In cold blood
We saw them coming, two socials across the park.
Intent on vengeance, their mouths spew poisonous accusation's,
we are too close to avoid confrontation.
Johnny's fear quickly turns into hysteria as a callused hand wraps it's self around my neck.
Johnny evolved into something savage as memories of past beatings flooded his mind.
Anger, adrenaline and loathing an explosive brew channeled into a sharp switchblade.
My attackers fall sticky, crimson blood flowing.
Fixed glassy eyes stare up at me,
I let out a scream.
Quiet Johnny my best friend, the gangs pet.
Murdered two socials in cold blood.
This is baised on the book "Outsiders." Hopefully I am getting better at poetry. Have a great day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
PM me if you write more poetry.
Thank you all for the reviews. I called them socials instead of socs because I didn't want to confuse anyone. Thank you for the punctuation tips if I turn this in to my English teacher I will implement those changes. Have a great night Fiction.
Hey there!
What a lovely and gripping way to start!
It's so powerful and captivating it really made my day in terms of poetry, so well done. There's the odd bit of punctuation and line tidy up that's been mentioned that I second all of the way and my own personal nitpick is that its not quite experimental enough. Let's have some proper wacky line lengths so this can look truly, truly original.
Keep up the wonders,
Ben
Oh my goodness! I love 'The Outsiders'! As for your poem itself, it was very good. However, they calls them "socs", not "socials", even thought that's what "socials" stands for. However, if you did that to even out the meter, that's fine. Now, you had some technichal errors, and I fixed them in red. An asterisk means I took something out.
Alrighty! That's I I could find. However, If you want to be accurate, he only killed on Soc.
Anyway, nice job!
--Dreamy
i dont know either about the book nor abt the tragedy....but nice the way u explained evrything.....in the space of last few sentences...howevr, do concontrate on ur spellings n ur tenses...improve on them......
Really well done. I loved the way you explained everything and progressed through into a firm point!
LOVE IT!
Great job!
At first I didn't understand your poem until I got to the end and realized that you were talking about 'The Outsiders'.
I loved this description
This took me awhile to figure out what you were saying, but when I finally made the connection I got it. (I'm one of those weird people that enjoys getting confused)
This is a excellent description of getting choked. I like how you put 'callused' in, because most people wouldn't care to much for describing hands. XD
Putting evolved into something savage was a good choice as well, I always hate when people put 'turn into. . .' (I always do that)
But my favorite part is. . .
I love how you put 'fall sticky' to describe them dying. (Genius)
The glassy eyes part is another good way to indicate death.
Over all I like this poem (it's probably not much cause I'm horrible at poetry) but I really do like this!
~Chinchilla