Ok whoa, this really needs to be toned down a little to be effective. Good writing doesn't need blatantly melodramatic images to be creepy or insightful. Most if this just comes off as a bit silly because of the overly vivid imagery. There are a few phrases that are poweful without crossing into melodrama like 'choking every deception from your tongue' and 'your existence
begins to fray around the edges, you find it hard to speak'. But then there are also some cringe-worthly lines like 'You cried out in that godforsaken myriad of realities.'
Anyway, in my opinion the last stanza as a whole was not melodramatic but unfortunately it was kind of bland. It's a fine line. I don't usually give detailed critiques because I end up sounding like a bitch but there you go...my best advice is to just stop trying so hard.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm so bad at reading poems. I don't really get it. But it sounds very, uh, poetic. Unlike me lol.
Wow. I liked it, but I agree with faith: words need space to breathe. If you cram too many complex words into one line and the reader has to read it more than once to get their mind around it, it loses its power. Very interesting though, and I loved it once I read it a few times.
That was wonderful. I couldn't tell who wrote what.
"Now you are flocking to hellbent angels
pleading for forgiveness, some kind of redemption
for what can not be unspoken. It is like you have constructed
ivory towers ‘round your precious heads and crowned thorny
vines to anyone who enters, does it make you nervous
to follow bloodied martyrs for the cause of meaninglessness?"
That was my favorite stanza.
... It fel forced and I had lovely images of Jesus for some reason.... during the crusifiction or whatever (i'm not very religious). Anyway on the other hand:
In your dreams,
eternity lasted forever, but you sacrificed even it, when
in your dying wish you knew that blood was not enough
to keep you alive.
Heh, I can somehwhat relate if I think of this in different terms... No more eternity for me...
Nice job I liked it...