16+ Violence

Thorns Bring Crimson Hands Ch. 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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 Sometimes I liked to think back. Try to remember her, but it was much too foggy to get a clear image. Her voice was garbled and I could only make out the feeling, warm. She was warm and everything else was cold, like the ones who took her from us. I was so young then, I was defenseless. I didn't stay defenseless for long after she passed. Father knew exactly how to make me feel strong again. I started my training at four.

I pledged to avenge her.

The thunder ripped Nicolas from his thoughts, he was perched on a drenched wooden balcony, outside of a dirty glass window. He scoffed silently, a noble lived here. One of the scum involved in his mothers murder.

A horse trekked sluggishly across the mountainside up to the estate. It's lone rider painfully unaware. He probably felt comfort riding out to his secluded safe haven. It would not be safe this night. The splashing steps of the horse and the uproarious thunder made so much noise it was easy for Nick to rattle the balcony door's lock loose.

After slightly parting the doors, he could see into the man's unremarkable bedroom, with a crack of lightning his shadow loomed into the room. He crouched, there were unlit candles and scattered parchment, an unmade bed with richly colored covers; a poor man could tidy better. He noticed then the sword by the armour. Was this the man's defense? Well. Nicolas swept across the floor and snatched the blade from its place of hiding.

The blade was a short sword. The length of it was from elbow to wrist of the bearer, and the width of the flat of the blade was two inches at the pummel narrowing to a pointed tip. It seemed almost impractical, but it was well sharpened. Nicolas crept back onto the balcony, the rider was stabling his mare. After weighing the blade in one hand and flipping it Nick caught it. The balance was off, heavy towards the pummel like a throwing knife. Nicolas turned and sunk the blade into a tree some distance from the balcony.

The sound was again masked by the storm as lightning whipped through the sky. He took out a dagger of his own and moved into the corner of the balcony against the wall, a blind spot from the doors. The great entrance of the estate screamed open, allowing the nobleman entry. It was a Sunday, and the house servants were holding Sabbath with the bread they had baked Saturday.

So the creak anointed the empty house will a hollow feeling. The heavy sound of the man's hard heeled leather boots was certaintly intimidating, but his weight did not command Nick. He only used his dagger to trace a Yr on the balcony as he waited. The assassin's customary symbol of death.

The nobleman had went to his pantry, he had not baked any breads for his Sabbath. Instead he would partake of someone else's toil. Nicolas was familiar with the bitterness of 'noble Christianity'.

Those who were too rich in material to dirty their hands in things other than trivial gossip. Unkind and judging working only to please themselves the nobles observe only the laws of Christianity that benefit them. Nicolas listened past the incessant rain that the wind whipped at his clothes in a fray of numbing droplets as he rested his head against the wall. He heard the man rustling in the pantry like a great mouse, after bread and cheese no doubt. With his standing it would be expected he wash it down with a rich red wine. The servants were cutting loaves of bread into sixteenths to feed their starving families, and this noble would call Nicolas a savage pagan as they drank rainwater from the holes in their rooves.

Even then the noble didn't find himself comfortable enough as he journeyed up the stairs to the comfort of his room. "Go back out for a while," Nicolas whispered, "enjoy a walk in the rain. It is your last night on earth. Feel it in the bare feet and let the rain mix in your wine. Drink and pray to your god." He sighed. "Do what is not in your nature. Do not touch the top stairs now. Do not let your last moments be of slug like gluttony."

The noble stopped at the top stair and pushed open his door. He hadn't heard a word between his climbing and his chewing, but he noticed immediately that his short sword was missing. He called out into the dark room, "Hello?"

Only the wind answered him. Nicolas resorted his grip on the rain slick dagger as the man fell prey to his curiosity. The noble had noticed the balcony door was ajar. He moved forward and pushed the doors outwards entirely opened. He stood between the doors, and a door stood between himself and Nicolas. Nick rose to his feet an unmoving looming nightmare unnoticed in the nobles peripheral as he stepped forward to gape at his sword hanging in the side of the tree.

Deftly the dagger reach slipping around him, not yet cutting his throat. The man stuttered unintelligibly. Nick hushed him. "Have honor."

The man began to speak but Nick countered. "This is your last breath, who would answer you better me or your god?" The noble began to pray, and as soon as Nicolas heard 'amen' he moved the dagger from the mans throat to between his ribs.The man trembled thrice and went limp.

"May you rest in heaven, for you can never see Valhalla Christian." Nicolas said solemnly.

With that he left, leaping down from the balcony and tearing the short sword out of the tree. He wondered if the Christian noble would have used his weapon if he had the chance.

Nicolas highly doubted it, the man did not seem capable. Must have been why his mothers death was arranged as a poisoning. Not even in dishonorable combat. She died from eating bad food, so he couldn't even see her in the afterlife.

He wiped the rain from his face in annoyance, shaking the droplets from his hand, but they were soon replaced. He walked faster and tugged his cloak around him pulling his hood down further. He could never stay warm and the weather wasn't helping. His stomach burned and his senses heightened. He groaned in frustration before lurching towards one of the buildings. "No!"

He stopped short and turned away from the hut. He set his jaw and started taking shaking steps away and towards the castle. "Just get to the damned thing!"

Each step took twice the effort as before, but he preferred not to prey upon the weak. He should have helped himself when greeted by the noble. It was too late for that now. Instead he stalked towards the castles guard tower. The gaurds were fed well, they could handle donations. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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cosmicsnail30 Review

Hi, I just have a few thoughts on this opening chapter.

So, to start things off, I can say that I'm very intrigued by this story. It's too early to know exactly what direction the story will take, but Nick is certainly a character worth following. He seems to be a character seeping in ideas about morality and philosophy -- he has a lot of opinions about wealth and religion. And by touching on his own religious beliefs, he seems like the kind of guy who's stuck on a high horse. This is interesting because as a hired killer, many people would question if he's truly as noble as he thinks he is.

All in all, this looks like a really promising project. I hope you move forward with this one.

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deleted30
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Hello darling~

I really enjoyed this! There's a lot to compliment—but, for me, what stood out most of all was the commentary you laced throughout. That was so, so good. Especially this quotation (which, if memory serves, was the same teaser you posted to your wall):

The nobleman had went to his pantry, he had not baked any breads for his Sabbath. Instead he would partake of someone else's toil. Nicolas was familiar with the bitterness of 'noble Christianity'.
Those who were too rich in material to dirty their hands in things other than trivial gossip. Unkind and judging working only to please themselves the nobles observe only the laws of Christianity that benefit them. Nicolas listened past the incessant rain that the wind whipped at his clothes in a fray of numbing droplets as he rested his head against the wall. He heard the man rustling in the pantry like a great mouse, after bread and cheese no doubt. With his standing it would be expected he wash it down with a rich red wine. The servants were cutting loaves of bread into sixteenths to feed their starving families, and this noble would call Nicolas a savage pagan as they drank rainwater from the holes in their rooves.


I love every part of that. The criticism of religious hypocrisy, of wealth, of social hierarchy, of the haves and the have-nots—it rings so true to life, and it makes you feel things when you read it. It gives you a flash of fury at the injustice of it all, and the familiarity of this injustice: the fact that what you're describing here is not an evil limited to the world of fiction but, in fact, an ugly part of real, everyday life. This section is relatable in the worst of ways, but that's precisely what makes it so compelling.

I also wanted to highlight that quote because it's well-written. It crackles with life and has a distinctive style. Your voice really comes through in that quotation, and it's a good voice: well-developed and captivating.

This whole chapter, for that matter, was a very interesting read. You managed to pack a lot of action in a short span without it feeling rushed. It was exciting, with moments of tension and suspense. Speaking of which, I really liked how, as the chapter progressed, you started writing in shorter and choppier sentences. That helped build the tension/suspense. All I can say is, I think you have the beginnings of a very compelling story here—and it's off to a rousing start! You leave the reader wanting more, which is always a good thing.

In terms of my critiques, I have just a few things. There were some run-on sentences early on in the chapter, although, once the sentences got shorter, that problem went away. You also need to work on your punctuation a bit. Let me show some examples, using that same quote from before:

The nobleman had went to his pantry, he had not baked any breads for his Sabbath.

This is a run-on sentence. Change the comma to a period.

Instead he would partake of someone else's toil. Nicolas was familiar with the bitterness of 'noble Christianity'.

Periods and commas always go inside quotation marks, no matter what. But you also shouldn't use single-quotes around "noble Christianity": I think you should italicize it instead (or use double-quotes, like you would for dialogue).

Those who were too rich in material to dirty their hands in things other than trivial gossip. Unkind and judging working only to please themselves the nobles observe only the laws of Christianity that benefit them.

Okay, a few notes here. First of all, you desperately need to add commas after "unkind and judging" and then after "only to please themselves." Next, I'd strike the "in material" following rich. It's unnecessary, makes the sentence too wordy, and disrupts the flow. And finally, the word "only" is repetitive. I'd change either "only to please themselves" to "just to please themselves," or else change "only the laws of Christianity" to "just the laws of Christianity." Either would work.

Nicolas listened past the incessant rain that the wind whipped at his clothes in a fray of numbing droplets as he rested his head against the wall.

This is a very long, very wordy sentence without any punctuation (save for the period at the end). It's a lotttt of descriptive words—I'd say an overwhelming amount to cram in a single, comma-free sentence. I'd streamline it: simplify by cutting out any superfluous words (don't be afraid to kill your darlings!).

With his standing it would be expected he wash it down with a rich red wine.

You don't have to put a comma after "with his standing," but I would personally recommend it.

The servants were cutting loaves of bread into sixteenths to feed their starving families, and this noble would call Nicolas a savage pagan as they drank rainwater from the holes in their rooves.

This is absolutely great! I love it. My only note is that I'm confused by the word you use at the end, "rooves." Did you mean "roofs"? That's the correct plural.

Overall, you've started this story on an exciting note. I adore the themes you've touched on, of wealth disparity and religious hypocrisy (among other things), and I hope you continue to comment on them as the story progresses. You managed to have a lot of action take place in a short chapter, yet it was pretty well-paced and didn't feel rushed. I really like what you've started here, and I'm excited to see where you go next.

Great work! :D



The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler