Shards of glass
pieces of a mirror
reflecting my other life
one forgotten, one left behind
soon to be another hole
in the lump of death
in my head
words on paper
saying things I didn't know
I'd remember, singing songs
I didn't know I'd forgot.
Running towards, away,
in,
and out again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, welcome to YWS! You've made a good start with this poem; I like the concept, although I think it could use a bit more punctuation to help the rhythm, which is a bit wonky at this stage. Before I get fully into my critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of the site rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 review ratio policy, which basically means in part that we ask new members to please leave critiques of at least two works by other authors before they post their own pieces here. That way, you get a feel for the quality of work that is expected and you get more posting points, so that you can explore and post in other forums. So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!
If you have any questions or need help with anything at all, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (we're the ones in green) or instructors (purple) and we'll be happy to help you out. Look forward to seeing you around!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hey faithlessfate! Cool name. Just to let you know, we have a rule that says you should have two reviews before posting your own work, okay?
Anyway.
I like this poem. Like, a lot. Especially the end. I do think punctuation, used wisely, would make it even better. The other suggestion I have is for the "lump of death"-I really don't like using "lump." It doesn't mean anything, and I don't think it describes Death very well.
If you need some help with the punctuation thing, read this article! There's some good info in there.
All the best, and keep it up!
I agree on punctuation, I'm bad at it, as in, remembering to use it :p
I like your title suggestion though...
Hey, faithlessfate, welcome. I'm Des. I like your poem and I see thet you have potential. Sometimes you can punctuate your entire poem or half or you can choose not to do so. Quite frankly punctuation in poetry still confuses me, but what I have learned is to take people's correction into consideration. I like the name: Shattered.
Anyway continue writing. Keep it up!