Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here for yet another review. I think this one will be the last for today. Let's see how it goes. I hope these are helping you out at least a little.

First Impression: So this one is definitely the deepest one that I'm going to be tackling today and the messages is well...clear but not fun at all...this is a pretty dark tone that you've managed to achieve and it all seems to be metaphors for various states of maybe depression or something to do with mental illness (or maybe I watched too much Film Theory today). But I think what you are mostly conveying is someone who maybe feels like they are not good enough and would be forgotten or something along those lines.

Anyway let's get right to it,

So getting into the actual technicalities of this thing....I've got pretty much nothing to say really. The spellings are all correct from what I can see and the words that you use all seem to work really well. I don't see anywhere where something stands out as being odd.

The metaphors that you use are also really good and I think they compare well with what you're trying to present.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So I think that's all I can say about it with my limited poetry knowledge. I won't say this one was a fun poem because of the message but it was definitely fairly easy to understand and it didn't have any awkward sounding bits. Hoping that was somehow at least a teensy bit helpful.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello there!

I thought this was an interesting poem to go over, especially when a speaker uses objects/pictures to form themselves. An apple is a nicely familiar idea, whether to point back to the Snow White/poisoned apple/bad witch trope, or to designate the idea of a seemingly-innocent fruit that is often eaten by quite a few populations. From that, I think this goes more to an innocent person being "poisoned" whether by opening their eyes to something they were ignorant of, or something they hadn't wanted to believe and were instead forced to realize what was going on.

I would actually suggest a bit of a change in how this poem is presented, with the contents being in two main stanzas with a third, slightly smaller one to end the poem, mostly because some of these lines are rather inconsistent when it comes to length. The first stanza brings a bit of an odd wording, with how the "bitemarks / deepen /poison" and I think I just want more from how these bites are poisonous, perhaps because they were exposed to a "poison" or dipped into a "poison" if that make sense. An expanded idea on this rotting apple being the representation of the speaker's soul could really make a solid image in the reader's mind.

From that point, I don't quite like the last four lines of stanza one mostly because I want to focus on specific imagery and painting a specific image. The introduction of a "whirlpool" would be interesting if it was more expanded on, perhaps a form of what the self-loathing would be, like counting apple seeds and hating them without any reason for doing so. The last two lines also strike me as a bit odd because there is not another "you" addressed in the rest of the poem.

The comparison of the apple and the book works better, mostly because I kind of picture an apple falling from the tree, and landing onto the face of an abandoned book, but I think there could be a little more from this idea as well. Something akin to "poison" being mentioned here would also help I think, relate to this being another way to show what was happening to the speaker. The "very soul" part helps link with "my soul" but I think either pronouns could shift here, to get back to the reader's soul and not the book's, or there needs to be a bit more direct linking.

Even something like calling yourself the book as in "my book left unturned / rain falling upon my face" but I don't know, that is personal preference. The last stanza is my favorite portion of this, mostly because it ties together "the apple/the book" in nice terms, and even gets to what these metaphors are meant to represent, the terrifying transition from being a teenager and suddenly turning into an adult. Some ideas that could help represent that could be referring to changing of seasons, if the speaker feels trapped in either wanting to stay a teen, or feels pushed into becoming an adult, into stumbling into a world that was unknown and scary.

If this seems harsh, it's not mean to be -- I think there are a lot of good ideas in here, I just want to help you expand on some of those. The apple and the book imagery works well, and the ending is a good combination of relating to the metaphors yet giving an overall solid thematic reasoning to the poem itself. Nicely done!

Hi LadyGemstone,
I'm here with a review. This is my favorite poem so far. I think you used vocabulary that put together made this it very emotional. I believe the second stanza is the one where we really understand the feeling of the poem.
Now, punctuation. You have some around the poem but as I said in another review having some more will add a melody to it and make it more pleasant to read.
As for grammar, there are a couple of small mistakes.
"what if time doesnt heal this"
It should be doesn't.
"what if i cant get out what if i need a hand"
It should be can't
"smearing it, mixing it until it doesn't "
Again, doesn't. Are you writing it this way as a stylistic choice?
"ould replace that perfect factoral ink"
It should be factorial.
I enjoyed reviewing another one of your lovely poems. I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris.