Walking on the serene streets,
I suddenly heard the screaming of the birds,
The wind blowing cold,
Frightened and scared stands the old.
I heard a guttural boom,
And a scream of doom,
Obscure about the situation i stand,
And felt the ruthless movement of the land,
As i saw many needed in hand.
Looked at the direction of the white lad,
And felt sad,
For my environment looked bad.
I saw the flood of junk from the ocean bed,
And so ushered the boy to my shed.
With a constancy i held the boy,
As we sat in the shed fatigue, and with no joy.
Savored my last breath to live,
Till i heard a ghastly drone of death.
I gloated dubiously at the boy,
And wondered, he was whose pride and joy.
Trepidation was shown on his face,
As the water reached for innocuously,
As we went through each pace.
Was our mother not having petty on us ,
Now or ever?
As the oppressive wave hit, I lay,
With a pang in my body I stay.
"where is the boy?"
My eyes rampaged the allies,
But only saw carcasses around me.
My fretting heart,
Beating only for the lonely soul at start.
And saw no one live,
But I had nothing to give.
No one near me,
No one to help me,
And i'm left lonely.
As i lay with a less hopeless state.
Where i look at thee.
As i'm left solitary.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello I'm SweetMoments and I'm here to review!
It might just be me but seemed more a story than a poem. But, being a poem you should still capitalize your I's and break it into stanzas so it is easier to read for us reviewers.
In poems at lot of showing is used to convey a message and not telling which it seems you are using quite a bit of. You could check the writing tips forum for some advice with that well, it's not really telling your doing it;s just kind of, not fleshed out?
Just a bit of touching up and it'll be great.
quote="fireflight14"]Walking on the serene streets,
I suddenly heard the screaming of the birds,
The wind blowing cold,
Frightened and scared stands the old.
I heard a guttural boom,
And a scream of doom, #FF0000 ">I like these two lines...
Obscure about the situation #FF0000 ">i stand, #FF0000 ">Make sure to capitalize!
And felt the ruthless movement of the land,
As #FF0000 ">i saw many needed in hand.
Looked at the direction of the white lad,
And felt sad,
For my environment looked bad.
I saw the flood of junk from the ocean bed,
And so ushered the boy to my shed.
With a constancy #FF0000 ">i held the boy,
As we sat in the #FF0000 ">shed fatigue, and with no joy. #FF0000 ">This phrase is confusing.
Savored my last breath to live,
Till #FF0000 ">i heard a ghastly drone of death.
I gloated dubiously at the boy,
And wondered, he was whose pride and joy.
Trepidation was shown on his face,
As the water reached for innocuously,
As we went through each pace.
Was our mother not having petty on us ,
Now or ever?
As the oppressive wave hit, I lay,
With a pang in my body I stay.
"where is the boy?"
My eyes rampaged the allies,
But only saw carcasses around me.
My fretting heart,
Beating only for the lonely soul at start.
And saw no one live,
But I had nothing to give.
No one near me,
No one to help me,
And #FF0000 ">i'm left lonely.
As #FF0000 ">i lay with a less hopeless state.
Where #FF0000 ">i look at thee.
As #FF0000 ">i'm left solitary.[/quote]
Well, this was a pretty decent poem. As you can see, I have highlighted a few parts in it that needed fixing, but once that is done, your poem should be good to go.
-TSM