z

Young Writers Society



Adlestrop

by flamingswordofdoom


The blackbird's song cut through the wind's howl parting the grass with a ribbon of sound. Cold steel on my back contrasting with the sun shining down on Adlestrop, the steel on my back the only place not warmed by the sun. Closing my eyes, I heard the steam car hissing and rolling in the distance. No one would get off here, they rarely did.

This was the perfect place to just sit and stay by myself. Watching blackbirds dance, and willows sway. Sometimes I would dance with them, racing at high speed through the meadowsweet, rolling and jumping in the haycocks, kicking at the willow-herbs growing in the burned remains of grass. Or I will pick one and attack it until it dies.

Sometimes I wished I had friends, the way I did before. Jen had become too good to play. Busy becoming an adult she followed after her mom and dad asking questions all day long picking their brains for all of the boring details grownups fill their dreary lives with. Mark went off to a fancy school somewhere in London a few years ago. He wrote occasionally.

I know my dad wished I was more social. Well honestly, he saw my void of community as a side effect of my lack of motivation to grow as a person. He tried to talk to me about it and if I would help he could understand easily. But unfortunately for him not communicating was part of my strike against the world.

A part of me burning deep inside wants another chance with them, but I know it's better this way. They wouldn't recognize me. I look different now. I'm smaller, and definitely cuter. I still remember being human, and my dad and my friends. I plan to catch one of the blackbirds eventually.

Visiting my tombstone by the river makes me sad but my dad hated cats that I remember. He would never take me in even if I tried. Well now I have the proof that reincarnation is real. I will be honest though, I never expected to wake up after the train hit me with only a couple of missing years. That was a surprise.

Maybe I'll go to Jen's house. She likes cats and her parents are nice. I'll just have to look cute enough that she'll let me stay. I'll be good, I swear. Getting up from this platform will have to wait until later, I'm warm and honestly thats all that matters to kittens.





based on http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/adlestrop/

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383 Reviews

Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

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Sun May 01, 2016 8:06 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



This was really cute, and sort of really sad. I really liked the idea for this short story, but the fact that it is such a short story does hinder a bit. However, the idea being entertained is already great enough, and I can't really complain much about that.

Okay, let's start with the beginning. I liked that it was very vague, but I feel like it was much too vague for the reader to infer what's going on. Why is the person on the train tracks, the readers ask. Are they about to kill themselves? They continue, worriedly. Wait, why do they like hunting blackbirds? Are they...human? they continue. Basically, it's confusing, and I understand that that is a perfect way to introduce the story and clear up all the fog in the ending, but at the same time it does make things a little more difficult to come into. I'm not asking for an explanation in the very beginning, of course. That would be stupid. A clearer confirmation of where the protagonist is will do.

Also, let's talk about the characters involved here. For the most part you can infer who they are and what they mean to the protagonist, but at the same time the work is too short and there are too many characters to give them breath and meaning, to let the reader feel for both the protagonist and the characters involved. I would've liked to hear more about Jen, who the protagonist decides to go to later on, or how Mark was. If the protagonist was a bit of a hermit an unsociable, what made them get to know these characters specifically? Do they have any fond memories of these characters?

Other than that, though, I can't say much about this work. It was pretty good, especially for its length, and I liked it overall. Good job.

Signing out,

--EM.






In all honesty I would love to continue this into something longer and clear up some of those questions. i'll look at the specificity of the location too, thank you for your feedback!



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34 Reviews

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Fri Apr 08, 2016 2:45 pm
JediDeadpool wrote a review...



Greetings! Watchdog1324 here with the first review ^-^

I have to say, I loved this. You have really powerful imagery that really pulled me along.
I like the idea of a cat that remembers it's past life where it was a human. (And I'm not saying this just cause I love cats)

The intimate little memories it remembers are beautiful and keep the feeling of the story.

However, it's not time for me to e a jerk and point out the errors. There's not a lot, but they're kind of important and need to be fixed to keep clarity

Or I will pick one and attack it until it dies.

This sentence seems to just be kind of tagged onto the rest of the paragraph, and kind of disrupts the flow because it's in the present tense instead of the past tense. Maybe edit it and smooth it out so it goes with the flow a little better?

Visiting my tombstone by the river makes me sad but my dad hated cats that I remember.

This doesn't make sense. You remember your dad hated cats? Or your dad hated the cats that you remember?

I never expected to wake up after the train hit me with only a couple of missing years.

Where did the train get a couple of missing years? Sneaky train. (obviously you're saying that after the train hit you, you were only dead for a couple years before being reincarnated.) This also needs to be changed.

That's all the mean stuff I have to say, but it's important and necessary, blah, blah, blah.

I honestly really liked it, and hope to read more of your work later!
Until next time, keep writing! :)






Thank you for the review! The first sentence you narrowed in on I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with. The second I missed a comma that would have clarified that their dad hated cats in general, and I'm still thinking about how to fix the third....any ideas?



JediDeadpool says...


Of the two left, the third one is remedied most easily; "I never expected that after dying by getting hit by the train, I'd wake up in a couple short years."

The first one... I'm less sure about. As I said, it seemed tacked on to begin with, so you'll need to say it earlier (which will disrupt the flow) or disregard it. However, since it SHOULD be in there, I suggest maybe "Or... maybe I will just pick one and attack it until it dies."

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my review! I hope I was of some assistance :)





Yeah I like that phrasing, is it ok to use? I'm feeling the same way about the first one......it's a very important picture to me for some reason so I don't want it gone. :(



JediDeadpool says...


Feel free to use any of this! I'm jut trying to help :) if you don't want to change it, don't feel you have to.



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Tue Apr 05, 2016 2:13 am
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armisael says...



Good twist ending I didn't expect that! Well written, nice style, good flow. There's a good air of sentimentality in this story which I think fits in nicely with the overall theme. A lot of feeling throughout!






Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I actually started with the intention to write it from the perspective of a ghost then found myself doing........not that. lol




I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)