Published March 18, 2010
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Watch the grammar that wasn't very good and it distracts from the flow of the poem its like going on and on even though there is a natural pause such as a comma in the words
and the only way to pause the poem
is to change lines it is easy to misunderstand a poet anyway you don't need to add to that
So watch the punctuation. As you see above, anything, even poetry, is hard to understand without an occasional comma.
Otherwise, great poem. Fairly powerful, I would suggest playing up the sense of being trapped before finally releasing in the last bit.
I like it overall: it's a nice story, concise and conveying the message without drifting off or getting lost in a tangent.
A couple nitpicks: I think the 'in to numbness' should be 'into numbness'. Also, the last two lines are a bit heavy toward the end: perhaps adding a comma or breaking them down into two smaller components might make them flow a little more smoothly?
I really like it though. It's pretty powerful emotionally, and it's certainly an issue that can touch a lot of people.
Thank you all for the reviews.
What can I say about this? I don't want to go into detail about what you should or shouldn't do with this, because it seems so real, and true to life. It's a rare thing to see on here, at least for me. I applaud you on that.
With that in mind, I just want to say that you should use some commas in your work, particularly the second half. It would improve this already great poem a lot.
Otherwise, I think you did a wonderful job taking a sad story and telling it well, but also keeping it short. Sometimes you find that people just dump on detail after excruciating detail, but you didn't do that. Good work.
If you have any questions or would like another review, please feel free to ask! I'm always glad to help.
-Knightley
Hey there
I thought that you're poem was seriously good!
I agree with Jasmine, the first line was extremely powerful, and it did make me want to read on. I also agree though on the fact that the second half of the poem, is a bit weaker compare to the beginning. Personally, I don't think that the fact that the second half describes the emotion and feelings, is really the problem. I'm not really sure what it is though, there's just something missing. It's not a big something though.
I thought that these were really good opening lines. It gives the feeling that the person has given up, but then it has a hint of sarcasm in it, which I love! I don't know if that was the message you wanted to put across, but still, it's really good!
Overall, your poem is seriously good. The grammar seems perfect, and even though ti's a short poem, it's an extremely effective one. All you need to do is look over the second half again, and see if you can improve it in any way.
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Hi,
The first line was powerful and made the reader want to read on.
"Thrusting you in to numbness it runs through your veins" is great.
I think the poem is weaker in the second half as it's centered too much on what the speaker feels. I think instead I'd look at how the speaker acts and suggest the difficulty of his or her position through that rather than through abstract lines such as;
"My knowledge is tainted and my soul is ravaged."
Hope this helps.
Jas
that was deep, very deep; you are good.