Published January 22, 2012
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This poem has great potential, but the story is a little hard to discern. If the story is about a girl and a boy (which I'm pretty sure it is from reading it), describe the girl as less of a sparkle and more of a person. That should clarify things.
As for punctuation (maybe I'm not the best person to ask), but I see that you put punctuation at the end of some of your lines,but not others. It's an artistic choice, but maybe pick one or the other.
Speaking of artistic choices, I'm not sure I like the word "spastic" as it relates to the mood of the poem, but feel free to ignore that if you feel differently.
Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! I really don't understand the gist of this poem. Is it about a boy who likes a girl who likes a different boy? I just... I don't feel anything when I read this. Also, you go from having very short lines to very long lines; try to even that out. I am sorry this is so short. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany