Published April 4, 2010
her voice so serene
her face elegant beyond mere words
and yet she is so far away
beyond my grasp
or any mortal man's reach
and yet she has the grace
of a fairy queen
tolerating us clumsy mortals,
never berating
always kind
her essence
mind-consuming,
her laugh
like a sweet summer dew,
her words
like honeyed wine
and us men her bees,
tirelessly working
upon her every whim,
attempting to capture
the beating fist of her essence
that lies within her chest,
yet none seem able
to woo
this fairy queen
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141,611 Literary Works • 675,149 Reviews
Over all I found it enjoyable. I do agree with perdido on word choice, but I don't believe you need to knock it down. I suggest combining lines. The breaks seem unnatural and choppy. Also, the addition of creatrive punctuation can also help with suck a problem.
Other than that I the theme and the emotional content. Just reread it and improve on word choice and flow. Send me a message if you revise it and I'd gladly take another look for you.
Ciao, SunSetWest
I just saw a masque called The Fairy Queen... a semi-opera. It was four hours long... it was 1/3 shakespeare, 1/3 opera, and 1/3 LSD Festival. Although I don't know if it is to Titania your refer, so I'll reserve judgement.
I've given this advice several times, and I'll repeat it. Condense. Every word in a poem should be intentional, deliberate. There is very little room for words that you don't need. I think this poem is completely choked by the word choice, and would benefit if you stripped it down and built it back up again. Revision, revision... read read read.