Published September 25, 2005
Do You See?
When you look into the mirror,
on your special day,
won’t you please tell me,
what can you see?
Do you see what the world sees?
The bright blue eyes,
and strawberry hair, once blond,
Do you see just what they see?
Or do you see what we see,
beyond that sunny smile,
and beyond those happy eyes,
into the soul of a girl so treasured by us all?
Do you notice all the memories,
the times we have had,
with those black-and-white photos,
and golden summers, often ill spent?
Do you see all you’ve done
for each one of us?
Do you see your light,
glowing brighter than the heavens?
So with a pen in your hand,
and a song on your lips,
I wish you well, my dear friend,
and a very happy birthday.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,743 Literary Works • 675,663 Reviews
thanks for sparing me, Liz! lol. Any criticism is welcome.
Not bad, but I think it could do with a bit of imagery just to spice things up a bit. I would pick this to shreds but I see what its purpose is: just to make someone feel good on their birthday, right? In that case, it's very fitting
Yeah sorry about the rushed end and all- im going to edit it as soon as i can- the "old ugly book" is a joke, by the way.
I know who this is about! Is it going in the book? I loved these lines:
"and strawberry hair, once blond,"
I cracked up at that one. Hahaha! But isn't "blond" spelled "blonde"? I think it goes either way. Whatever. That's really sweet though. I like it. Good questions too. We should ask her. Lol!
Ok. I'm a lousy critiquer, but I will do my best.
I like the poem as a whole, it just might sound a little better with some editing.
Do You See?
When you look into the mirror,
on this special day,
won’t you please tell me,
what can you see?
Ok. Why is this day special? Is it her/his birthday? If so, you could put your special day.
Do you see what the world sees?
The bright blue eyes,
and strawberry hair, once blond,
Do you see what they see?
Who is they? Perhaps a new stanza could be added explaining what they see.
Or do you see what we see,
beyond that sunny smile,
and beyond those happy eyes,
into the soul of a girl so treasured by us all?
Awww. Thats so nice!
Do you notice all the memories,
the ancient stuff,
like those black-and-white photos,
and the old ugly book?
The first and third lines sound great, but the ancient stuff, and old ugly book sound a little childish. Maybe you could think of a better way do discribe the objects, with out losing your images.
Do you see all you’ve done
for each one of us?
Do you see your light,
glowing brighter than the heavens?
I like the last two lines of this stanza a lot. They seem so genuine.
Please tell me, you sixteen-year-old,
What do you see in the mirror?
Theese sound a little bit forced. I would lose the you, and just make the first one "Please tell me, sixteen-year-old."
Sorry if I sounded mean.