Young Writers Society

Characters

Rosalind - Only normal (if you can call her that) person in the play

Orlando - Guy with no charismatic ability who is in love with Rosalind

Celia - Rosalind's air-headed cousin

Oliver - Orlando's brother (is courting Celia)

Queen Candace - Exiled mother of Rosalind

King Edward - Short brother of Queen Candace (Celia's father)

Jane the Bald - (once known as Jaques) Wannabe jester in Queen Candace's court

Charles - swordsman of King Edward

Ganymede - Rosalind's name for the person she disguises herself as*

Alia - shepherdess in love with Ganymede*

Sebastian - guy who follows Alia everywhere*

Touchstone - dictionary guy

Assassin - guy trying to kill everyone (previously known as Charles)

*not in scene I or opening

warning: if you aren't in the mood for something incredibly dumb and minutely funny, don't read this. Go read poetry instead.

Opening

Enter Jane the Bald and Queen Candace. Jane skips to center stage, then waits for a somber Queen Candace to join her. Candace smiles weakly at the audience, but Jane waves enthusiastically.

Jane the Bald: Hello! I would be Jane, Jane the Bald that is... (frowns) What's that? Of course I'm not bald! I didn't name myself... SHE (points at Queen Candace) did! Anyway, this is- (Queen Candace cuts her off)

Queen Candace : Queen Candencia Elizabeth Mary II is my name and the villainous King Edward is my horrendous brother! (wailing) HE started this! HE banished me after our father died so HE could have the throne! Despicable brute! Vile, monstrous, lazy, foul- (Jane interrupts)

Jane: Excuse me, your majesty. I believe there are young 'uns present. And you would do well to remember, he did let your daughter Rosalind remain at court with sweet little Celia. (Candace glares at Jane)

Candace: True... (sighs, but the fury quickly returns) But he murdered my supporters! You remember, Jane, don't you? Jacques of Arboroath, Orlando and Oliver's father, was hung when he refused to call Edward-

Jane: King Edward.

Candace (pointedly) Edward his king like traitors such as you do! he is a villainous, vile, voluptuous, villain! Fiend! he sent us to Sher-wood forest! Of all places! Sher-wood! And now we live in a miserable forest court! How dare he?

Jane: Do you allow the antagonist Oliver as well? He disobeyed his dead father's wishes and hired his brother out as a laborer rather than educate him, all the while wooing the Princess Celia-

Candace: Foes! Cruelty, disgrace, the horror! The enmity between us will never disappear! I hate the stench of him!

Jane: (eying the audience) Majesty... (Candace's anger fades and is replaced by a sweet smile)

Candace: Ah yes, I do hope you enjoy the show.

Act I Scene I

Courtiers stand around stage, leaving a circle in the middle of the floor, where Charles stands. Charles is warming up for a duel. Nearby, Oliver stands speaking quietly with King Edward. Their conversation is unheard by the audience over the noise of the court. Orlando enters.

Oliver: (hissing) Ah my ssssssspecial brother! Hehehe. (Oliver and King laugh evilly, then stop abruptly)

Orlando: This is an honor, my brother. I thank you for speaking to the king on my behalf. (sweeps a bow to first Oliver, then King Edward)

King Edward: (looking up) Well well, we don't have all day. Charles! Come here! (Charles sheaths his sword and struts toward the king)

Charles: (bowing) Yes, your grandness?

King Edward: I would like to introduce you to your kille- uh, I mean, competitor, boy. (Orlando bows to Charles, who looks shocked)

Charles: Um, uh, um... hmm. May I have a moment, your highness, to speak with you?

King Edward: What? No, yes, NO... Of course you can. This way, hurry, fast, we go. (Charles and King Edward walk toward the wings and the court sounds diminish in order for their conversation to be heard)

Enter Celia and Rosalind unnoticed

Charles: He is a boy, your majesty. I cannot fight a boy. (steals a glance toward Orlando)

King Edward: Pompous swords... PERSON!!! You will fight those who challenge you. The boy has challenged you and you will not disgrace me by refusing. I have your life- (Charles interrupts)

Charles: I will not fight to the death. (King Edward's eyes begin to bulge and he paces back and forth)

King Edward: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!!! Now, where were we? Ah yes, unless he withdraws, you will fight. (returns to Oliver and Orlando)

Charles: (sighs, notices Celia and Rosalind, struts over to them) Your Highness-es, or should I say "Your Highness and Lady"? Oh well. I have a request for you.

Celia: A request? I've never received one of those before!!! Where is it? Oh Charles, you are so sweet! (looks around, searching for request)

Rosalind: (ignoring Celia) Yes, good sir, what is it that you would like?

Charles: I would like you to speak to the boy, Orlando, I hear his name is, whom I have been ordered to fight. Perhaps you can dissuade him from a duel?

Celia: Dissuade? Touchstone! I need your dictionary! (a tall man appears and stares unblinking at the audience)

Touchstone: (robotic voice) Word please.

Celia: Dissuade.

Touchstone: To deter (a person) from a course of action or a purpose by persuasion or exhortation: dissuaded my friend from pursuing such a rash scheme. Latin root necessary? (Rosalind and Charles look on, amazed)

Celia: No, thank you. You may leave. (exit Touchstone) OK, Charles, we will try to dissuade this Orlando from fighting. now get on with the fight!

Rosalind: No, my cousin. he is asking us to stop the fight.

Charles: (nodding) Yes, milady, please stop him.

Celia: Why would I ever want to do - Oliver! (rushes over to embrace Oliver, whom she had just noticed. Focus remains on Rosalind and Charles as Celia and Oliver's reunion is silenced)

Rosalind: I will speak to Orlando, Charles. Maybe I can deter him. (glides over to Orlando, who had been watching Oliver and Celia)

Orlando: Lady! (sweeps Rosalind a bow, then stands, his eyes fixed on her face)

Rosalind: Are you Orlando, sir? (her eyes too, are fixed on his face)

Orlando: I- yes, I am.

Rosalind: Then I am afraid I must ask you to not do what you are about to do.

Orlando: Do what I am about to do? Are you speaking of the fight, milady, for I cannot give up a duel I have been hired to fight. ( eyes fall to the floor for a moment, then return to Rosalind's face)

Rosalind: Oh, ok then... I suppose you must. (Orlando and Rosalind continue staring at each other)

Oliver: (leaving Celia) All right, brother! You must fight! The king is becoming anxious! Get on with it! Die- I mean, win!

Orlando turns away from Rosalind, who backs into the crowd with Celia. King Edward stands at upper center stage, at the front of the courtiers half-encircling Orlando. Oliver is at his left. Charles struts over, but with a bit less pride in his walk and unsheathes his sword. Orlando does the same. A hush comes over the court.

King Edward: Begin! (smiles wickedly at Oliver, who shares the same evil grin)

Duel begins with the opponent circling each other slowly. Charles makes the first slash at Orlando, who easily blocks it. Orlando counterattacks with a series of swings, all of which are defended. As fight continues, court realizes that Orlando is not outmatched and cheers erupt from the crowd between moves.

Courtier #1: Step right, no fake left!!!

Courtier #2: Fight Fight!

Courtier #3: No, jab left, then right! Listen to me, fool!

King Edward: Kill him, Charles! Kill him!

Courtier #2: Fight Fight!

Courtier #1: Fool, you can't do that! He's going to stab you in the back!

Celia: What was that?

Rosalind: He turned around! Watch out Orlando!

Courtier #2: Fight Fight!

Courtier #3: oh! The boy has him! That was dumb of the king's man.

Courtier #1: He doesn't have him - oh wait, maybe he does.

Courtier #2: Fight Fight!

Orlando knocks the sword out of Charles's hands and drives his sword into his heart. Charles slumps to the ground, defeated. Cheers erupt from the crowd, but King Edward silences them.

King Edward: Do not cheer for the loss of life. Boy, come here. (Orlando moves over to the king and bows deeply)

Oliver: (To Celia) I must leave. Meet me tonight. (Celia nods and smiles. Exit Oliver)

King Edward: What is your name, boy?

Orlando: Orlando, son of Jaques of Arboroath (King Edward's eyes widen. he searches the crowd, but -having found nothing- he glares at Orlando)

King Edward: Would you had been born of any other man! He was my enemy, my sister's supporter! Leave at once or I shall have you beheaded! (Orlando, afraid, runs from the room)

King Edward: (to Celia) Come, daughter, we shall attend to dinner. (exit Celia, Rosalind, and King Edward)

Courtier #1: Let us- (lights go out and screams are heard all around. Lights up- Charles's body is gone.)

Courtier #3: Where has he gone?

Courtier #2: His spirit will haunt us- he was unburied!

Courtiers scream and there is a mad dash offstage. Silence follows for 3-5 seconds, then Charles, holding a executioner's mask, appears from the left wings. He scurries to center stage and pulls the mask onto his face. Charles "Assassin" picks up his sword and runs offstage. Lights fade out.