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by fantasywolf

Chapter 1

I walked down a familiar street, of course it'd be familiar since I once lived in this small town. I lived in a huge green house with a open front yard and a closed back one. It was okay but I had a sense of wrongness as I turned a corner, like someone was watching me. I looked around but all I saw was a stray cat running from the sprinklers. I didn't have enough time to relax though, as a black suberu came around the corner. I walked slight faster but it ran in front of me. I recognized the car, it had been the one that had tried to kidnap me at the end 7th grade but I'd managed to escape when I ran into a house. And that house had happened to be a guy in 8th grade that my friend Eve had had a crush on. He'd been with friend that day to but he'd been the only one that knew that a guy was chasing me since he saw him. His friends hadn't even known that I'd been there until it ended up on the new and my family had moved away.

A hand yanking me into the car interrepted my thoughts and suddenly it was black. It all came back to me in ten seconds or less, and I acted like I was unconcious. I felt us slow and that's when I flung my self out which suprised him and gave me time to run. I didn't dare go back to my house, my parents weren't there since they were on vacation with my sister so I went down a bike path and into a circle of houses. A hand clamped down on my arm and another one muffled my scream. Then a low voice said in my ear" You won't get away again." I was being dragged back, my feet scraping against the cement. I fought to stand, I brought my foot up finally and before he can move I back kick him in his groin. I hear him grunt then I pull myself out of his arms. I feel him heavy on my feet as I try to ignore my rapid heart beat and concentrate on what to do. I jerk to the side and send him flying pass me, I look at the house in front of me and run for it. Hoping it's unlocked. I glance behind me as I jump up the steps, he was right there. I turn the handle and slip in, slamming it shut and locking it so he can't go in. I lean against it and sigh in relief, until I take in my surroundings. In front of me was a medium sized living room and I could just make out the kitchen. Then I noticed the guy on top of the girl with his shirt off. The girl looked pissed off, not even seeming concerned about my hot face and my crazy hair. The guy on the other hand looked concerned and familiar, I realized.

I smile hesitently" S-sorry." I stammer.

Thats all I do though, I don't go for the door to let myself out. I could feel him waiting on the other side, angry that I'd escaped again. I step forward and look for another door, my heart jumping with relief when I see one behind them. I make my way over there feeling there gazes on my back, I turn around to see the guy sitting on the other sofa with his shirt on but the girl left hers unbuttoned as if to prove something." I'll just be going so you guys can continue what ever you were doing." My voice came out breathy as I tried to suck in air. The door opened behind as I said this and I was pulled out of it." You better smile or I'll stick this knife in your back." A voice whispered in my ear. I stayed silent and I felt the tip of the blade on my thigh, worse day to wear shorts. Nice thinking Kaia. I say sarcasticly in my head. They couldn't see the knife slightly in front of my thigh, it pressed in harder when I clenched my teeth to keep from gasping in pain." Do it." He whispers in my ear. I put on a small smile and the guys eyebrows drew together. I spun around, gritting my teeth as the knife sliced across my thigh. I lifted my knee and kicked him in the stomach making him stumble back into the grass. I back towards the door and slam the screen shut. He stands up and aims the knife, sending it flying through the screen just inches from my head. I grab the door as he runs for me, I close it right as he opens the screen door. I let out a sigh of relief as I lock the door and lean against it, GOD what is up with this guy? Why did he chase me again after I got rid of him once?

A searing pain goes down my leg and I finally notice the cut. I put a hand one it to stop the bleeding but it seeps through my fingers, covering my hand with blood. I slide down the door and grimance in pain when I have to move my leg. I stare at the bloody cut for a second until I feel a shadow fall over me. I look up at the guy that had just been making out with the girl only minutes before. He had dark brown hair that looked soft and high cheek bones and a strong jaw. His pale brown eyes and a lean muscular body completed the look, he was definintly hot. He takes my hand silently and lifts me up. I limp behind him and he leads me to the sofa he had just been sitting at. He disapears into a room for what seemed like hours, the girl glaring at me as he came back. He pushes his hair out of his eyes as he kneels in front of me, the cut stretched over my thigh and I winced when he wiped up the blood. Underneath it was a long ugly deep gash, I look up at the boy. He was reaching into his pocket as if to get something..... Oh!!!! I grab his hand and take it away.

"No" I say firmly.

"What?" His voice was deep but not scary like the mans.

"Don't dial 911."

He just looks at me, I roll my eyes." I don't want my parents to find out or we'll move again." I say lowly aware of the girls eyes on us.

He looks at her then stands up" You should go." He says quietly. The girl looks at him then glares at me, I look back at her with a streight face but on the inside I was smiling. She must be MAD." Fine" she snaps then stomps out of the house. He looks after her with an annoyed expression then turns back to me, narrowing his eyes.

" Who are you?" He ask not as quiet now.

" Kaia."

" Kaia, your the girl that almost got kidnapped in 7th grade." He says suprised.

" Ya, how did you know?"

" Well one: It was on the news Two: I was the guy that helped you." I look at him closely now and realize he actually was.


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7 Reviews

Points: 515
Reviews: 7

Fri Dec 28, 2012 3:11 pm
Logowrites wrote a review...

3 reasons I loved it

1. it was suspenseful, I love how he did cut her leg a little bit, perfect you let be real, but you should put a little more detail of how she felt.

2. it was the same guy who helped her jacob, but why would he kkow she was in 7th grade, like kaia from the 7th grade. I loved how he rememberd though.

3. how she went into peoples house's to escape= GENIUS!!!! that idea was great, you showed your character was smart, and can defend herself.
overall I give it a 8/10 great job.

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277 Reviews

Points: 7061
Reviews: 277

Wed Jun 06, 2012 2:25 am
Master_Yoda wrote a review...

Hey Fantasywolf and Zohali,

This review is primarily a review on Zohali's review, but feel free to listen in, Fantasywolf as it may help you too.

Let's begin, Zohali.

I want to get something straight, if you want to get the most out of your reviews, you will review for yourself as much as the reader. Most of what's in your review might help the reader edit this story, but will not help you in the slightest.

I understand pointing out spelling errors, grammar errors, repetitiveness, and flawed word-choice when they appear extremely rarely. Then it takes a quick second to help the reader out. When, however, the whole text is littered with them, it is a waste of your time. If you want to, tell the author that their story is littered with technical errors quickly, but then focus on the stuff that will help you.

This review was nowhere near as impressive as the other one you asked me to review. You need to read the story more slowly, glossing over the technical details so that you can begin to notice the points worth noticing.

You made one very strong point, but buried it deep within a bunch of stuff that doesn't really matter: the info-rush is important. This should be the focus of your review. If you're going to give examples, give examples here. Note how you might go about breaking the information up into scenes, and how to make it feel like story rather than narration. A little piece on showing rather than telling would not hurt either.

You would benefit tremendously from this exercise, it's one thing to state a problem, but it's another thing entirely to work out its every crease, and perfect your own approach at the same time.

You did not notice the tense switching. This amateurish mistake is one you should notice immediately. Pointing it out helps the reader tremendously and takes a second. Also, sticking to a single tense also helps build and clarify structure within a story. When an author is worrying about keeping tense consistent, they will naturally develop stronger writing habits in other areas too.

Perhaps the prospect of this girl managing to thwart a big hardened man time and time again feels believable to you, but I was incredulous. Perhaps the character's responses seemed real to you, but they feel plastic to me. Try to determine whether you share these reservations, and if you do, try to work out how they might be remedied. Also, try to work out how they relate to each other. This is stuff that makes you think about the technicalities of writing and is worth spending time on.

Finally, I'm going to talk about what I talked about at the end of the last review too: letting your emotions get in the way of your writing. Did you notice that here? Go back and see if you can work it out. Then click the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
It's Jacob the really hot guy. The author clearly fantasizes at least about the prospect of the love between him and Kaia. The whole exotic description of him and jealous girlfriend only serve to heighten this fantasy. And that he saved her life in the past doesn't hurt matters either.

The sheer pace at which the author allows this attraction to progress shows an impatience on their part. In order for the storytelling to be effective, the author needs to ensure that any attraction occurs gradually.

That's it for now. Any questions, drop me a line. Also feel free to request another review-review, Zohali.

All the best,

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53 Reviews

Points: 4226
Reviews: 53

Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:33 pm
zohali93 wrote a review...

Hi there.

I just read your chapter one...of course I just read otherwise I wouldn't be writing this :) ...Anyways,
You had a really great story going on there. I like how you built up the suspense. It was great for a first chapter,But. I felt that the way you wrote this could have been written out better.
Firstly to start off with,
There were some spelling mistakes and also grammar problems.
He'd been with friend that day to but he'd been the only one that knew that a guy was chasing me since he saw him. His friends hadn't even known that I'd been there until it ended up on the new and my family had moved away.

The first underlined words is underlined because you just repeated the it. Maybe you could twist your words around to have the same meaning yet use a word once. The second undelined one as you can now tell is missing an 's'.
These two were just samples. You should go through it once more and you'll see other correctable/improvable stuff.
Again I say you really do have a great story going on, but the way you wrote it out can be made better.

Now for the opening chapter.
Hmmm... For starters you repeated the words, 'I lived' .Your choice of words, or sentencing...didn't really get to me, but maybe thats just me. Also there was a bit of an information rush when you were talking about what happened. You might want to slow down and let the readers digest the information bit by bit.
I like how you let readers know that something was up in the first chapter.

it had been the one that had tried to kidnap me This part implies that the car kidnapped you. when you meant that the owner did.

Overall I liked your story. Just remember to edit it and work on your wording.
I hope this helps.
-Zo :)

Random avatar

Points: 2557
Reviews: 26

Sat Jun 02, 2012 2:54 am
SkyLore wrote a review...

Hello, Sky here. I'll be reviewing your work.

Point One:
You wrote: I walked down a familiar street, of course it'd be familiar since I once lived in this small town.
When I read this out loud, it seemed a bit weird. I think it's where you placed your comma. Try rewriting it.
Example: I walked down a familiar street in the small town I once lived in.

Point Two:
You wrote: And that house had happened to be a guy in 8th grade that my friend Eve had had a crush on. He'd been with friend that day to but he'd been the only one that knew that a guy was chasing me since he saw him. His friends hadn't even known that I'd been there until it ended up on the new and my family had moved away.
Whoa, whoa whoa.
Slow down there.
This paragraph seems as though you were typing so fast everything got jumbled together. Try rewording your sentences to make them a bit shorter.
Example: And that house happened to be owned by a guy in eighth grade that my friend, Eve, had a crush on before. He'd been with his friend's that day, but somehow he'd been the only one that knew that a man was chasing after me.

Now, the rest of this piece has all the same problems, so instead of making many points I'll just list them here as an overall.
1. Grammar.
You have a lot of grammatical errors, but I won't attack you for it. Maybe your fingers slipped, I don't know. Just make note to proofread for grammar errors next time. c:
2. Wording.
This seems to be the main problem. I'm not saying that your writing is bad. It's excellent. All I'm saying is you need to reword some of your sentences, because they seem to be running a bit long.
3. Commas, periods, etc.
This tags along with the wording thing. You place some of your commas and periods in awkward places.

Tip: Before you post, read your work out loud to yourself. See what sounds awkward or what needs to be changed when read out loud. When you read something in your head the brain seems to skim over things that sound awkward or are wrong.

I think that's all I have to say...
Don't take my words as if I am slandering your work. These are just tips that you may want to take into consideration.
I am happy if I helped you, and I apologize in advance if I did not.

Keep writing,

Sky. c:

"I think; therefore, I am."
— RenĂ© Descartes