since this was such a great read, I thought I owed a proper crit...I hope its not to hard to read.
z
the non-tabbing-formatting-lackofoption is killer in this.
regardless.
thanks for reading
If my blue-colored girlfriend told me today
that you had died,
I would paint my nails red for your funeral.
Red.
Red like my cherry-flavored lips
that turned the color of bloodlessness
in the cold of your bedroom.
You were a man.
You ate your meat rare.
You fought with fiery tools of war.
If you died, your men would not grieve.
For they, too, are men.
my woman
was born with blue hands
blue
like the wide-open sea
like the warmer flame who coaxed the blood
back into my frozen lips
a woman who ebbs
and flows
and melts
and freezes again
You consumed.
You will consume yourself.
Like a point-blank shootout.
When you ran your fingers down my back, I bled.
when she runs her fingers down my back, i shiver
since this was such a great read, I thought I owed a proper crit...I hope its not to hard to read.
I know it's nothing new to say, but I'm confused.
I like the color contrasts. And I keep thinking that there's something in this and it's just not clicking, so I've reread this like 10 times. But every time I get to end, nothing has clicked yet. I think I keep expecting you to somehow tell me how the the "you" and the "she" are linked, but you never do.
I'd like to describe this poem as being more abstract than anything.
"When you ran your fingers down my back, I bled.
when she runs her fingers down my back, i shiver"
I think you should switch the two around. More impacting.
As for the rest of the poem, as it was said numerous times before, it was confusing. However, it was the kind of confusing like, feeling like you're coming into something that was already happening. For instance in all of those teen novels you see at Borders where they just slap the most random poems in the middle of the book...for some reason they seem to make since there....
I don't think I'm making any sense here, but I'm trying.
Hm.... this is interseting and I liked your color stanzas and the contrast made between them. Your last two lines were pretty good even though this was quite confusing. This was very awkward and could use some explanation, but it wasn't bad
I understood it
but I also didn't
I did, however, like how you said RED then immediately jumped into stuff about red...
that part was awesome.
I can't hear it in my head, therefore I also cannot understand it. However, I'll read it aloud a few times and do my best to decifer it.
I didn't especially get that as much, Nate...however, it was kind of awkward. Cool though.
But could you distinguish 'you' and 'she' better?
Maybe it's because the formatting changed when submitting this, but I didn't get this poem; it was confusing and oddly worded. It seems that the poem jumps around from place to place and just winds up feeling very awkward and disjointed.
Points: 8846
Reviews: 531
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