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The buddhist mongol

by fj117


The buddhist mongol

Frankie Jimenez

Buddhism

Back in 1246 in Shanghai Buddhism was a peaceful religion in medieval China. People in china always walk to a temple and meditate. The good people of china always get attacked by mongol’s who try to invade china. Most attempts have failed for the mongols. Mongols attack without notice and if they get the chance, they will attack and kill. Monks can become buddhists and learn the ways of peace. Then one day a mongol was in the territory of china when a monk found him.

The mongol felt like he should kill him or let him run off then the Mongol thought how China worked. Then he just ran back to his territory and the monk ran back to his. The monk thought about why the mongol came to the land of china. He was confused. When the mongol got back to his home the other mongols wondered where he went. The supreme mongol leader asked him and the mongol said the land of china. The leader said “why were you there”?

The mongol said nothing and went back to his hut. Then later the unknown monk raced back to the Temple to meditate. This monk always learn more about the Buddhist culture. Then back at the Mongol’s tribe the Mongol snuck out of his tribe and he went back to the country of china. He remained in the shadows and quietly climbed a wall of a house and jump over roof by roof. He found the same monk he saw. He jumped towards the temple and surprised the monk and the monk jumped up and screamed and he said, “What do you want from me!”. The mongol said, “I want to know the ways of Buddhism and be a part of peace”.

The monk said, “why do you want to know the ways of Buddhism? The mongol said because I'm sick of seeing people suffer from my people. The monk said ok i'll show you the ways of Buddhism. A day later the monk took him to the temple were people could not see him.They got to the temple and the monk talked to him how things worked in China. He said “you always have to have the right view, right actions, right livelihood, right speech, right concentration, right effort, right mindfulness, and right intention”. Then a man saw the tow and he ran unseen and to the leader of china. He said that there was a mongol in the temple and then the mongols came running to the territory to the city.

The man formed an angry mob to hunt down the mongol and the mongols came and yelled where is our brother! meanwhile the two keep talking. Then they heard yelling people getting closer to the temple the walls vibrated and the smelt smoke. Then the the people stopped and said why did you bring him and the mongols said why are you here traitor. The monk said that he wanted to know about Buddhism then the people said wait so he doesn't want to kill us. The monk said no. Then the mongols said charge!

Then china soldiers came and fought the mongols and defeated the mongols the mongol said thank you for teaching me. The monk said you're welcome. The mongol found a home. He would always come to the temple and meditate like everyone else.

The End


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Thu Apr 07, 2016 5:04 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there fj117. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Your piece has been sitting in the Green Room for quite some time. My apologies for taking so long to get here, I missed the YWS connection at the Internet station. (This is why I shouldn't make jokes in reviews, no one understands them.) There isn't that much of a story to talk about so most of my review is going to focus on grammar, spelling, and typos.

this story is full of adventure, and war.

Your description serves as a sort of hook to the rest of the story. You should have proper capitalization and make it very interesting. The "T" in "this" needs to be a cap. I don't have a different version right off the top of my head but just try to make it exciting.

The buddhist mongol

Frankie Jimenez

Buddhism

I saw this formatting on many essays in the Green Room. Was this some sort of group class project? You should never give out your first and last name so maybe just put the first initial of your last name. "The buddhist mongol" This needs to be changed to "The Buddhist Mongol". Change it at the top of the paper and in the title box.

In this section, all of the letters and punctuation that I have placed in red, are what I think should have been corrected in a specific quote. If you have any questions about the placement of the red characters please PM me.

Back in 1246 in Shanghai, Buddhism was a peaceful religion in Medieval China.


People in China always walked to a temple and meditated.


There were a couple of recurring mistakes throughout the piece. Buddhists, this word and all forms always need to be capitalized because you are naming a specific religion. China, specific country so it also always needs to be capitalized. I'm pretty sure that the M in mongol always needs to be a caps as well. There are a lot more mistakes but they are only minor ones and would take me a very long time to list.

The story itself is somewhat weak but still based off of a real event. Or maybe not? I don't remember such things happening exactly in World History but I know of all of those squabbles. Then again it's been a couple of years since I've had World History. You might want to take up your story with someone who knows more about the topic.

Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer any more comments/words of wisdom, that is depending of course on how you take them. You're still somewhat new to the site so Happy Late Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to PM me.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
This is my I've stopped counting at this point review.




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Wed Mar 23, 2016 2:41 pm
JediDeadpool says...



I haven't read the story, but just a quick thing: when I first saw it I mis-read the title as "The Buddhist mongo!" I then spent about 5 minutes trying to imagine what a mongo is and why someone would write a story. Just thought this might make someone laugh :P




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Wed Mar 23, 2016 12:17 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



Some Errors I Thought Might Be Notable:

-"The mongol felt like he should kill him or let him run off then the Mongol thought how China worked." Thought of how China worked. Also, you might want to check the whole work to see if you capitalized all the Mongols, because Mongols and Mongol should be capitalized.

-"He jumped towards the temple and surprised the monk and the monk jumped up and screamed and he said, “What do you want from me!”." This is just a personal preference, but you don't have to say that 'he said'. You could just leave it as 'the monk screamed' or something of the sort. Also, you don't have to add a period at the end of the quotation marks, since you already have an exclamation mark inside the quotations.

-"The monk said, “why do you want to know the ways of Buddhism? " Add a quotation mark in the end.

-"The monk said ok i'll show you the ways of Buddhism." Consistency, consistency. If the monk said that directly, put the sentence 'Ok I'll show you the ways of Buddhism' inside quotation marks.

-"meanwhile the two keep talking." Kept, not keep. Assuming you're using the past tense, which you do for the most part.

-"Then china soldiers came and fought the mongols and defeated the mongols the mongol said thank you for teaching me." china soldiers should be Chinese soldiers. Also, that's a lot of different Mongols we're talking about here. Consider splitting 'the mongol said thank you for teaching me' into a different sentence, to make it more coherent.

Actual Review:

For the most part, I did like what this was trying to do. It's a very simple but very poignant look into Ancient China, at least in a layman's point of view. I liked how you portrayed the two sides as having equal tendencies towards prejudice and violence in the ending, and that the only way the Mongol finally finds peace is by the way of Buddhism.

However, other than the errors above, I found that it didn't develop the characters very well. While it did tell us why the nameless Mongol felt the need to be a Buddhist, the story never showed us why, expecting the reader to understand immediately after it's been told. Was he captivated by the peace of the monks? Was he tired of the war and senseless violence? These are the questions essential in making the reader root for a character, and I think it's worth trying to answer a few of them.

The beginning was also a bit of a mess. It started out like a non-fiction piece, telling us of Shanghai Buddhism, and then suddenly launched us into the conflict with the Mongols. Try focusing your energies into the main character a little bit more, it'll make for a much more coherent story.

Overall, it could be better, but the concept shines in all its glory nonetheless. Good job.

Signing out,

--EM.





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