A/N: Please don't bash me for starting in the middle. This is the same story as Mia, but I want to get on with it.
While Kalen brings Mia's sweater, I slide Tom's hand off her tail.
Too much petting for one day- and being touched by a boy, that's her trouble.
"Su-- I mean, Kitty?"
"Sh. Have you ever seen a cat cornered? That's what she feels like, Tom."
His eyes-- brown so dark it's almost black-- turn on me. He mouths, Tell me more.
"I know about these things; I'm a jaguar."
"J-jag-?"
Now three pairs of eyes are on me, not just one. I fidget with my lap cushion.
"Why haven't either of us smelled you out?" demands Kalen.
"For starters, I'm only eight. If either of you smelled cat on me, you'd think I was feeding strays."
"But, a jaguar-"
"Let me finish. Just like you, Kalen, have a lioness's build, I have a jaguar's stealth. It doesn't hurt that I have very
few scent glands."
I can tell they're listening.
"When I... use the bathroom, I also leave my scent. Mia and Kalen do too;
you just don't notice it. And besides, I knew what you both were the
moment I met you."
Tom asks, "If you did, why hide what you were till now? I don't get it."
"Would you, a human, believe me without first seeing Kalen's size
and Mia's tail?"
Reminded, Mia tries to curl it around her waist. She's too weak, though.
"Remarkable. Three girls, but why no men? If there are others like you-
there have to be- then you'd have to have mates, right?"
Now there's a narrow-minded male for you.
I snort. "How should I know? Filly's tired and wants to eat; let's leave her alone."
With a few embarrassed looks, the two of them exit the room.
"Thanks, Kitty."
I smile. "Want some company? Like I said, I'm eight. I've seen girls with nothing on."
"Right." She lies stomach down on her bed. "My tail thinks it's a pillowcase full of bricks."
I wheel over to her side. "Can you help me up there?"
In a minute I'm sitting with her on the cot. This close, she smells of tiredness
and reaction to Tom. What was he thinking?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
"Kitty, when'd you first know? About your being..."
"Hm. We should have a name for ourselves. I was two and a half."
"Five."
"OK. You know, you really are beautiful, Mia." That makes her sit up.
"No, don't. I'll grab your plate." When that's done, she sighs and attacks her food.
I go to work on her back muscles. She's taken a lot of beatings in her life; I don't like to think what shape her privates are in.
"Ahh. I wonder, are there any fox people? Badgers, or bats even?"
"Dunno. I knew an otter boy once." I keep up the massage, still talking.
"You've got some extra muscles around your butt to control the tail."
She giggles.
"Yeah, laugh. But you've gotta work them if you want to you your tail again."
I've gone so far; now for the dreaded private parts. "Turn over, Filly."
Mia knows what I'm doing. She turns on her left side.
"Lordy. You've got some scars here, 'round your-- where ya pee."
I start to work on it, shutting my eyes.
"Oh, that's so nice. I hate to bother you..."
"No. We're all of us cats, so don't ever say that. Tom's a jerk for wanting to pet you; I should've stopped him."
I rub her down, talking all the while. What we talk about isn't
writing material, even in her journal.
Thank you, Cap'n.
This is very different... not bad... just different.
I'd like to say I know what's going on, but I have no clue. Is the main character actually a jaguar? Where is the setting? Who are these things? Is your story not worth any explanation or description?
You say you start in the middle, but I'm not sure of what you start in the middle.
To fix this, I would make it a little more descriptive. If this is meant to be a children's book with pictures to describe everything, fine, but say that above where you told people not to 'bash' you. If not, they what to they look like? This is in first person, so you can easily describe the two other characters who aren't telling the story.
Remember: starting in the middle of a character's life is fine, but we need insight. We need to know what is going on. Here, I can't find a plot or a scene or anything.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me. I feel like you have some creative potential, just take a while, read some books or short stories, and learn how to write them down in the correct manner.
Classy