Ch.1 Breakfast
“Get out the shower! Time’s up!” Koga banged on the bathroom door. “Hold up! I gotta wash the shampoo outa my hair! Just use one of the other freakin’ bathrooms.”
“People in them!” the wolf demon called back. Inuyasha stepped out of the bathroom door half naked with a towel wrapped around his lower half. “There, ya happy now?”
“Yes, very.” Koga jetted pass him and slammed the door shut. “Ahhhh, yeah.” He sighed sitting on the toilet. Inuyasha just rolled his eyes and went upstairs to change into his school clothes.
In the Tashio house at morning hours, it was always rowdy. Of course, if you lived there you would know. Children pushed in and out of restrooms screaming about who got in first. But today was even busier, they were getting ready to go to a new school. Once everyone finished squeezing for a shower and getting dressed, they all settled to eat breakfast.
This was how they sat at their humongous dinning room table. Inuyash, Koga, Rin and Syukin on one side, while Kanna, Layla, and Sasuke sat on the opposite. Father and Sesshomaru sat on the two opposing ends. They would always sit there, but everyone else seemed to sit randomly. Everyone sat talking and rambling except Sesshomaru of course, and Kanna who usually avoided it. “Alright settle down children, I have some matters to discuss.” Everyone quieted down when there father spoke. As if on cue, two maids came out and began serving them food. When they left, father Tashio continued. “Since you are going to a new school today I thought I should remind you all of a few things. First off, since Sesshomaru, Inuyasha, Kanna, Koga, and layla are all going to the same school now. You will all take the same car, the Escalade.”
“Aw, man. Come on Dad. Can’t we just take our own cars?” Inuyasha interrupted.
“No, that wouldn’t be necessary, five people taking four different cars, just to go to the same place. Besides gas prices are much too high.”
“Hmph! coming from a rich man.” Inuyasha muttered under his breath before sticking a pancake in his mouth.
“Anyway,” There father continued. “When you get to school I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.” The high pony-tailed Tashio directed this comment mostly to Inuyasha, Koga, and the twins. “Inuyasha, Koga, I do not want you two getting into any fights. That goes for Sasuke and Syukin too.” Inuyasha just said his usual “keh!” while Sasuke and Syukin snickered quietly. “Ahem” their father cleared his throat. “Rin, you, Sasuke, and Syukin will be escorted by none other than…Kaede.”
“Aw man, why can’t we just ride our bikes?” Syukin butted in.
“That’s obvious, first off we live too far from school and second, we don’t have any bikes…idiot.” Sasuke stated in his all too familiar voice that told you he was trying to imitate Sesshomaru. “Keh, whatever, stop trying to act like Sesshomaru, cause you can’t!” Syukin stuck out his tongue.
“Why don’t you stop imitating Inuyasha?” Sasuke, the older by two minutes, crossed his arms.
“Both of you hush and stop acting foolish.” There father retorted. Both stopped. Inuyasha smirked and Sesshomaru just shook his head annoyed. He didn’t really mind that Sasuke forever tried to imitate his ways. Followed him everywhere, tried to dress like him, sometimes he even caught him scribbling things down in a handbook. It was amusing at times and then other times it was a nuisance. Sesshomaru cut out of his thoughts when he heard slight rambling. Their father had left and now everyone sat chatting and eating.
“You gotta be kidding me, Vageta is way stronger that Goku!”
“Keh, no he’s not! That’s why Goku turned super saia-jin first!"
"Both of you are wrong. Brolly is the greatest." Sasuke butt into Inuyasha and Koga's conversation. "He has no weakness, while he was fighting all of them at the same time, he still didn't break a sweat! And he didn’t hesitate to crush Goten and Trunks when they got in his way. That’s a true warrior." he stated with his hands behind his back and eyes closed. Both Inuyasha and Koga looked back at him.
"oh yeah? then explain to me why Goku whooped his a**!"
"Blah blah"
"blah blah blah."
"Blah!"
It went on and on, Layla was annoyed. “Would all of you just hush! Stop fighting over some cartoons, it's ridiculous really!" Layla had a sort of British accent. Everyone looked at her. "Besides, Alucard from Hellsing could murder them without a sweat!" She said with her hands clasp together and a dreamy look in her eyes.
"Whatever." all the boys breathed at the same time.
"and your the one to talk about ridiculous." someone else muttered. Sesshomaru just sat eating an apple watching the fools carry on. Rin agreed with Layla with that same look. Kanna didn't say much. So the talking went on and then stood up. "I could massacre all of them." he said then walked away. Everyone stared dumbfound in his direction, never had he said anything when they argued, much less paid attention. Jaws were dropped. "di..did he..just.." Layla started.
"yeah." everyone else said in a union.
______
grammar is horrid help? started this story when I was twelve then gained writers block after the 4th chapter. Trying to finish, I hate not finishing stories.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello there, I will be posting my reviews in a generalized manner so i wouldn't sound too redundant.
A. Grammar
There are four things I have to say for you: comma, punctuation mark, capitalization and word use. Example:
The period is supposed to be a comma.
The period must be a comma and the "He" should have been he, no capitalization needed.
There is supposed to be Their.
There are other parts of the story that runs around like that as well, so I would like to emphasize you improve yourself in those fields.
B. Characters:
Nice ensemble of characters by the way. You made laugh out loud when Sasuke tried to imitate Sesshomaru, that was darn hilarious.
C. Plot:
It is wise if you pick out a specific topic rather than a big chunk of ideas thrown in one cook pot. The only thing I commend about your work was the fact that you kept the story in one piece even though various conversations and situations were carried out.
D. Overall:
To sum it up, improve your adequate use of words, proper comma placement, correct capitalization and punctuation use. Keep the character blending at the right spot, and I would like to add that don't make it too much of a crowd, like having as far as 20 or more so it wouldn't turn into a hard piece to understand. Finally, making a chapter revolve in one topic rather than anything goes would not only make the readers appreciate and understand the story, it will also help you make the story writing easier for you as well, believe me. Good luck on your next projects!
I thought it was pretty good, I'm horrible at grammar so I wont even try to pick that out.
(Cool)
To me it seemed like you didn't really have a plot in the story, but it was still good with out it.
In some parts you went from third point of view to first. Which kind of got confusing.
I liked how you made Sasuke trying to act all cool and copy Sesshomaru. That was pretty funny! Plus you have Kogua as a main character so you this has to be good. I hope you keep writing this story!
This is what I think of your story~
-Chinchilla