Published May 1, 2008
He strode through the mist towards the shadows of the gloomy trees; but he hesitated when he reached an entrance into the lonesome and dreary forest.
It was such a temptation to turn around, walk back to a place which he longed to be…
He shook his head, closing his eyes. He knew he did not belong in such a place. No, he was destined to be in a dimension she could never exist in. Surely she would forget him, move on with her life without any remembrance of him.
He clenched his fists tightly, and only stopped as blood began to trickle from his palms.
It simply infuriated him. How could a mediocre girl have such an effect on a creature as himself?
It was within the depth of her sapphire eyes that some sort of magic existed—and it had undoubtedly captivated him. He could hear a song in her voice… he could see a sunrise in her face. But most of all… in the entirety of his existence he had never come across a more passionate creature than she.
It befuddled him, and frustrated him more and more every moment he contemplated it. It was not his nature to be so enthralled and desperately obsessed with such a simple girl.
It was truly strange that he cared so much—even enough to save her life in an instant impulse. Even enough to betray his own brother.
A sense of slight embarrassment came over him, and the dignity and pride within him growled demandingly.
He glanced once more across the land he could never return to, his breath hitching.
He then turned, determined to leave behind the feelings he had captured through her—along with the heart that had just begun to beat a more human-like beat. He then trudged into the shadows of the trees, a snarl escaping his lips as he began to transform.
It began to rain.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This sounds like a really interesting scene that you have managed to create here. I like how you've used this imagery really well with only minimal and actually pretty much no information dumping to really get across only the emotions of this character and said emotions do come across really well and really strong.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh now that is a very interesting choice of opening that you've got right there. Its showcasing some fairly deep emotion from this person's "Temptation" as you have put it and the image created there of this forest is also quite powerful here.
Oooh now that got even more interesting. The scenery here is clearly doing a lot more work than just simply being there. This feels like its going to be quite the tale here emotionally.
Well that is certainly conveying his emotions to us pretty darn well which is nice to see.
Hmm well this is a certainly a very interesting internal conflict here. You can definitely see there is a lot of history behind this whole thing that in this story only gets just barely hinted and that is very interesting to see.
And some even more powerful imagery to show here. I like how you keep most of the details of this super vague and you just convey only the barest minimum her and said bare minimum couples really will with the imagery to show some really deep feelings.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a really neat little story to read and I think I would definitely read the book that this is an excerpt from. It sounds like a really cool plot and the premise also seems like it could be really interesting. I hope that eventually I run into more parts of this that are posted.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That was a great exert! I loved all of the figurative language; I want to read more!
I liked this a lot. I love how you discribed what the love he felt towards her was like. I hope you post more on this; I'd really like to read more.
Keep me posted and keep writing.
~Rachael
The it began to rain part was very suden but great job on detail and every thing....I want to hear another exert of this stroy!