Young Writers Society

Hi Baby faith Good morning (': I'm Riothe Selcouth, pleasure to read the one of your masterpieces.But, am going to critique it.

Here, Faith I know, While you are writing this piece you have a strong inspiration.
"Revelation" is your title and that's very capturing. My first impression is it's kinda creepy and wierd lol, but it's actually scary .

I know, we have different perspectives when it comes of writing and expressing of emotions and feelings.

That's all.

I just want to say as a writer. Keep on writing, keep your pen's up. Spread your words and thoughts to all of us. Thank you.

—riothe selcouth 🍂

Ah I love how informal the language and imagery is here - nothing "flowery" or "pretty" - just raw and gritty - very irreverent.

A few critiques - the line breaks didn't seem to be doing a lot, in some places you were working with a bit of enjambment, but in others it broke at natural breaths in the piece, there didn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to it, and then some lines were exceedingly long.

I enjoyed that the imagery seemed random/meandering, but also it all fit in the same scenario, like you see all of that in a city, maybe while falling.

The 2nd to last stanza is gruesome, but not hollow - I love how you phrase this "your wingless bones shatter" - so interesting to point out that the falling one is without wings.

I also think the little bit of repetition at the end bookended the poem nicely, and gave the reader a sort of order after the chaos of the middle.

Also interesting to end on a question.

Well done - a lot of good imagery here, but also a clear narrative, and emotional appeal.

I hope you are still writing!

- alliyah

It's very well-written. A bit on the scary side but I'm almost positive you meant it that way. I love it. You might not want to put those things you wrote in (parentheses), but try to incorporate them into the poem. That's my only criticism.

Hey...now I get the second one after reading this one again. lol, sorry.

I love this. Very pretty imagery, and the lines

but as a greater god who might
drop french fry crumbs
or even a mc-chicken nugget
in offering.
(pigeons these days have all turned to cannibalism)

I think I was getting a tad bored of this poem until the last stanza, in which case I errupted into goosebumps. Cause I've felt that a million times before (and still feel it, though I tend to ignore it these days). I read it a second time and it was much better. I'm a bad poet critique (very bad), but I can say that... I enjoyed it very, very much (most of all the second time, but still a LOT). Good going.

That was amazing Faith. Canabalistic pigeons, so tru, so true.

Greasy hair? GREASY HAIR?

Eh-hem, that's all I had to say.

aiight, well y'all lost me so bad I don't even want to be found!

she does. *grin*

I'm assuming I know who this poem was for, and the conversations we had that led up to this post make me think she is directing this to a certain someone. And that is the basis for my comment. Whitney gets it, I think.

Incandescence wrote:bitch. in the best sense of the word.

This reminded me of a Natasha Beddingfield song. Not sure if you know who that is but nevermind! It was very pretty and great imagery. I'm studying Pope at the moment so I've got really into poems having a good rhythm (my own don't!) and I felt that at times it didn;t. But then I think you were trying to go for the free and open effect so it still worked well. Anyway I liked it and you're a great writer.

Hah, this was great. That's all I can say.

Me? lol

who is brad talking about...

bitch. in the best sense of the word.

yeah, that made me laugh so hard!!!

haha, I thought this was very well done though, Faith. It was part extreme gross out toward the end (note the age) but I really enjoyed it, and the chicken mcnugget/pigeon commment lighted it up a lot.

heh. everyone loves a little dark humor.

that IS a revelation! Nicely put, even though I find the Mc-Chicken nugget comment ridiculously funny. The tone seems to switch around awfully fast...I dunno if it was intentional or what...