My Love is golden skin shining through brown scales
My Love is eyes that open into the soul of a dragon who's been hurt and scarred
My Love is caring and gentle, reaching out but flinching back for fear of pain
My Love's laughter carries his whole body into joy rolling waves of energy pouring out
My Love is warm, heated by the fire in his core radiating out
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review.
I feel like this line needs some commas. It is just rolled on forever, with no pause between the words. I also like this line because it is a perfect metaphor for your love's laugh.I like to begin that this poem is a good poem. I enjoyed the repetition throughout the poem and the use of the metaphors you used to describe your love with this person.
I would suggest few things for this poem. I would suggest adding punctuation for this poem because it seems little run on. Like adding commas, periods or something since it could be easier read (you could leave it the way it is. Just a suggestion).
This line doesn't seem to agree with me because the metaphor seems a little well written. I would suggest re-writing it as My Love are the eyes that open into the soul of a dragon, who's hurt and scarred .
I would suggest one thing for this stanza. I would suggest removing the "but" and replace it with "before". It shortens it and sounds better.
Overall, I think this is a good poem (you just have to fix some things here and there). Good job.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Hello!
I love all the metaphors in this poem. To me metaphors are simple and easy to use, but almost always work really well. You did a great job with them in this.
My only suggestion is to maybe change the line that says "my loves laughter carries his whole body into joy rolling waves of energy pouring out." I'm not sure if you meant to separate it or what, but the "rolling waves of energy pouring out" doesn't really flow with the rest of the line to me. Maybe it's just me, but it just doesn't quite make sense.
Otherwise, it is really well written and I hope you keep writing!
i couldnt find a way i liked to describe his laugh
im open to suggestions. but when he laughs its his whole body lol
I like the use of metaphors in your poem. It adds to its depth. What I would suggest is the use of punctuation marks in order to separate your thoughts. Also I see you have tried to give this poem an open ending which is good. I liked how you described the painful effect of love in just four lines. This is good for a first try. And continue writing wonderful poems. I would love to read them.
thanks! i would also love this to be longer eventually...i will work on where to put punctuation
Hey there! CaptainSalty here with a review.
Okay, first things first. The poem isn't bad at all. I don't like the repetition, to be honest. Also, if you do want to keep the repetition, I would consider this.
Seeing this and the other parts of your poem, all of it begins with, 'My Love.' Comparing all that to the line shown above, it seems just out of order. I would change it up like this,
Also, I would add some commas in some places.
The parts I do like is all of the metaphors in it. It's just metaphors splattered everywhere. It details is pretty good, but to make it vivid, I would elaborate and add more things like similes and other things to improve it.
Otherwise, this isn't bad for your first poem! I do like it. Everything that needs improved is easy. Anyways, I want to see more of your poems. Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSalty
good criticism thank you
the laughter is my least favorite line...i tried alot of different things to make it sound better in my head but i havnt found what works yet
Oh. Well, I do hope this works for you!