Young Writers Society

Hello! I'm here for a quick poetry review.

I am broken.

I am shattered pieces on the floor.

I am picking myself up bit by bit, rebuilding myself better again.

For a start to a poem, this doesn't really work for me personally. It doesn't feel new or original, although it doesn't necessarily have to be, but it definitely feels like I've read this before. This could be made into its own solid, separate work its imagery was expanded upon--especially the emotional aspect of the poem. The idea feels generic, but it could honestly go a lot further. What aspect is broken? How is the narrator broken? What could the brokenness be tied to in order to give it clearer imagery? "[R]ebuilding myself better again", what is the narrator rebuilding themself to be? 'Better' isn't a specific statement. It doesn't evoke any emotions, any pictures. It just gives vague feeling that could be so much more.

After that, the subject of the poem moves to cigarettes and nicotine, but it still remains on the same stanza. I would suggest breaking those two lines up, although that does lend to a stylistic problem to where the stanzas look misshapen. (However, I think if the previous three are expanded upon, then the stanzas looking all over the place and wild wouldn't be an issue.)

filled with deviousness,

This line feels out of place. I would add other descriptors, again, perhaps expand on that setting and the relationship with the ex-boyfriend. It's a general descriptor I feel as if the imagery should help set the mood for the poem, not just give a vague sense of what it should be.

I am filled with just as much;

-self-Hate

-self-Destruction

-chaos

Capitalization does make a meaningful impact there, but I do wish that "chaos" also followed along with the emerging pattern. Self-Hate, self-destruction, then we have our little buddy named "chaos" who fits in with the general theme, but breaks out of the style. Perhaps "self-chaos"? Although, it sounds awkward. Maybe, instead of self, everything should be changed to the word "inner". The list would go: inner-Hate, inner-Destruction, inner-Chaos, thus fitting with the pattern. (Replace the word "inner" with "internal" if you wish, however the syllables might get out of hand.)

and a child with apologetic eyes standing over it,

Child abuse? This lends me to think that something happened in the narrator's childhood, though since the setting of the poem jumps from one thing to the next, adding the line with the child feels out of place. Again, I think expanding on the descriptors and the emotional impact of the poem would help with that a lot.

The last line is interesting style-wise, but I don't really have anything clear to say about it. It looks interesting (and it forces me to drag out the word "sorry") and it does serve a purpose, however it just looks a little bit off. But I do understand why it doesn't look uniform. It just saying "sorry" without the spaces isn't as memorable.

I hope this helps somewhat! I do hope that you'll keep on writing. If you have any questions/comments/thoughts, then feel free to reply to me and I will try to explain myself better.

Once again, keep on writing!

-Castor

Hey there, Mem here for a review on your poem!

I saw you said that you needed help with poetry and though I'm probably not that great at it myself I wanted to see if I could help you in anyway.

There is a trick to formatting here on YWS I'll put the link to the threat post below to help you out <3 (don't worry I have the same issue with formatting):
How to Format Poetry

When I was reading through I usually make a rule to read it three times, first to skim and see if I can spots right away, the second time to get a firm grip on what you're saying in the poem and the third just to make sure I got everything on the first and second reads.

One thing that stood out to me immediately was the imagery or lack there of. You need to make your reader see what you're talking about in their minds eye. This doesnt do it for me sorry to say, Just add a little more imagery love you're doing good otherwise.

Another thing that I noticed was the ending....

S O R R Y

I didn't really get why you did this like this, it doesn't add anything. You here have an emotionless poem with no imagery and at the end I feel like the spelling out of the word sorry is a bit condesending. You need to have an emotion or batch of emotions be constant throughout the poem for this to work.

You have a fantastic idea here, and I think with a little more editing and polishing up you can make this a really beautiful poem dear.

Hope this helps and encourages you to continue writing poetry.

~Mem