I really don’t believe that I pulled that off. Two women, one room: I am going to remember this night for a while. The Esquire ball is like prom night for a lawyer; there are lots of people who are honored, but winning Esquire of the year is like winning MVP honors in major league baseball. But let’s get back to the story. My fiancée and I were at the Esquire ball having a ball, until I saw a women that grabbed my attention along with another part of my anatomy. She was with my best friend, and he nor my fiancée had any idea that I had met that women before.
I met her at Starbucks, while on my way to work. She was sitting alone, reading, and I felt that I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t step to her. I sat down, introduced myself, and she obviously had taken an interest because she didn’t excuse me or herself, for that matter. So we talked; we talked about college, we talked about life, and we talked about relationships. Then she asked me if I was seeing anybody; like a man I said no, knowing that I had left my fiancée just 15 minutes ago. In the middle of our conversation, I looked down at my watch and realized that I was about to be 30 minutes late, so I grabbed my brief case and left.
As I was riding in the car, I realized that I had forgotten to ask her name. I could not believe that I was that stupid; I had sat there and had a real in-depth conversation with a woman and didn’t ask her name. I sat at my desk obsessing over this woman. Normally when I am with a client I don’t allow myself to become distracted. She really made an impression, I thought, for me to be so into her and not think about my fiancée.
The firm was closing kind of early; tonight was the Esquire Ball. This Ball was to honor the best lawyers in their fields. I was up for defense attorney of the year and everyone was up for Esquire of the Year. That award was the biggest; if I win then I will be the youngest to have won either. I picked my fiancée up and went to the ball. We danced for a few minutes, we walked around and talked. I was having the time of my life, not because I felt like I was about to win the award, but as my fiancée walked around I watched the guys I worked with stare. They were jealous, and all men know that we not only enjoy our women, but the envy that other men get when they see them. She had long black hair and a mahogany skin tone. My fiancée was wearing a blue dress, that dress hugged and showed off her hips. Her ass had that perfect shape, it was like a peach, in fact her nickname is Peaches. Her breasts looked amazing.
As I was showing my future off, I turned to the bar and saw an woman who I thought looked like Melyssa Ford. She turned around and it was the mystery woman from the coffee shop. She saw me and smiled, but then one of my co-workers and best friends walked up to her and kissed her. I couldn‘t process that event. I thought, “How in the hell could he end up with her.” I soon realized that the thing that I was doing to others was happening to me. They came and sat with us. We all talked and laughed, sharing stories of when we were in college; but while the conversation was flowing, the mystery woman began rubbing her foot against my leg. When my fiancée and friend weren’t looking she blew kisses. I had been in situations where I had gotten other women’s attention, but I had never been with my girl or fiancée. To keep the peace I tried to ignore her. Then my friend asked me if he could dance with my fiancée. I wanted to say no, because I knew if he danced with her, then I would dance with his girl. I said, Yes, but knew it was a bad idea.
I watched them on the floor, then the mystery woman broke the awkward silence by saying we should dance. I had other things in mind, but again, knowing it was a bad idea, I said yes. We danced and I immediately began to feel her up, but I did it on the sly, I knew I couldn’t be too obvious. I stopped and went to sit down. Soon one of the senior partners got on the microphone and said that the ceremony was about to begin. As they moved through the categories, It was time for defense attorney of the year. They announced my name and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I went up to the podium and made my speech. I staggered through, it seemed to everyone that I was distracted. I came back to the table and excused myself.
I went to the restroom to wash my face. What am I gonna do?, I asked out loud. I heard a voice say, “Have your way with me right now!” I turned, thinking and praying that it was my fiancée, but it was the mystery woman. She walked up to me and kissed me. I pulled back, she pulled me back and asked me to just let it happen. We started kissing again, and we went into the stall. 20 minutes after we went in, my fiancée and my friend came in and said that I had won Esquire of the Year. In that moment and the mystery woman and I walked out of the stall, her hair messed up, her straps undone, everything out. My fiancée said, “You won!. As she started to cry, she ran out. My friend followed. and I said, I didn’t even get your name!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya! Here for quick review.
Be sure to write out numbers lower than a hundred or so. And the 'like a man, I said no' part stuck out to me because I mean, what gives him the right to speak for the all men in the world? It would've been better if he said, 'and just like me, I said no' or something. Not every man is a two-timing cheater. -___-
Ask for her name?
You have a lot of semi-colons in here and it's getting distracted, not to mention slightly unprofessional. You want to make sure you use them lightly...very lightly for that matter.
*Saw a woman
This last bit was very, very confusing. First of all, please break up your dialogue lines so we know when person stops talking and the other one begins. Because while I was reading, I was getting mixed up with who said what and where and why. Also, it would be nice if you gave us names instead of using 'my friend' and 'the girl' because that adds to the confusion. Also, aren't bathrooms separated between males and females? Why are they all in one? That's very weird.
Overall, I thought your story was interesting but very hard to stay focused with. Your flow was choppy and you did more telling than you did showing. Not to mention your characters also lacked some realism or 3-D. I would try to lengthen this piece, I mean it would make a fairly interesting story if you tried to add some more description and pull a few strings here and there.
Dig deeper with your characters and try showing us what makes them the way they are. Also, the ending...what exactly happened? Did his fiancee run away? Why did she say, "You won?" I would've liked to see his after thoughts on that matter though, perhaps what ran through his head during that moment and what he planned on doing afterward, what the girl he was cheating with did during that time and what about his friend? I felt like you stopped the story a bit abruptly. Although, I did enjoy reading this and I think with some more tweaking it could be better.
Good job,
-Shear
Hello there.
This was really short and not very detailed. I also, it was very choppy... It seems like it was going to fast, too fast. You need to get into the details, and add some information. You need to merge your sentences together so it adds style and flows better. You also need to put more emotion in this. The story was great, and it has a lot of potential, but I didn't feel your MC like I'm suposed to. Did he love his fiancé, apart for her looks? Did their relashionship was going well? You know what I mean? Apart from these little tips, it was great.
Keep writing!
-Other One
[color=#0000FF]There were little mistakes here and there but thats not important. PM me if you want me to point those out cause I will but it was just mechanical, commas periods and capitalization. Anyway I couldnt keep my eyes of my computer while reading this. It was brilliantly written and I enjoyed reading every minute of it. Keep writing. Jenn/color]
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I will firstly start with the flaws of your piece.
So I think that's pretty much it. I loved how your story was told. Your grammar was good, the suspense, the approach was brilliant. I literally could not take my eyes off of this. You did great work.
Keep writing...I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff. PM me for anything!