Published June 3, 2009
I hide behind lies,
I keep what i feel inside,
I have secrets that no ear will ever hear,
I walk along this road,
Thinking and crying,
so alone but no one will ever know
what i keep inside,
my hidden secrets.
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I see that you plan on making corrections to this, which are very needed. Other that the basic corrections, I think you also need to do some serious revising to the structure of the poem.
so alone but no one will ever know
what i keep inside
So alone but no one will ever know should not be on one line, and it certainly makes it more awkward to have what I keep inside on the next line. I dont want to tell you how to write your poem though, so that is really just a suggestion.
The first stanza was great, really nice, second stanza right now is NOT as strong, however with a little editing and refining, you could have a very nice poem!
Keep it up!
ok first of all i thought that the poem didnt posted and yeah i need to edit it which i am going to do now
I agree on the period's and comma's, but I like the style of it keep up the good work.
Hello there! How are you today?
Okay, to the review. I'm not sure whether you specifically set it up this way or not, but if you didn't, please throw in some capitalization. Lowercase I's annoy me when they serve no purpose. I think you have a good start to your poem here, but it needs to be longer. Explore the thought process further, find out what feelings are harbored due to hiding these secrets, and don't be afraid of expressing your ideas in a new way. With a little bit of work, this could be really good.
-Alyssa
Okay, *cracks knuckles* Its been a while since I've done a review, but here I go:
I found that some of your lines are to wordy, such as the third line in your first stanza. You could cut it down on the words some, or make it another line. You need to work on your flow alot, cause there really isn't a steady one going.
Also, I would suggest different punctuation. In the first stanza you have periods at the end of every line, and in the second stanza you have commas. In the first stanza I would suggest that you change those periods to commas and on the last line in the first stanza insert a period. The same with the second stanza.
Another thing that I should point out is that the last line in the last stanza is a bit awkward. I think that you should put what is after the period on another line. Or take it out. But it sounds and looks so awkward on that last line.
Oh, and try to keep it a little more original. There are so many poems similar to this especially in this age group. Your poem has potential, it just needs some remodeling and editing. Good luck and keep posting.
~Kaylyn