Published August 16, 2008
while on top of a building, i close my eyes
and with poise and grace, i take my leap
i float beautifully as you just watch
softly, yet rapidly, i start to sink
tears start to fall from you
like me from the sky
help is too late
see my death
feel guilt
die
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
This poem was very... blunt and straight-forward I must say, which I liked.
I like how this character is ending their life, just to hurt somebody else's. It was pretty twisted, but in a good way.
This is short so it's very easy to crit, I think it was ok, really disturbing but ok. I mean at least your not discribing how you hit your head on cement or that you split you head open, thank you for at least considering the viewers. So for being harsh it's just true. The last line is kind of blunt don't you think? DIE! Ok.... so what is the reader suppose to think? You want them to be breathless not saying "I want the last 5 minutes of my life back, instead of reading THAT." Sorry it's just the way i'm seeing it. Any questions or comments or you need help feel free to PM me. Good luck and keep writing.
-Max
this is really good. slighty scary, but its intended to be that way.
Argh no! Sorry, I'm gonna be a bit harsh on this - which isn't what I'm usually like.
You're structure is okay, if you go for that kind of stuff but I just cant deal with it. You need to have stanzas - this is personal preference - so that you can creat your flow and it would then be consistent with the rhythm that you want to have too.
Also, capitalize your "I"'s and at least some of the first letters in each line, so it gives the poem a more professional look and feel to it. Try and use a varied kind of punctuation too, 'cause it tends to make the poem even better.
You had a nice idea, and you set it out quite originally, so I'll give you top marks for that. Just the structure and presentation I couldn't deal with.
Happy writing!
I, no offense, disagree with timjim. I love the line "tears start to fall from you/like me from the sky". Even though it is a simile, which I find the most crude form of poetic device, it's kind of beautiful in a sad way.
I really love this poem!
Kudos.
~Noah~
Certainly the format is eye-catching. Almost echoes a fall. nice.
"tears start to fall from you
like me from the sky"
This doesn't quite work. The image is awkward in this phrasing, making it seem silly. Try to phrase it differently, and perhaps the image will find some more depth.
i can't help but feel this poem has a comic tone. If this is intended, great. If not, you may want to rethink lines like
"feel guilt
die"
The idea behind this is very intriguing, and I think you pull it off with grace.
Nice line, but I'd use a synonym for "beautifully". I've noticed that word is getting way over-used... spice it up! Words like "stunningly" or "ravishingly" or "captivatingly" have a nice taste. That's my only suggestion for this poem. Give it some more flavorful words!
'sides that, this is clever and I like the lack of capitalization with this style... cunning.
Keep it up!