In the depths of the misty marshlands, Shayla an brandy walk alongside each other. They avoid eye contact so that they can keep the peace.
"I am hungry." Shayla couldnt help but say.
"Do i look like i have food on me?" Brandy asked rhetorically.
"I am just saying." Shayla said.
"Well quit complaining." Brandy snapped.
They came across a cliff overlooking a small bank on the other side of the bank was a higher cliff.The two girls made their way around to the lowlands where the bank is.
"Water!" Shayla yelled as she took a scoop of water with both hands and burried her face in it taking a big sip. It started to rain
They walked into the cave that was sitting over the bank. Inside the cave they stood side by side as they watched the rain, waiting for it to stop. Shayla heard a hiss then a swift breath hit her ear. she turned around to see a pale droopy face with big eyes looking at her angrily.
"A goblin" The two girls ran out of the cave and into the bank the water came up to their knees. They stopped near a big rock.The rock lifted up to reveal a few more goblins with daggers. Shayla's eyes widened. SHe fell back in the water as brandy followed her because atleast inside the stream they are safe from the slimy creatures.
The flowing stream took them to the end brandy felt relieved she turned to shayla who was still unconcious. she pulled her out of the water.
Shayla awoke to brandy sobbing.
"Its all my fault." shayla heard brandy say. "If i hadnt stood up on the bus the bus wouldnt of crashed and we wouldnt be in this weird place." Brandy stated.
"You are not guilty are you?" Shayla asked.
"I am." She let out.
"The bus driver was new and she didnt know what she was doing." Shayla consoled.
"lets hurry, and find civilization so we can find the paramedics for her." They walked along the rocky road and found an opening.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
ty for the reviews! i will be adding more later.
hey flora,
My suggestions are in brackets.
The mistakes are all alike. The story is a bit awkward but it's a good start. Hope to read more from you.
Puck
It's been a while since I've done this, but I just find that there are far too many grammatical and spelling errors to ignore.
In the depths of the misty marshlands, Shayla and Brandy walk alongside one another. Avoiding eye contact, they try their best to keep the peace.
Spoiler
Shayla couldn't help but say,"I'm hungry."
(The type of speech you use just doesn't feel natural. No one actually talks like that.)
"Do I look like I have food on me?" Asks Brandy, rhetorically.
"I'm just saying."
Shayla said."Well quit complaining."
Brandy snapped.Soon they came across a cliff overlooking a small bank, and on the other side
of the bankwas a higher cliff. The two girls made their way around to the lowlands where the bank was."Water!" Shayla yelled, taking a scoop of water with both hands and burrying her face in it
taking a big sip.It started to rain as they walked into the cave
that wassitting over the bank. Once insidethe cavethey stood side by sideasandthey[s] watched the rain, waiting for it to stop. Shayla heard a hiss [s]thenas a swift breath hit her ear. She turned around to see a pale, droopy face with big angry eyeslooking at her angrily.I know I didn't edit all of it, but you should get the idea from this portion.
If you can fix these errors, it'll make the reader less frustrated when trying to understand the story you trying to tell.
Keep on writing,
Veeren
Woops, that last part got messed up. It's supposed to be;
asandtheywatched the rain, waiting for it to stop. Shayla heard a hissthen...The rest is fine.