Young Writers Society

This was a very good piece of writing!

You need to capitalize some letters at the beginning of each line though, and also a little punctuation wouldn't be a burden either. When you add punctuation, it tends to add those pauses, dramatic and emotion to the poem and make your reader enjoy it all the more.

You have a great rhythm and rhyme going on, although I think you need a little bit more originality, and a little less cliche. Good work!

Happy writing!

Hello there,

This is a decent poem, definitely. It has a good rhythm to it.

However, the message and some of the wording seems a little cliche. Especially, "I'll drift away like a feather, fly away like a dove." It's not awful, though, just something you might want to think about changing.

Some of the rhymes are really natural and smooth, and some of them seem forced. This one:

pull the plug,
push shutdown,
ill leave tonight,
without a frown

The phrase "without a frown" seems like it's just there to complete the rhyme. Maybe it would be better changed to something else.

Also: this is just a personal preference, but I think it would be easier to read if you put apostrophes in the contractions. I thought the lack of capital letters was okay though. Since this poem has such a sparse feel, you could try leaving off some of the commas at the end of every line. The effect might be cleaner and more striking that way.

Near the end, the phrase "this you know is true" might sound more natural if you changed it to "you know this is true."

It's a little bit cliche, but at the end, the phrase "I'm dying for love, I died for you" sent shivers down my spine. That's a good part!

So, I think you have something potentially good here with a little more polishing. One more thing I thought: if you made the exact situation (why this person is dying) more clear, it would seem a lot fresher and less cliche.

Hope my review was helpful! Keep writing!