Published December 9, 2009
a field of blood
where men go to die
for a cause that never would survive
all for the glory
of a lie
told to men
so that they could die
a hero of war
yep that's what they will be
covered in blood of fallen comrades
with bullets as their symphony
and guns as their instruments
a hero of war
yep that's what they will be
filled with the pain
of a thousand deaths
of their comrades
always screaming
every time they close their eyes
a hero of war
yep that's what they will be
their names branded in gold
and their image on t.v
a hero of war
yep that's what they will be
buried with a flag
that symbolizes a lie that we must hold
and so a hero of war
yep that's what they will be
their families weeping
and holding their photo
and wishing that
their son had not
entered that field of wasted blood
a hero of war
yep that's what they were
leaving behind
a mother and child
to grow up with
the pain of no father
a hero of war
yep that's what they are
and always will be
a hero of war
yep that's what i want to be
a man alone in a field of blood
consumed with pain and agony of deaths approach
and a wasted legacy
a hero of war
is a lie
that fathers tell so that their ideals can survive
a hero of war shall never be
for their is no such thing
in a field of blood and enemies
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141,444 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
Hey! =)
I'm afraid to say that I don't like this is very much. You have some goods ideas in here and I like how you didn't rely on grammar and punctuation, but at times I felt like the poem was just calling out for some. The fact that you keep repeating 'hero of war' and 'yep that's what they will be', as well as a constant reference to a lie wore down the effect those words could have had. They beg for an answer - what is the lie? You talk about a lie forcing people into war, but people have different motives, different reasons - perhaps these should have been explored.
You're clearly drawing on the horrors of war, which is great, but it's been done and needs another twist. What imagery has no one else used, what viewpoint has no one else taken to war? The lie's good, so stick with it. And there's a certain sense of mystery about what it could be, which, contrary to what I just said, I like. But try the shock factor. You can scare us into taking a certain position - perhaps you could create one of these war heroes, kill him or her off, and then talk about who this character was. Or the other way around.
The point is that it feels - or at least in my opinion - a bit out-of-place to be so generic about soldiers when in fact you've not placed the assumptions onto any characters, if that makes sense, making the reader seem like the accusations simply aren't justified.
If you're not going to use grammar, then that's fine - but think of other ways to make the rhythm seem more original. Try some internal rhyme, alliteration - the basics. Simple as they are, they can play a massive part in keeping the poem fresh when the repetition comes along.
Interesting poem, and certainly with potential. Let me know if I can help at all. =P
Best
Blinky
Really reminded me of the song Hero of War by Rise Againest, " A hero of war, yeah that's what I'll be and when I come home they'll be damn proud of me". Could it be possible that this is where this was inspired? The poem itself is obviously expressing the sham and worthlessness of war, and how the soldiers who fight are the ones that suffer directly because of it. "Buried with a flag, That symbolizes a lie we must hold" My favorite part of the poem. Enjoyed the poem and keep up the good work!
Hello, Fell!
A few things bug me in this poem. One of them is that there is no capitalization or punctuation at all, maybe look into this some? Also, I think maybe you should get rid of the 'yep's.
The other thing that bugs me is some of the similarity in this to the song "Hero Of War" By Rise Against. For example...
And the lyrics in the Rise Against song are 'A hero of war, yeah that's what I'll be.' and another part is 'A hero of war, is that what they see?'.
Otherwise, it is a nice poem.
Best of luck and keep writing!
~Firearris
This is a really great piece. I don't like how sometimes you rhymed with "Yep, that's what they will be" and sometimes you didn't.
I also don't understand the need of the word yep in front of the line.
Maybe it's just me and my opposition to the word yep, but i think this looks much nicer.
Besides that, great job. Hope to see you and you're poetry around yws
Keep on rhyming,
THe Universe
Hi there
today has been stressful ugh!
OK so as I was reading along I really like the imagery you used and you're really appealing to peoples emotions!Over all the people before me have covered everything mostly so keep it up and practice practice!
I actually like how it's not split up into stanzas; I think adding a lot of spacing would ruin the flow of the poem.
I loved the image of "their families weeping/holding their photo". That idea makes it more real, giving the soldier a life outside of war. Then he's not just a soldier, but someone with loved ones and place to come home to.
great tribute!
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This is a nice tribute for soldiers who fight wars for other countries.
Although I wish you would do a little spacing here and there and maybe separate them into stanzas.
You can try to start the stanza from "A hero of war" then end it with the last line just before the next "A hero of war starts". It will look great, I promise.