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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty here to review chapter 2!
I thought this was a really good and important chapter. It was great how it went into their back story a bit and it showed how Daine and Alexis felt about each other which we didn't know in chapter one. The character development was awesome (I'm a huge fan of character development) and I really got a more in-depth feel about Alexis, Daine, Vivi and Raven. Now, onto a couple nitpicks...
I still didn't really find much to touch on so this section will be pretty short.
practicing not practising
I felt like this was a bit abrupt. Just adding something like "After a moment, he led me..." would make it feel a little smoother.
Ok, that's it for the nitpicks.
I'm really enjoying your story and I'm going to try to stick with the chapters you post. I really like your writing style, which I don't mention often in my reviews. I can picture everything pretty clearly and again, your descriptions are very nicely written. So, nice job! I will try to read chapter 3 tomorrow. Have a nice day!
-Lefty
P.S. Your username is awesome. I really like it.
I actually don’t have a huge amount of feedback on this chapter. It was really well-written, and I liked Alexis’s voice, and all her thoughts. It was effective, added some humour, and wasn’t overdone.
There were a few minor errors which I noticed while I was reading, so I may as well point them out:
“stepping back too look up at him” should be “stepping back TO look up at him.”
“Since when!” should be “Since when?” since it’s a question. Or, you could write it like this: “Since when?!” if you wanted to really communicate Shayne’s shock.
I also saw a couple of really tiny errors (if you can even call them that; I think they were more areas for potential improvement) such as:
“I took a timid step toward him, and he to me.” Should that be “him to me” or possibly even “and he took a timid step toward me?” It might be just me, but it didn’t seem to read quite right.
“…swaying side to side slightly.” This isn’t an error, but I was thinking it might be better if you altered the wording to “swaying slightly from side to side.”
A slightly bigger issue I had with the story is the kiss. Alexis has just kissed Daine, presumably for the first time. Yet Daine doesn’t seem at all surprised, and Alexis doesn’t seem at all awkward or embarrassed when she’s rejected (which seems a bit unrealistic) The kiss scene was also a bit too brief – it would be very easy to miss if the reader was a bit distracted. There’s also no mention of it after she kisses him – like Daine’s forgotten all about it. It also seems a bit strange that after Alexis has kissed Daine, he’s very quick to accept that she’s “OK” with him and Raven having a relationship.
Apart from that, I felt quite sorry for Alexis, and by the end of the chapter I could really see her turmoil at everything having changed. I don’t know the full circumstances of the rehab, or of Daine hitting Alexis, but I was a little surprised she was so quick to forgive him (and even kiss him…) It did make her seem a bit masochistic, but again, I haven’t read the first book so my point may be utterly invalid, I don’t know.
However, I really liked it, and I’ll read and review any future chapters!
Thanks so much for the reviews! They're quite helpful and I enjoy reading them, they make me giggle, especially when you said Alexis seems masochistic... It makes me wonder xD