Chapter 3 : Epiphanies
"Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window. I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold ~ Taylor Swift
"Rach?" Clay called.
"Huh?" I uttered, dazed and on the verge of hyperventilating, as I realized I had been staring at my cell for the past ten minutes.
"You love me?" he asked gently, placing a soft hand on my back.
I nodded, a lump forming in mt throat and tears welling up in my eyes. I refused to look at him; if I did; I knew I'd burst into tears.
"Hey," he put two fingers under my chin, tilting my face up so that our eyes met. "You are amazing," he said. "And I love you too."
Dumbstruck, I stared into his eyes, before bursting into tears of joy. Two seconds later, I was furious. "Then why in the world did you go out with Beth!? Are you trying to make me spontaneously combust?? I will asphixiate you!"
"Ummm...split personality much??"
"It's a love-hate relationship," I said with a smirk. Honestly, how could he torture me like this?
"Call her!" I yelled. "Break up with her, NOW! Or, um, y'know, else."
"Must I destroy my happiness over you that quickly?" Clay inquired with an adorable pout.
Aww, how could I say no to that? NO! Must make him break up with Beth....Wow, he's right. I did have a multiple personality disorder...
"Won't it make you happy to be free of her evil clutches?" I asked, smiling sweetly.
"I don't want to be one of those guys who break up over the phone."
Exactly! Then, no girl would want him and he'd be MINE! I had a insanely strong urge to cackle like a maniac.
I handed him my cell phone, my eyes beseeching him. "Call her. Please? For me?"
"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine," he whined as he dialed her number. "Hello? Beth?....Uh-huh, yeah...Oh and by the way, we're over. Bye!"
He hung up and looked at me, raising his right eyebrow slightly, as he questioned "Are you satisfied, now?"
"Um, well, that was kind of mean," I said. "You should have broken it to her gently. I don't want a power-hungry cheerleader after the two of us!"
"Well, they can be vicious," he admitted.
"That's the understatement of the year," I mumbled. "They'll kill us."
"They?"
"Yeah, Beth will get a whole big band of her clones and come after us. She'll kill us by an overdose of pink and lipstick."
"But, we shall kill them by overdose of Star Trek and Pepto-Bismol."
"Yes, we shall," I said, with an amused look.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hiya Flutey! I'm back!
Okay, this is bothering me really bad for some reason. The dialogue punctuation is supposed to be a period, not a comma, and capitilize he.
To me, this doesn't seem very realistic. Would Clay really yell that? Just think about what could really happen or not, darlings.
Wow. We get it that Clay is holding out the fine, but you don't have to put that many i's.
Instead, do something like this: "Fine," he whined, drawing it out as he dialed her number.
Describe, describe, describe!!
Describe more! Let us see what is happening!
There is a lot of dialogue, but not much desciption! Give us more! Us readers want to be able to see what is happening during the dialogue. Please?
Keeping it Real
Try making it a bit more realisitc, dears.
Other bits and pieces
Good job with the grammar and stuff.
Just an overall good job!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments about anything.
*Lin
Told you they were all short, Twin!
Anyways, you should let me do some rambling. I'm an expert on writing everything about nothing.
Kidding! I mean, this could use some totally way-too-awesome imagery and we could go metaphor crazy. All that would bulk it up.
And and and we need to get in Rach's head more.
And in case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty much high on soda right now. Fun!
Again, waaaaaaay to short. Combine the chapters or something man!!! Sacrifice the cliffhangers for the flow!!! MY suggestions are combining two and three, or one and two, then three and four, unless, I don't know, something special happens in the fourth. The second way is better if you like the cliffhangers.
Also, I'm not really sure what the plot is. I mean, maybe it's just me, 'cause, you know, I'm The Delphanter. I hate love/romance/sappiness with a passion.