Hello fantasydragon01,
Myjaspercat here to review...
So I kind of wanted to read and review part one first but I couldn't find a link to it so, if I mention something in my review that has already been said, sorry and I understand if you ignore. Onwards...
---Ok, first nit pick, the sentence structure. It just seem weird and it doesn't flow right. Also I don't feel the need for the exclamation point; to overly excited for my taste.How filled the basket was!
---Alright, this doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the paragraph, and it's probably because it read like it was written in a different tense. Remember to stay consistent.Now, Mother could use them to make preserves and then sell them for money to support of the family.
---UGH!When Charlotte entered the house, she said:
"Mother, I am home!"
---Again, enough with the whole exclamation mark thing, it's just to much."My goodness, Charlotte!"
---Ok, so I see you're trying to add detail here, and I applaud you for this but it's still like an info dump. Remember that even when you're adding detail, you still need to watch the way you word your sentences so they don't seem so bland.Her younger sister, Jane, also came into the room. Her hair was very dark and she possessed hazel eyes. She was very different from her older sister, in looks and in personality. She was not as quiet as Charlotte, and was more verbose than her. Yet she was a sister whom Charlotte loved dearly.
What's the big deal with this whole Isaac thing? He seems important so slow down the sister's conversation to here sister and elaborate a bit.
Ok, this story seems really rushed. Your dialogue between the characters is just robotic and not normal. Don't be afraid to draw it out a bit and more substance in your story. Anyways, I don't know what else to say. If you have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing---Myjaspercat
-----------------
"A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies." --George R. R. Martin
Points: 16
Reviews: 265
Donate