Collected on the bathroom floor,
Lying there glaring at me,
Piles of pain and guilt.
A tingle left on my scalp,
Like the pleasure of Christmas morning,
Holding a gift I’ll always need.
It pulls me everytime.
An intoxicating, glorious moment,
Leading to my downward spiral.
Push and pull, I am my hair,
You are yourself,
But we are the same.
Hidden and visible is where it stays.
My aggravating battle,
But what if I don’t want to win?
It has become a part of me.
If I let it go, will I be gone forever?
Because I wouldn’t want to live any other way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
I must say, over all I am kind of confused with the entire message this poem is trying to convey... Although your last lines really were powerful! Way to leave an impact on leaders leaving! Anyway, on with the review!
I don't understand how "pushing and pulling" has to do with hair. If you have see a relationship between the two in a unique way, then go for it! Just make sure your reader knows, if it's not a "well-known" comparison.
Other Suggestions:
As I have said before, I am confused with the message of the poem. Is it about friendship? A breakup? Suicide? Love? I couldn't really get the clear meaning of it, and the title "two-edged sword" (although I love it,) threw me off a bit. Whatever the meaning is, I encourage you to make it clear in the beginning, so all the description in the middle and end makes sense to the reader.
Anyway, welcome to YWS!
~Snazz Pizzazz
Hello! This is my first poetry review, so bear with be.
I like the message that you are trying to send with this- the internal anguish.
It gets rather confusing at the end- your message gets a bit garbled.
"Push and pull, I am my hair,
You are yourself,
But we are the same.
Hidden and visible is where it stays.
My aggravating battle,
But what if I don’t want to win?"
This is a bit confusing (I know it's poetry). The transitions are rather jarring, and I suggest working on the punctuation (which is important in poetry), because it can break up the flow of the piece. Punctuation would definitely help clean up the piece. Also, "overtime" is "every time"- just a simple grammar thing.
Keep up the good work!