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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
XD. Ok, I'm not really *qualifyed* to reply to this, but I just randomly came across it. Obviously, you like big names! Don't expect any constructive criticism from me: I couldn't find anything to critisise! Lucrezia is definately a lot better than Ormaldiria, or whatever it used to be. You've also linked the reference to the enchanter in the text to the title. I particularily like the last paragraph, you can really feel Gair's emotions.
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I know this probably doesn't help, but here are my reasons for a couple of the things you've picked up on: first, you're right, but the one predominant characteristic of this woman is that she is beautiful, and also that nothing shines through from the inside of her personality. The 'it' was difficult, because if I say 'she' it sounds like I'm referring to the mother; anyway, their relationship is a bit odd and it's set in a different place with different values where children (especially girls) don't have much importance. And, really unhelpful, yes, I do have huge lungs.
Never mind that, thanks so much for commenting and, since you're probably right, I'll have a look at all those things. One thing I've definitely taken on board is the hook thing, which I'll work on when I remember to. Great to finally have some constructive critiscism!
Hey, Rena here.
I don't have anything in regards of grammar or anything like that, more as interest. This was fairly interesting, I give you that. It makes me wonder what comes next. But then I think, 'what in the world is this about?' Maybe it's just me but it doesn't really tell what the story is truly about. Also, the hook wasn't really all that appealing. It didn't snatch my interest and hold it there. I had to almost force myself to go ahead and read it. Not to say that it was torture to get through the first paragraph. It just simply wasn't as great as it could have been. Try working a little on that hook(:
Bottom line, it was a good prologue.
-Rena.
Hello! It's Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I'm not sure about the punctuation, but this does seem a bit off here. Maybe that's just me, but it seems very broken up by the commas.
I'll believe that, but also think for a moment what a woman who just gave birth really looks like, hair plastered to a sweaty screwed up face and all. Not pretty. Why not mention that and show how this beauty shines through it?
He loves her so much he calls her an "it"? Oh, that's fatherly
Okay...
II. RUN-ON SENTENCES
You write very well, but your sentences are kind of long. Like the first one. Remember the first line should grip us, should drag us in, and though yours is pretty, it doesn't really serve that purpose. Don't be afraid to break your sentences up. It'll make things easier to follow for us, too many clauses and the simple reader like me goes "wha'?" Just read over it. Here's a good idea, say it under your breath, anything you find yourself gasping for breath in the middle of is too long. (Of course, now I bet you're an opera singer or a deep sea diver or someone else with really big lungs.) Just try it though
III. OVERALL
I like this. I wondered where it was going, but your last paragraph wraps it up nicely. This is well-written- good job!
Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I really like the suspense you're building up. But I think that you could possibly have written the hook better too. Did you even really need a prolouge? Was it necessary? Maybe it would be better if one of the children are going to be the main character, they could have flashbacks. I'm really excited to read the next parts. Inform me when more come out!
Hello. This seems like it will be very interesting, but I think you need a better hook. Your opening paragraph didn't draw me in very well. Your descriptions are lovely and I didn't see any spelling/grammatical/etc. errors! *claps* I was surprised to see that you were writing in the 2nd person. That is very difficult for me to do, but you seem to write in 2nd person with ease. Just be careful. It is very easy to accidentally switch tenses.
Good work. I will definitely be reading more.
Sasha