It was a hot summer's dusk. Old Victoria's house was standing brightly in the sunset.
"Don't forget to feed the cat!" said Kathy in her always worrying voice, as she and her two sons, Eric 5, and Justin 7, left Victoria's house.
"Yeah..." Victoria slammed the door as they left. She couldn't wait to get rid of them. Her daughter, Kathy, was living a messy or, as Victoria used to say, disgusting life. Not like her mother at all, thought Victoria. Kathy always wanted more, the most out of life, no matter what the consequences were. Her two children were from different curs, and it was just a matter of time before they became slackers, like their mother. How can that dog even have the courage to slubber her home?
With these thoughts Victoria made herself a cup of tea. She, herself, wasn't that social type of person. She could live happily her remaining life without anyone disturbing her. As she became older and older, she began to praise God- afraid of death, most elderly people do so, although, she had lost her faith for a long time. But now, she's with God, she thought. She was 75.
And that cat, oh, that stupid old cat she had, it was no good, Victoria thought. She had to give it to someone, because there are no mice around the house anymore... And there are plenty of other cats that would visit her house, in case a naughty mouse would try to move in. No companion; what a wonderful world!
Victoria knew that her pet-loving neighbour would undoubtedly take the cat; the only problem now was to find it.
The next day, a sunny morning, she began calling her cat. From the loft, she heard it meowing. She grabbed a ladder, and began climbing. She felt her left knee starting to hurt, but continued climbing.
"Come here, you stupid animal!" she said with her shaking voice. But in an instant, the pain in her knee became unbearable as she had lost control over her body. This had never happened before. She tried to grab the old, wooden ladder, but it was too late; she had fallen on the ground. She couldn't move. She began crying. What a horrible way to die, she thought. She saw her tears falling on the wooden floor, and then slowly evaporating. Then, she heard the cat meowing above her head; as it jumped on the ladder, to land beside her owner safely, the ladder started sliding down, directly at Victoria's head. Then everything went black.
Victoria was surrounded by darkness. She saw a distant light, approaching, bringing warmth to a body that didn't exist. She had no body. It was just her, the inner cold, and the light, trying to break an icy surface covering her. And then the light absorbed her. It was all warmth, pleasure, she felt totally safe, protected by the stainless, true, blinding light.
A picture appeared in the distance. As it grew bigger, Victoria saw her mother, as she was speaking to her infant self; then other pictures were beginning to follow, like a slide show, one by one, each from Victoria's life, appearing just for a moment, connected to each other in a way she never thought of before. Then she saw the ladder falling, and the last picture vanished. Brightness again. Nothing more, nothing else but light.
A small figure appeared in the distance. It approached her, like a harmless child, it smiled nicely, though it was something in that smile, something weird... Victoria couldn't tell, but she began to feel uncomfortable, and she noticed the light going out from its place, leaving her with this figure.
"No!" she screamed. "I don't want to be left here! I don't know him!"
Suddenly she had a body. A free and fresh body, with no pain.
The figure gently touched her arm.
"Please release me" she said in a forced calm voice. But the figure kept smiling, refused to say anything, and the light was almost completely gone.
"I said release me!" she screamed in horror, as the light finally disappeared. She was surrounded by darkness. The figure has transformed into a red creature, ugly, without a face, it grabbed Victoria hard, as she was screaming in pain, the demon was laughing; then other creatures started to come out of nowhere, all of them laughing at Victoria touching her with their wet body parts, as she was struggling in vain; and she was on fire, everything was...
Then a scream followed, louder than anything, and Victoria opened her eyes. She was in a hospital. Kathy was crying silently in the room.
"Oh, mother!" she screamed as she saw Victoria opening her eyes. "I thought... I thought..."
"Me too" said the mother, stroking her daughter's hair.
Two months have passed; Victoria kept her pet, along with two other cats, one parrot, and four dogs; she invited Kathy and her children regularly to her home; and she praised God every day.
"You have completely changed" said Kathy one day, as they sat in the garden watching the children play.
"So did you" smiled Victoria. She has never spoken to no one about her little trip to...
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Don't get me wrong, the story was good, but it needs a lot of work.
You need to keep a firm grasp on past and present tense, even one mistake can make a good piece sound bad.
This is what I usually do but I'll explain:
When I say "Try:", try is just me taking your story and rewriting it in a way I would if it were my own piece. I don't expect you to use them, and I don't want you to use them because then it's just my words and you're not learning anything
She HAD to give it to someone because there ARE no mice
This HAD never happened before
You had a lot of small sentences which could have been made longer and more flowing, so they don't sound like a grocery list when you read them. Most were in the first few paragraphs.
The grammar problems were plentiful.
said Kathy in her always worrying voice
Never describe peoples' ages with number in literature, but this whole sentence needs to be redone. Try something like: "her five year old Eric and seven year old Justin."
Try: "was living a messy or, as Victoria used to say, disgusting life" (too many commas)
Try: "it was just a matter of time before, like their mothers, they became slackers." (keep commas, move stuff)
or - "it was just a matter of time before they became slackers like their mother." (get rid of commas)
Run on sentence. Split it into two or more.
Try: "Her left knee was starting to hurt", (Avoids using "SHE" too much and makes it flow more naturally
"shaking" voice misspelled
Try: "But in an instant, the pain in her knee became unbearable AND.." (again, just sounds more natural)
This is a run on sentence and needs a bit of cleaning up.
Try : "She could hear the cat, meowing above her head as it jumped onto the ladder and to the ground beside her owner. The ladder started sliding down, directly at Victoria's head. Then everythig went black."
Saying "It all went black" is bad because you never really said what "it all" is. YOu could be talking about the furniture, the walls, anything strange like that.
"Like if it" isn't english, try to kick the habit of using it in your writing. Also, you should make sure the reader knows that you're talking about Victoria's body, not just a "body".
Try: "She saw a light in the distance, approaching, bringing warmth to a body she could no longer see or feel."
Again, like if it.
Try: "... and the light, seemingly trying to break the icy surface she felt around herself."
Do you mean a picture, like in a frame, on the wall? "Than" should be "then". You have a big run on sentence "As it grew.......of before", try making it cleaner, go easy on the commas. Avoid using question marks in paragraphs.
Try:"An image appeared in the distance. As it grew closer, Victoria could make out that it was her mother, she appeared to be speaking to Victoria's infant self. Other pictures followed, like a slide show, each frame a scene from Victoria's life. Appearing for nothing more than a moment, the scenes were connected in ways she had not had a chance to notice until now. The last frame portrayed the ladder from moments before, it then followed suit and vanished, leaving her wondering what would come next."
I still ended with her asking the question, but didn't have to use a question mark, see?
Another run on sentence, too many commas "IT approached...weird" Also some grammer problems with "and she noticed the light going out from its place".
Try:"A small figure appeared in the distance. It approached her like a harmless child. It smiled nicely, though there was something in the smile, something weird. Victoria couldn't discern exactly what it was, but began to feel very uncomfortable. She noticed the light fading into the distance, leaving her alone with the apparition. "
Doesn't sound like something an "everyday person" would say, maybe I'm wrong depending on where you live.
Try:""No!" She screamed, "Don't leave me here, I don't know him!"
Try: "Victoria looked down, she had a body again. A fresh body, with no pain, no age."
Why: Just sounds less awkward TO ME.
You confused me here. Why a calm voice, isn't she scared? If I'm missing something, please clear it up. The "and" in the last sentence is also unnecessary, "By now" too.
Try:" "Please don't touch me" she said in a shaky voice. But the figure kept smiling, the light was almost completely gone."
Again, this doesn't sound like something someone would say naturally, I could be wrong again.
Also, I feel this is very important. This is a very vivid scene in this work, you should have taken more time to draw a picture with this. Don't rush things or they will end up BAD. Yes, I'm saying the last few paragraphs of your story are BAD, but only because I wish you'd written more.
This is my take on the last few lines of the story, it's much longer, as you can see.
The last part could also have been spread out a bit. Explain in more detail about how she got her life back on track, maybe talk about the everyday things she was starting to do, describe how she interacts with her family, friends, and pets. The way you left it is like taking a movie, having the big action scene with the car chase, helicopter chase, bomb disarming, parachute drop and dinosaur ride and then cutting to black with the words "and they lived happily every after". It leaves you with an empty feeling.
Take another shot at this. It was a good story, but it needs work. I really hope you rehash it because I'd like to see what you could make out of this.