tell that you don't want them to leave.
Your eyes,when you look at me You don't need to say "your eyes" if you're going to say when he/she looks at you. The reason for this is: If they're looking at you, we pretty much knows this means their eyes. Besides, the your eyes also breaks the flow a bit. Try removing it.
It make my heart skip a beat.
Can't you see? You should try not asking questions in poetry, it usually just hurts the poem. We should be asking the questions based on what you said, the actions given.
When you hold my hand
I feel safe. Again, this is kinda simple and you should try rephrasing this (check above for more on it.) Also, safe, as a feeling less abstract is because safe is the absense of fear or worry, atleast to me, and that means that you feel okay, normal. It's describing the lack of something, so... it's a bit looser but I'm still not all for it.
Every time you are next to me
I don't feel alone anymore.
There's so much to adore.
Oh, and, I love you more.

Aww this is a cute poem. I have no idea what the first comment is talking about, I don't think that you need to 'give away' any more about what's going on in the poem, it's pretty clear. I think this poem could be a lot more passionate and powerful, maybe by adding a few more lines here, there and everywhere that fit into the poem.
The rhyme scheme is a little all over the place, but I think that adds to the sweetness of the poem.

My favourite line is;

When you hold my hand
I feel safe.

i seriously laughed when i read this because i think it was personal experience that you wrote (no offence in anyway)
i think your a good writer for your age but i think the last line was kinda not making sence

loved your piece of art and will be reading more

Yours truly
- Stephene

Hey I'll do a quick review since lots of people already replied.

When I hear your soothing voice,
I smile and feel rejoiced. past?
Every time we are together,
It seems as if we are
The only two in the room. may I suggest : When we are together, everything disappears and looses its meaning? It's only a suggestion.
I want to be with you, forever.
Separate this here
Your eyes,when you look at me,
Make my heart skip a beat.
Can't you see?
When you hold my hand,
I feel safe.
Every time you are next to me,
I don't feel alone anymore. since you use feel already in there, I'd suggest the use of another word.
There's so much to adore.
Oh, and, I love you more.

CardDragon wrote:Please what is that first person talking about.
Poems are not suppose to be presence. I actually liked that poem, it was a good poem.
Though it was normal, you may want to use more exciting words or metaphors.
Along with that it was good for a beginner.

Please what is that first person talking about.
Poems are not suppose to be presence. I actually liked that poem, it was a good poem.
Though it was normal, you may want to use more exciting words or metaphors.
Along with that it was good for a beginner.

Hi foreveralone. I'm Solvy and I'll review for you today...or at least I'll try. XD Ok... this poem... I gotta say I understand what the narrator was feeling... and I guess you have felt the same way, too. Lol. But... the way you expressed your feeling in this poem are... well, what we see everyday if we go to youtube to listen songs or what someone would send to her boyfriend in a comment on Myspace... it sounds a little cliché, being honest. But it doesn't have to....

For example here...

Every time we are together
it seems as if we are
the only two in the room.

DuhAznDude96 wrote:the poem here, u could hav added a little more. who is it ur talkin about? why do u love him/her so much? how much did he pay you to write this?

the poem here, u could hav added a little more. who is it ur talkin about? why do u love him/her so much? how much did he pay you to write this?