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Barren

by fireheartedkaratepup


She crouched at his feet, a trembling mass of fear.

"Hey."

She made no move to respond.

"Can you talk?"

The trembling increased.

Well, this is disconcerting.

"Hey. So. I'm assuming you have no place to go. So, uh. I'm just gonna pick you up. Ok? I'm gonna carry you to my place."

He moved as he spoke, stooping to awkwardly shift the rumpled form into his arms.

"Whoa, hey, I'm not gonna do anything! I just wanna get you someplace warm and dry. Even hobos have the sense to get out of this weather, ya got me? So stop shakin' like that!"

He wondered briefly if she'd somehow swallowed a vibrator. It hadn't seemed possible at first, but her shuddering had increased at the moment he’d mentioned home.

"What, you wanna freeze t'death?"

Slowly, in a movement so tiny it was barely perceptible, the drenched head nodded.

He was silent a moment, absorbing this new information.

"…well, I don't wanna see you die. That good enough for ya?"

After a long moment's hesitation, that barely perceptible nod came again.

"Alright. I'm just gonna take you home then."


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79 Reviews


Points: 1701
Reviews: 79

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Wed Sep 22, 2021 11:21 pm
AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!

Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions :) I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!

this was quite an interesting read. it was well written and I applaud you for that! it seems strange to me that someone, trying to. help the homeless would use this as their approach:

"Hey. So. I'm assuming you have no place to go. So, uh. I'm just gonna pick you up. Ok? I'm gonna carry you to my place."

He moved as he spoke, stooping to awkwardly shift the rumpled form into his arms.

"Whoa, hey, I'm not gonna do anything! I just wanna get you someplace warm and dry. Even hobos have the sense to get out of this weather, ya got me? So stop shakin' like that!"

besides that it was interesting, but I wish there was a bit more connection to the characters. but for being such a short piece it was awesome!

Ellie- Mae




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1464 Reviews


Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

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Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:46 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



FIREHEARTEDKARATEPUUUUP!

So I totes saw your link on your wall. Then I saw the link in the reply in the link on your wall. And I was like, omg. I should read that link in the reply in the link on your wall for maximum impact.

So I did!

So I totes like where this is going. (Can I start another paragraph with the word "so"? Betchu a review I can!) Strangely enough, I liked the simplicity of this a lot. At first glance, I wasn't sure, but it worked out so well. As I was reading it, I was paying attention just to solve the mystery of your setting. Somehow, you totes tied that in nicely with your dialogue.

Unfortunately, I found it very odd for a man to walk up and say, "Hey, I'm gonna pick you up now! 8D" Even if it was in his nature to help homeless people, I think his technique at approaching them would be much more... reasonable. xD

I don't know what the possibility would be in giving some description for the sake of characters. All I have is that the chick was trembling and the guy's a compassionate creeper. xD I think there's more to it. Though maybe it's as simple as it seems! The girl's homeless and the guy wants to help. Would getting us more in the character's head harm the style? I don't really feel like I'm in this world at all. Just that I'm being told the simplest form of this story, like a quick bedtime story without the seemingly unnecessary details.

Thirdly, I wonder at the girl's reaction and position. Why is she sitting in the rain and not in a cardboard box? Description of her appearance/state could give us a hint as to what her story might be -- or at least tell us she has a story that will be explained later. I dunno. It seems like you have a certain style that I don't want to screw with too badly!

So (HA. It's okay, you don't have to give me a review.) I'm gonna go read the second part because I can and because I'm interested. I'll see you on the other side. 8D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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124 Reviews


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Reviews: 124

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Fri Mar 02, 2012 3:44 am
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PatriciaTina wrote a review...



Hmmm, now what can I really say about this other than that I really, really liked it. It pulls me in and makes me want more, makes me need more.

It is a bit odd that this guy would just pick up a girl off the street though. I mean, how many people would actually do that. Not that this is a bad thing or anything at all, but it's something that I hope will be explored in the next installments. Who is this guy, and why does he pick her up?

Lastly, I'd just like to point out one piece of description that I really enjoyed:

He wondered briefly if she'd somehow swallowed a vibrator.


Love it. :D

Other than that, I can't really find anything else to comment on. Great job so far, and I look forward to reading your next installment.

~ Patricia Tina





I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage