Published April 25, 2015
The brothers stood in horror as the elf brandished her scimitar.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" she asked, her strong voice reverberating through the cavern. "Sneaking away from the warden, huh?"
"You can't do this to us," said Einar, swallowing hard and shaking his hands. Uinar had already the Crystal in his bare hands.
"Everyone says that," Astelna said with a smile. "Saying such cowardly words only result in death." She turned to Uinar and in an instant, her sword went through Uinar's chest. He gave a cry that would have woken any beast or dragon from slumber. Einar's could not believe that his eyes had seen such horror and sadness. He began to cry.
"Uinar!" Einar cried out. Uinar collapsed to the ground. The Crystal rolled from his hands. The elf's sword was stained with the blood of Einar's brother.
"My brother," Uinar said, wheezing and wincing in pain, "do whatever it takes to make mother alive." And with these words he spoke no more.
Einar could not hold back his emotions. With a yell he charged towards Astelna to make her fall onto the jagged rocks, but some force, not Astelna's, prevented Einar from doing so.
It was the Crystal that stopped him. It actually spoke to him, so Astelna could not hear anything.
She is Raven Warrior. Do not murder her.
Einar stopped and stood rooted to the ground. The blood from his brother flowed freely.
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138,754 Literary Works • 672,292 Reviews
Heyo dragon, happy review day, Flite here for a review. I haven't read the other parts yet so I'm just writing this base on what I've read. Due to how short this is, I'm not sure how helpful my review will be but here goes.
I'd nix the comma here and replace 'and' with an 'as' as that flows better. I noticed that there isn't a lot of description in this part, I'm not sure if this is purely a battle scene or not. However, it won't harm you to describe the surrounding environment to us, where are they fighting now? Fighting in a desert and fighting under a meadow could be two very different things, environment creates mood and atmosphere so you would want to include that in to paint a sharper image in the reader's mind.
Personal preference I suppose, but Einar doesn't seem very panicked at all from the way he's speaking. I'd either change the tag or add some body language in there to show us the tone of his sentence.
The second sentence in this line also stands a bit awkwardly, read it outloud to yourself, it's the best method. I'd swap it so it's like this, 'Uinar already had the Crystal in his bare hands.'
I've noticed a problem with a dialogue, it's pretty flat. It's realistic enough but the it doesn't have much life in it. One of the the factors that's causing this is the way in which you've written it. Right now your dialogue is a tennis match, it's just question-and-answer firing back and forth. This gives you a good idea on what not to do in dialogue. You want to avoid straight ask and answer questions, be adventurous with how you answer and the way you answer it. Tagging affects the dialogue a lot too, right now there isn't much body language to indicate what the characters are feeling. Learn to use dialogue to their max and take advantage of it.
Also, speaking of description that sword scene was...so quick. I imagined that it could be developed a lot more, great chance for character development right there. Einar's reaction too, it was really vague and somewhat generalised. I'm not seeing a lot of personal reaction when Uinar died, that scene in general I think could be better fleshed out.
So the ending of this was interesting, I'm intrigued to read more about the Crystal and about the two brothers. This from what I've just read reminds me a lot of the Fullmetal Alchemist series, you have two brothers here who is trying to make their mother come back to life. So I guess this will be interesting, my main critic is that you need to include a lot more descriptions and character insights into your chapter. Get in deeper, scratch the surface, make them bleed.
I hope I've been helpful in some ways, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
-Flite
Sorry if everything was too quick. I probably would have made it longer and stuff like if I had more time. Review day was going to start in like 5 minutes!
Well that was really a really good conclusion to the chapter. Called it! He got caught, now the question about what happens next, I imagine he will just be locked back up again and barely escape with Crystal in hand. Somehow the doctor who told them about the cave seems evil. I really look forward to the next chapter and where you take it.
Would love a notification when you publish the next chapter, if you don't know how to do that I'd be happy to say how.
Okay, I would like to send you notifications. And i would like to know how. I have in time published these parts all the way to Part 11.
Thank you for liking my works!
fantasydragon01
This work is quite riveting with the little action that goes on in this part. Although I am unsure of the full plot (considering I have not read any of the other parts just yet), this part within itself is very clear. I like the chemistry that exists between the brothers. And I'm assuming that Astelna has something to do with Einar and Uniar's mother's death? The way this was written made this very clear, just slightly predictable but that's not a bad thing. Now I'm curious as to why only one brother was killed. Maybe that's something I'll have to read up on when I get to the other parts
your work made me curious and anxious to read more to figure out everything that happens! Another thing I'd like to point out is there should be some commas in some of your sentences to help build up the momentum of your sentences and give it a slight dramatic sensation. Such places are
"With a yell, he charged towards Astelna...."
And where it says about the words resulting in death, instead of a period a comma could be used there to indicate a continuation of speech since she stops to turn to Einar. And make the B in but lowercase and that'll set the scene!
Excellent job with plot development I loved the effort put into making this action seem lifelike and believable. Keep writing and stay motivated. I'll be sure to read your other parts.
Much regards,
happiestwr1t1ng23
Thanks. And, by the way, their mother is not dead. She is just very sick and at the point of death.
Oh alright thanks for the clarification