Out of Illusion

Can I just say, "WOW!" What a lovely piece this is! I love this because most of us don't ever want to acknowledge what's going on around us. We always want to stay behind our invisible cloak and shun everything outside. We believe that ignorance is bliss and it actually is but if we stepped 'out of the illusion' we'd see that things aren't so perfect.

Now although I do love this short story I'd like to point out that you made a few grammar mistakes. One that stuck out like a sore thumb to me was vvv

`And then I voice came louder “who are you trying to fool?”`

And I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say. I'm still a bit unsure although I do have a guess. But keep up the good work and the original ideas <3

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Well, I would say this a fairly effective piece, however there is more than one thing you could improve. First of all, you shouldn't really start a new line everytime you start a new sentence. As well as this, you're forgetting the 'new speaker, new line' rule. This also means you stay on the same line if it is the same person talking. In fact, there are three rules about speech which you didn't use. The first one I mentioned, the second is that you should always use a capital letter when introducing speech. An instance where you did not do this is here: "... 'who are you trying to fool?'"
The third rule you forgot is that everytime you end speech, before you close the speech marks, you should always use a piece of punctuation, such as a full stop or an exclamation mark. Here is where you did not do this: "But my heart said 'NO! You are not'."
As well as this, I found that there was one sentence which absolutely did not make sense: "And then I voice came louder..." This isn't it, there was also a spelling mistake here: "... it didn't make me scare..." "Scare" should be changed to "Scared".

On a more positive note, I think this is a very realistic piece of writing and it's quite effective. As well as this, I like the contact the main character has with their internal self. Also, the reaction the main character has at the end is pretty... Original would probably be a good way to say it.

Overall, an effective piece, but you could work on structure and rules of speech.
I hope this review helped!

I can honestly say I've done the same thing the narrator does in here. Who wants to accept the death and horror in this world, anyway? Some days it will put a touch of fright in me, but I like how you concluded this: it raised me up, showed me reality, and today I am out of the illusion. That's just beautiful.

But at the same time, I want to know... what else? You have this revelation after your little fight against it, and now what? What are you going to do to help others see this reality and, help do something to change it? You surely won't stay quiet about it. Will you? I guess I'd just like to see the results, is what I'm trying to say.

I also felt as if you were very vague in your transition to getting out of the illusion.

I knew it was true. But I wanted to run away, fooling myself that I was happy and everybody was happy, paradise was happy.
“There will come a time when you will understand it,” said the heart softly.
Today I accept the truth when I heard the sound of bullets and it paralyzed me. When people were screaming and when my heart pounded and I hold it and said “Yes, you were right. We live in fantasy and unaware of reality.”

Hey there fatimagilani and greetings from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

So you listed this as some short story fiction but it plays out more like prosey poetry. Very fun thing to experiment and I'm not exactly sure if that's how you wanted this to be treated or the formatting just got messed up. If you are playing around with some prose/paragraph poetry, I would recommend some stanzas or at least closing up the spaces in between lines with the (shift/enter) combo. I'm mostly recommending some stanza implementation because of the choppy flow here and moving things farther away, usually slows the pace down. There are some other things about flow that I would like to comment on though.

The punctuation needs to be more consistent because you've created all these lines that are self contained sentences. So they each need to stop at the end of each line instead of using nothing or stretching out the ellipsis. Not only is it unnecessary but also grammatically incorrect and the visual look of it is almost trashy, leaving a really sour taste in my mouth. Line length is pretty good because of the whole contained sentences all by themselves thing.

Moving on. You do have some bits that don't make much sense just because one misplaced letter or word so pretty sure they're just typos. Just make sure to always check over little things like that before you push anything through the green room before. The tags on the dialogue are a bit awkward to have them for every line but I guess that just further plays into the theme. I think you could chill a bit with the CAPS and possibly adapt some italics or some bold. Just something to give the pop of emphasis without screaming as much at the readers, I've often found they don't care for that sort of thing.

Well that's all I've got for now. Forgot to mention it before but happy (some-what late) 2 year yws anniversary. If you've got any questions about this review, drop me a line.
Good day and good luck.
~Lady Lizz