“Well, this is it,” Keona muttered. A soft yap of agreement sounded at her heel. She smiled, which did much to lighten her travel-stained face. Tired hazel eyes reread the sign swinging gently in front of her: The Lazy Dog. Wonderful, she thought,
The door opened at her hesitant touch. Inside a surprisingly young innkeeper was leaning over the counter, telling a joke to a patron. He saw her, straightened, and raised one hand with fingers spread.
“Good evening. I’m after a room for two.” Keona’s voice was only a little rough from lack of use.
“Two?” The ‘keeper’s face seemed acquainted with laughter; a smile was teasing at his almost-handsome face. “Two. Is the other on her way here? What name should I give?”
“She’s here.” Another yap made itself heard. The guest craned their necks to see a silver vixen examining them all.
She gave them a proud but nervous stare from white-rimmed eyes.
One of the men spoke up. “Matrim,” he said, “will that beast give us trouble?” He was heavily built, and had a bass voice that commanded attention.
“No,” the young man replied and stepped from behind the counter. “Miss Wanderer, and your small friend,
welcome to my house.”
He has good manners for a civilized man. Some of the tension left her shoulders; she slipped off her pack with the ease of one used to the road. Her hands fell to her sides.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is a cool little opening to this scene here. It seems we've got someone just coming into a place where they offer these rooms of some sort for some reason and we've also got some potentially hidden connections happening here because as you read you get the sense that perhaps these people know each other somewhat on a level more than what seems apparent at first. It all comes together to create an opening here that does actually pull us readers in pretty neatly, so on the whole, this is going along quite well I think.
Hmm, well the mystery continues here and this piece also feels somewhat strangely like the scene isn't quite to its end either which is normally an issue for a piece but here I'm just now super curious to see what could come next here...and I really want to know how this continues here. Its a very small piece but it really seems to draw you in and there just seems to be so much more to this particular story that what we see here in these few words and that really is quite something.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
For my reviews, look to my signature for a sort-of Key.
I really liked this, and I think you should make it longer. I was drawn in right away. I hope to read more of this.
LB
The first thing I noticed was that this was really quite short; next, that it ended a bit abruptly. I think you could really expand this a bit more. Right now, it feels like you cut off just as something was about to happen (the innkeeper leading her to her room), rather than at a natural pause in the action.
I noticed as I read this that you relied heavily on adverbs and adjectives. Don't. Adverbs and adjectives are very useful descriptors, but using too many of them weakens your writing, and you have used a lot of adverbs and common adjectives in this short piece. Instead, I suggest you find other words that are more descriptive and specific. For example, "She smiled, which did much to lighten her travel-stained face." How exactly did the smile lighten her face? How is her face marked from traveling? Being a bit more specific here would add a lot to the writing, I feel, since you could also take the opportunity to weave in some description about her facial features and thus give your readers a clearer picture of what this character looks like.
I noticed a couple of punctuation mistakes (like a comma instead of a period), but I'm sure you'll catch them yourself upon a closer read-through.
Overall, this wasn't bad, but I definitely think it could be better (and longer :P).
Today I need to review so here I go. Over all this is a quality piece of writing, it shall be interesting to see how you develops the stori. Now to nit-pick:
And that is about it.
I think that "Keona’s voice was a little rough from lack of use."
Sounds better than "Keona’s voice was #FF0000 ">only a little rough from lack of use" as the sentace flows better without it.
As for a title, how about "Miss Wanderer"?