Beautiful, especially the imagery. There was some dodgy line breakage, but overall I really liked it. Nice work.
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There you are, in your red shirt,
under the fire-berry sun of summers gone.
The pixeled silence of photography mocks
the moments we spent over water chestnuts,
the laughter of gold and silver groves, where
the trees split like roasted salmon, where I burned
in your palm like star-crossed campfires.
And you were with me when the foliage split,
when the saltwater wind layered on my teeth.
I could feel you taste it with me.
In your absence, there was a man who dressed himself
in leather from the cold backs of nocturnal amphibians.
We left on his ship of watermelon rinds,
and he called me his darling, his pearl.
One night on the sea, I woke to feel the embers of your fingers
blistering on my hand, and I used them to burn
out the eyes of the watermelon sailor before I swam away.
And you were with me when I melted through
the iceberg, when I ran barefoot across the sand.
I could feel you waiting for me.
Your mother was tending the water chestnuts
in our gold and silver grove, and she cried as I told her
of the watermelon sailor, and my eyes blazed
as she told me of your windy sojourn
across the ocean. She gave me the picture of you
in your red shirt under the fire-berry sun,
and I exploded out of our grove and flew
beyond the volcanoes that burn under the sea, onto
our crossed stars that will keep me until you return.
I can feel you. I can still feel you.
Beautiful, especially the imagery. There was some dodgy line breakage, but overall I really liked it. Nice work.
Overall I liked this. In the first stanza, you probably meant to put a period at the end where you put a comma. I agree with Chanson about that one line. I also don't care for the stanza breakage in the last few stanzas, but I can't think of any way to fix it short of making it one big stanza. Keep writing!
Also I don't believe I ever got around to giving you your gift. So here you go: mas_wink: mas_happy: mas_cool: mas_evil: :dreidel: :menorah: :frosty: :thumb: =D> #-o =P~ :^o [-X [-o< 8-[ [-( :-k ](*,) :whistle: O:) =; :sick: {|= :-$ :-s \:D/ :-# :hearts_eyes: :love: :lots_hearts:
this was very beautiful. i'm sure you know that because you wrote it and if you write something liek this, you have to know. the images were gorgeous. i could see them too, even the abstract ones.
the only part i didn't like: cold backs of nocturnal amphibians.
not everything needs a perfect image. some things just need to be said without the embellishment, you know?
Points: 890
Reviews: 321
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