Note:
Okay--okay.
This
is probably one of the FIRST TIMES I've written something that ISN'T
fanfiction... I want to take my literature to the next level! I don't
wanna be known for just fanfictions and x-readers anymore! I wanna
write about the joys of Paris I have yet to discover, along with
Germany, and Venice, Italy--- Moscow, Russia!!
Those places.. I'm going to visit one day. //sighs and smiles
brightly//
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So--here we go.
Prologue~
–--
There once was a girl, and not no ordinary girl. What even did you
call an ordinary girl...? Normal?
She had dreams, just like all of us. And it was to travel the world,
perhaps the entire world. She had never traveled before, but she'd
soon achieve that task-- with her two best friends. Bella and Acirea.
This girl's name was Elizabeth, and was age 13. She was in the 8th
grade, and kept her grades high, just like her hope. She wished to
visit Paris, France, maybe even Venice, Italy.
It was all because of
one TV show her and her friends took interest in. That made her
realize that was what she wanted to do. Travel the world and discover
interesting things in those places she'd visit; perhaps even live in.
She could see the Eiffel Tower, and Big Ben. Even the Leaning Tower
of Pisa. She had wanted to see it ALL. All of it. She wanted to live
it, breathe it. Inherit it. Such beauty and such grace, and she was
extremely brave. Elizabeth wouldn't let ANYONE take her dream and
crumble it up like a piece of paper.
She took very much enjoyment in writing down adventurous tales about
her and her friends, visiting all the places they yearned to see.
Japan, France, Russia, Germany... All of it. It'd be simply
breathtaking. Never having to travel somewhere out of country before, was thrilling
at the thought. Seeing the Eiffel Tower lit up at night would be...
Beautiful. Just, amazing. She'd express her emotions just by the sparkling in her ocean blue eyes. She was eager to start her adventure, she wanted to see the Eiffel Tower... Everything that France had to offer.
But, in order to chase after her dreams, she had to finish school, and other things.
Elizabeth was daydreaming in the middle of class again, but thank God she wasn't caught.
The bell had rung, and Elizabeth grabbed her stuff off her desk and
rushed out the door. Next period was Pre-Algebra, how great. No
sarcasm there, honest.
Elizabeth loved math, I know what you're thinking; she's an alien!
But she's not, sorry to burst everyone's bubble. She just enjoys
education, and loves math.
“Hey, Liz! I'm over here!” she heard one of her friends
call for her. It could only be Acirea, the hyperactive girl, but is only
hyper when around her friends.
“Hi Acirea! Shouldn't you be getting to class?” Elizabeth
giggled, as she tried to unlock her locker with her combination--
that she messed up either once or twice before actually getting it
open.
“Well, I didn't want my best buddy to be late to class!”
Acirea patted her best friend Elizabeth on the back, smiling warmly.
“Oh Aki, you're such a great friend. But I don't want
you to be late either!” Elizabeth gasped, before yanking her
locker open and tossing her Science stuff in there.
She reached out for her humongous pre-algebra book, along with her
workbook with tons of new concepts they were going to learn later in
the year.
----
Note:
You pronounce Aki like A-key
-------
It was only early November, so they had a lot more to cover
up besides multiplicative inverses.
The late bell rung, loudly throughout the now clearing hallways of
the Oiho Jr. High School.
“Better not be late for class, ladies!” the principal
cackled as her high heels clacked against the white tiled floors of
the empty school halls.
“Well we're already late. What's the difference?”
Elizabeth, being her cocky and normal self interrogated, avoiding eye
contact with the disgusting and intimidating principal.
“Bye bye for now Aki!” Elizabeth waved as she sped-walked
into her pre-algebra class, that already began without her.
“Miss Reldies. You are late. You are never late, is there
something going on I should know about?” the math teacher
questioned, tilting his head to the side.
Elizabeth shook her head slightly, before quickly walking to her
seat.
She set her story binder down on her desk, which was covered in pictures
of people from several anime shows.
Those were where her deepest secrets and dreams were held.
In that
very binder, the whole world of imagination and creativity was kept
inside.
She opened the binder, and took out her purple mechanical pencil
which was topped with a half used orange eraser.
Elizabeth searched for her integers practice hand-out, because that's
what they did in the very beginning of class.
She found it shortly after, and began to swiftly work throughout the
two rows assigned for the worksheet.
The whole class went over it, and Elizabeth only missed one problem.
It was such an obvious answer, anyone could solve. But no. Elizabeth
did have educational weaknesses, you know. She wasn't all brains and
knowledge.
Elizabeth didn't really talk to anyone in this class, but she was a
teacher's pet. The teacher adored her, and her excitement for
learning math, as for the other students, the teacher didn't like
them so much... They weren't the sharpest pencils in the pack, and
they weren't the smartest in the school; but they were, in fact, the
preppiest jocks and preps in the school district.
“Alright everyone, take out a piece of paper, we're going to
start a new section of notes.” the teacher smiled brightly, eyeing Elizabeth for a split second as she moved quickly with the
given instructions.
She liked to get stuff done, being such a hard-worker at home, having
no time to do homework. She liked to move ahead of the crowd, so she
could start on her homework, so she wouldn't have to do it in the
middle of babysitting her two brothers, whom she loved dearly.
Elizabeth babied her brothers, William and Joseph.
William being the
youngest, Joseph being the oldest. But Joseph came down with a mental illness, that
most people are aware of, but others probably never even heard of
before.
He had autism, and it was hard to keep up with the boy, and
his tantrums and outbursts.
Elizabeth was a miniature mom, who worked way too hard for the
treatment she gets.
Rarely ever any payment for what she does, and
gets complaints hurdled at her from her step-dad for being
'disrespectful'. Of course she was disrespectful at times, but that
was only because her step-dad teased and poked fun at her brothers,
her mom, and her, but that didn't matter. She cared more about her
mom and her brothers.
Elizabeth didn't allow such harassment from him, which is why she'd
lash out in bitter anger and hatred towards him.
---------------------
*(((Author's Note:
What is the purpose of this story?
This story is, to tell a tale, a dream of the actual author. Just
like Elizabeth, I have always wanted to travel. And people have dreams of traveling too, but, in order
to accomplish those dreams... They must work hard for it, am I right?
So,
Elizabeth will tackle several obstacles that stand in her way, and
she'll suffer consequences too. This whole story, and how it ends is
up to her actions... What will happen to her in the end? We might not
know. Will someone decide her fate before she lives her dream?
Only Elizabeth can find out, she can also help us find out, what will
really happen, in the end.)))*
---------------------
-----
Beginning of First Chapter, Prologue Ends~
----------
//soon later to come XD//
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Okay. You have a good start here. You say this is your first time writing original fiction - I'm impressed! You seem to have a good story lined up.
However, there are some things to work on.
1. Your sentence structure is often confusing, or it just doesn't flow right. It's kind of hard to know where to start, because I can't really find a pattern to it. You could try reading this out loud to yourself. If it doesn't sound right, it probably needs revision. Also, read! Read a lot, if you don't already. The more you read, the more intuitive grammar and sentence structure will become. Some examples:
"William being the youngest, Joseph being the oldest." Neither of these are complete sentences. Instead, try something like "Joseph was older than William by x years."
"But Joseph came down with a mental illness
,(no comma needed) that most people are aware of, but others probably never even heard of before." Also, you don't "come down" with autism. You are born with it. (Unless you get it in an accident, but I don't know if that's possible.)He had autism, and it was hard to keep up with the boy
,and his tantrums and outbursts. Elizabeth was a miniature mom, who worked way too hard for the treatment she gets."2. You're telling, not showing, and since you're primarily telling the reader Elizabeth's strong points, it makes her seem more like a Mary-Sue because we haven't seen her actually use her strengths. Same goes for her flaws. Unless we see them in action, they might as well not exist.
One way to incorporate information about a character is to have them engage with that information. For example, you could show that Elizabeth is really good at math by 1. making her eager to go to math class (which you did - good job!) and 2. showing her get a test back with a high grade or something like that. Also, when you mention her intellectual weaknesses, be specific - maybe she hates English. Or Science.
Basically, it just needs a bit of editing for better sentence structure and more showing. Other than that, this is going pretty well. I especially liked how she has a story binder with all her hopes and dreams. That's pretty cool. I hope to see more soon!
Hello! Attack here for a review! (Welcome to YWS, by the way!!)
I really didn't see anything grammatically incorrect, but I'm not too good at grammar myself. Thus, I won't be able to help you there.
There is one thing that I keep noticing: you're not showing Elizabeth's characteristics, you're simply telling the reader about them. As a reader, when the author "tells" about the character I get easily bored. It's like a massive clump of information. Don't tell us everything about her, show us Elizabeth's hopes, dreams, etc. via how she thinks, what she does, what she says, etc. Know what I mean?
Another big thing I noticed is that you address the reader by saying things like "We really shouldn't talk much about her backstory" or something along those lines. When a story is in third person, the narrator SHOULDN'T be you. You shouldn't address the reader.
Also you say "This story is to tell a tale, a dream of the actual author." You shouldn't actually say that inside the story. It would make a nice author's note, but it doesn't belong in the story. Why? Because in the pervious paragraph we are reading about Elizabeth, and in the next we are reading about the author. It doesn't make sense and might create some confusion.
"Dis-respectful" is one word: "disrespectful." School subjects like "Science" aren't capitalized unless they have a number behind them to indicate a specific class (such as: English II or History 101). Aki's name pronunciation shouldn't be placed inside dialogue, or the actual story for that matter. It would probably belong in the Author's Notes.
Anyway, good story start! I think you're going somewhere with it!
EDIT: fixed pesky autocorrect mistake.
Hehe, thanks! ^J^
I'll try to fix that XDD
I'm used to writing fanfictions all the time and typing fictional stories for the first time in like forever is kind of hard to adjust to XD;
Don't worry! I started out writing by writing fanfics, too! There's always room to learn and improve.