Shut up Seraphim
No one cares
What you have to say
On a rush
On a rage
On a whim
Take a snooze
and stay that way
Your tongue
forks twice
in sticky grays
To let us live
the way we please
Like Chocolate milkshakes
Chugging down
All our days
On our knees
Rollerblading
Party crashing
Hothouse flowers
in blushing sprays
Perennial we lean
Perennial we seem
Palms tipped up
to Cherry Pray
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
While this certainly did sound interesting read out loud, I'm not sure that that's quite enough to make a poem. I have to be honest, and it might just be, but this made no sense. I couldn't seem to get any sort of meaning from it, and to me, without meaning, it's just words. Pretty, interesting words, but words that otherwise didn't hold much weight. I think it would be interesting, if you know what you're saying, if you tried to do what you could to sort of clarify whatever meaning is here, without losing the read-out-loudability of it, of course. If you don't know what you're saying, I think meaning would certainly help this and give it some direction. Of course, that might just be me-- this might make sense to almost everyone else out there, and if that seems to be the case, or if you disagree, you can aboslutely completely disregard this.
Hey there, fizwhip! Right, I have to say that I rather enjoyed reading this out loud. It had quite a delicious spirit to it and there was something very simple about it.
One comment I do have to make has to do with the amount of punctuation that you have throughout the whole piece: none. I’m not saying a poem has to have a lot of punctuation. Some poems do great without and it’s always a choice to use punctuation or not. But I think you could definitely have some fun if you dodged around with some dashes and semicolons. They can definitely add a crazy fun aspect to a poem. And I wish I could remember who ranted about this once but use those ampersands (you know, these thingies &) because you sometimes really catch people off guard when you use them.
Otherwise, I like the statement that you’re trying to make with this, especially with that first stanza. Really, though, more than anything, I just love how catchy this is to read. It’s fun and still makes a solid statement so congrats, fiz!
And if you have any questions about the site, feel free to PM me!
~lilymoore
Ummm....okay. Not sure I understood the purpose of this. Ranting? I'm sure this makes sense to someone.