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This was fantastic. Your writing style is captivating. You have a solid grasp of the English language. What I found most impressive about this piece is how smoothly the story flowed, the ease with which the sentences flowed. Good sentence structure is crucial for telling a good story and you have that skill locked down pretty tight. I appreciated the pacing of the story, you did a great job with that.

There were no obvious problems I could pick out in this piece. All I can say is hurry up and publish this.

This was fantastic. Your writing style is captivating. You have a solid grasp of the English language. What I found most impressive about this piece is how smoothly the story flowed, the ease with which the sentences flowed. Good sentence structure is crucial for telling a good story and you have that skill locked down pretty tight. I appreciated the pacing of the story, you did a great job with that.

There were no obvious problems I could pick out in this piece. All I can say is hurry up and publish this.

I really enjoyed this chapter – it was wonderfully written and as Roundsquare already mentioned, you have an excellent grasp of the English language – not to mention a wonderful writing style. I don’t have very many criticisms, but here goes:

“Sticks crunched under foot” – This would probably read better if you used the word “underfoot” instead of “under foot.”

Alexis didn’t seem very surprised by the wolf’s appearance. Wouldn’t she be more scared? After all, you said later that Alexis couldn’t tell if it was friendly or not, or whether it was an actual wolf – if it’s potentially dangerous, I’d have thought Alexis would have been concerned. Also, she might be a bit more startled by Daine’s sudden appearance – I’d definitely have jumped out of my skin if all my attention had been focused on the wolf!

“Bad ass” should probably be “badass.” “ok” should probably be “OK” but that might be me being picky.

“Hey,” he caught my wrist gently in his warm hand. Since the action (catching her wrist) isn’t part of Daine’s speech, you should put a full stop / period after the “hey”:

“Hey.” He caught my wrist gently…

I especially liked this little turn of phrase here:

“His body seemed to fit against mine in the cool forest air like a melted marshmallow fit squished between two biscuits and a bit of Hershey’s chocolate.” It was amusing, and it was definitely an original simile. However, I’m not completely sure what a “marshmallow fit” is?

The other thing that surprised me was the “meteor shower.” As I haven’t read the original story, I don’t know how used the characters are to crazy things happening, but they didn’t seem very surprised. It was definitely intriguing, and I could picture it pretty well, but since you’re using phrases like “balls of fire” and “smashed” you’re obviously going for a dramatic impact. That’s somewhat lessened by the fact that nobody seems to really care that much – there isn’t even so much as a stunned silence after it’s over.

“Vivi trailed after them, leaving only Raven and I.” This is definitely me being picky, but grammatically speaking, this is incorrect. It should be “Raven and me.”

I really loved your last paragraph – you have such a professional way of writing! Your chapters are definitely an ideal length for reading and reviewing, and I really enjoy reading them. Please upload more – this is one of my favourite stories at the moment, and if the previous story is on here I’ll definitely go and check it out!

This was fantastic. Your writing style is captivating. You have a solid grasp of the English language. What I found most impressive about this piece is how smoothly the story flowed, the ease with which the sentences flowed. Good sentence structure is crucial for telling a good story and you have that skill locked down pretty tight. I appreciated the pacing of the story, you did a great job with that.

There were no obvious problems I could pick out this. All I can say is hurry up and publish this.

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