Hey there! I'm back.
First off, is there a reason this is a prologue? Because it seems like the story itself. So unless this is a flashback or peak at the future, I'd say change it to chapter one - there are a lot of people out there that find prologues unnecessary and are put off by them.
When I think of Italy, I picture Tuscan cobblestones sweeping through bustling streets, hear delicate violin music gracing the air. I can almost smell bread baking, tomatoes roasting, can almost hear the warm Italian drawl of locals.
Today, Italy is a mess. A complete mess.
First, you don't picture music. So, change this and I think it'll read smoother.
Second, the second paragraph = win. I love it. A lot. Very hooking. It was what told me you're a good writer and compelled me to keep reading, all without getting bored (which doesn't happen every day when people ask for reviews). So, good job there. Really good job.
My new Italian perfume might be to blame, too – Hayden told me not to buy it, but I couldn't resist.
I don't get what perfume has to do with anything. They could smell it...? So what. There has to be thousands of people with the same scent. And if there's another reason, I'd give it now, because we're left wondering.
And that Valastro man, that one that tried to help us, what was his first name?
Since you don't say what happened to him, we're left hanging. We have no idea how he works into this paragraph except that he tried to help him, but that's not what this paragraph's about; it's about what's gone wrong. And if you don't tell us what went wrong with him, it doesn't belong there.
a terrorist leaps to the entrance of the alley,
Okay, he's a terrorist. I guess this is enough information, but at least later on I want some questions answered; questions like, "Who is he working for", "Was he trying to find them", "How much do they know". There are more, but those are the most basic.
I pull the gold tube out of my back pocket as the terrorist barks something into a walkie-talkie gripped in his gun-free hand.
If I were him, I'd start yelling. Start threatening. You don't drop it in two seconds, I shoot. Obviously their world is hell, and in hell you don't have time to wonder why a girl who should be fear-stricken is showing you her lipstick.
Fire and Brimstone,
Hey, can I just say that I love this name? I'm assuming it's not a real color, but if it were, I would so buy it. xD
The terrorist looks completely caught off guard.
Again, it's kind of hard to catch a terrorist off guard. They're insane, mostly. Twisted logic. No morals. Okay, so this isn't necessarily true of all of them, but still. I doubt a terrorist would hesitate long enough for you to blow him up with lipstick.
“Hm, wonder why it's called that, Ashton?” asks Hayden, a smirk playing at her lips.
And by now, you'd be dead. Just saying. It's pretty obvious something's up, and that mixed with everything else should be enough to clue the guy in.
Nothing like lipstick grenades,
Lipstick grenades. Hard to remember, but I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes at this. I mean, is this the best you can do? I can name half a dozen movies (some that still play on Disney Channel every so often) that conceal weapons in cosmetics. It used to be creative and original - now, it's not. I don't care who you are, no one wants to read about lipstick grenades (at least no one that doesn't read Meg Cabot and Stephenie Meyer, and I'm guessing that's not your target audience). Give them real grenades. Make them so quick and skilled with them the terrorist didn't have a chance. Don't make them so cocky about the whole thing. It portrays them as junior high girls that get plopped into the situation like they actually have a clue what the heck they're doing. I desperately want these girls to be kick-ass (their personalities can vary) - that's the kind of character I respect in these situations.
Then, a sound that's way too familiar for two fifteen-year-old girls to hear.
They're fifteen - this raises a lot of questions. So you better be prepared to answer them. Questions like: What are they doing in a terrorist-ridden Italty?, Why are the terrorists after them?, How are they accustomed to carrying around grenades?, Why do they not even hesitate when blowing the guy up?, and How do they fit into the grand scheme of things? There are more questions, like above, but these are the most pressing ones. See, you raise a lot of questions. Which is good - people read on to find answers to their questions. Just make sure you answer them, and in ways that make sense and are easy to follow.
So, overall, I really like this. Contact me when there's more. =)
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Points: 1193
Reviews: 262
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