Published October 1, 2005
The eyes, the eyes of them all,
they were watching me,
gazing at me with venom in their minds.
The eyes of the athletes were the first to stare at me,
waiting for me to fail,
They knew I would trip at the finish line.
They wanted to watch me go down,
down to where they thought I belonged.
Then came the eyes of the scholars,
those who knew the square roots,
the derivatives and ways to use pi.
They knew I would fail.
And they wanted to watch me go down,
down to where they thought I belonged.
It was the eyes of the preps that found me next,
when I was unable to make a sound.
They knew I couldn't stand with them.
But they wanted to watch me go down,
down to where they thought I belonged.
The eyes of them all would eventually watch me,
aware that they were better than I.
They knew they were meant to go up,
So they wanted to watch me go down,
down to where they thought I belonged.
I never believed them until now,
that they were to go up and I was to go down.
But now that I watch them fly up,
up to their hell the have created,
I know I will go down,
down to my heaven of peace.
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Yeah it flows more now.
Thanks... is the ending any better? I still don't know if I like it or not.
I really enjoyed it. The slow creeping rhythm made it weird and mysterious in a creepy, gothic, horror-movie way (and I say that as a good thing). The only part I didnt like was the end - I dont feel you built it up enough, and the last line was too long to be effective. I'd also maybe change irises to something else...not sure what...it just sounds too intellectual and doesnt really fit with the nature of the poem, if you know what I mean. The idea is great though, I love the concept of Heaven being down and Hell being up and etc. The repetition was well done, not too much, not too little. Kudos!