OKay second shot at a first impression....I gave up trying to fix the first poem i posted wasn't worth the trouble, yet after that u kinda fell into a hole and stopped writting so this is the first thing I've written since them, I like it but then again i like alot of really bad things so tell me what you think. 
Underneath the Sadist dream (Dec. 19 2006)
Glass water on an icy path,
queens arrow the quickest wrath,
summer songs a distant melody,
drama long the systems crashing plea.
Man doth sing to her from window pane,
a voice like plastered youth of freedom reign
dying breeds of hound and wolf cry out
amongst the youth they took,
breathing slowly to stop the pain,
the game around us wont feel the same.
Glass water on an icy pass this blissful feeling
was not meant to last,
soul shaken surroundings of morning dew,
Gods only children dream of you.
Glass water on an icy path summer painted
in green grass,
morning somber salts and breakfast feast,
of cold dead animals the living treats,
brewed up softly with mothers song,
the queens arrow growing long.
Melody of what use to be,
white knights, gray shadows time without heat,
Glass water upon an icy path,
green summers the mother’s last remaining wrath.
Pure children forgotten in the smog,
Sadist written down the last of the songs.
Glass windows opened never closed,
the queens arrows pouring brews of mystic woes,
Leaves falling on a distant sky,
trees crawling back into another time,
Glass water painting an icy pass,
Green shadows the kings dying last.
queens arrows mothers wish,
children reigning oh what bliss.
Glass water on an icy path this feeling was never meant to last.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Whoa, first of all kudos for the length and rhyming which wasn't all that forced in some places. It was a bit overwhelming, in the sense that there's no indents...kinda crazy. I think though, that the rhyming scheme was inconsistent, especially in the beginning. You only slipped into rhyme at about the 6th line.
So, my advice, cut it into pieces so its more readable and fix the consistency issue with the rhyming. Its as if your gushing without taking a breath to pause.